Polynya

“Fit right in?” Hiccup asks, still in his concert attire.

“After you change,” Ryuk says firmly.

“Fine, but I’m keeping the pacifier and as soon – and I’m talking as soon – as we see the Knights’ guild, I’m fickin’ out of here. Twixy, we cool? Can you port me back to the concert?”

“No problem, Hiccup!”

“Good.” The paint covering Hiccup’s body and the glow sticks sticking out of his pockets all disappear. After his armor has appeared, he equips his golden helm, places it on his head, and pops the pacifier back in. “Fick yeah!”

“I’ll go first,” Ryuk says as the four approach the stairs that lead up to the main floor of the tea shop. “Follow me and slip out quickly. Don’t be an idiot either,” he reminds the goblin.

Hiccup flashes Ryuk the one fingered salute.

“Go on, Ryuk, we’ll be behind you,” Zaena says.

Once he gets to the top, Ryuk places his ear against the door to hear if there is any activity on the other side. Too hard to tell, he thinks as he steadies his breath and pushes the door open.

A hobgoblin in Thulean gauntlets drops his mug of Horse Piss Tea as soon as he spots Ryuk. “It’s him!” he shrieks in a high voice.

The large room that was bustling just moments ago goes absolutely silent as the patrons and waitstaff all turn to see what the hobgoblin is pointing at.

Him? Ryuk actually glances around to see if there is someone else the hobgoblin could be pointing at.

“Get him!” A spellsword shouts as he unsheathes an icy blue blade.

Spell Sword Level 13

HP: 425/425                

ATK: 96          

MATK: 136

DEF: 76

MDF: 74

LUCK: 6     

“It’s him!” More people stand from their tables and equip their weapons.

“He’s the guy who attacked the Empress!” a low voice yells out.

“Out of the way!” Zaena slips past Ryuk and unsheathes four swords. She breathes heavily, waiting for the gathering crowd of combatants to make a move.

“What the fick is happening up there?” Hiccup shouts, his voice muffled a bit because of his pacifier. He spits it out. “Seriously, what the fick is going on? Let me up there!”

“They found us!” FeeTwix shoulders past Ryuk with a kunai attached to a chain. “Get over here!”

The Swede, his eyes two black holes, is the first to strike.

His kunai stabs into the spellsword and yanks him over to the Mitherfickers. FeeTwix finishes with an uppercut that sends the guy straight into a wall.

-87 HP!

“Shit, Twixy!” Hiccup pushes out, his spiked club in his mechanical hand a dinner plate-sized shield gripped to his other forearm. “Let’s fick them up! Whoo!”

“Shoot first, ask questions later!”

“Fick yeah!”

“No!” Ryuk shouts, as FeeTwix goes with two comically large Sandalwood Guns.

Bang! Bang!

Instakill!

The report sends shockwaves through Ryuk’s core. He bends for a moment to gather his thoughts, as Zaena runs forward to engage a mage and FeeTwix keeps laying down .45s.

“We shouldn’t be fighting them! The Empress’ guard will come!” he yells up to FeeTwix.

“Preemptive strike!”

Bang!

FeeTwix fires a shot directly into the face of a barbarian with braided pigtails.

Instakill!

An idea comes to Ryuk, the only thing that would make sense. Covered by FeeTwix’s gunfire, he moves to the right, where he knocks over a table and gets behind it. He fires off a quick message to FeeTwix.

Ryuk: Have your fans shared with you any info coming out of Porthos?

FeeTwix: There’s been an information freeze. Nothing is allowed to get out of the city.

Ryuk and FeeTwix lock eyes for a moment, only to be interrupted when Hiccup shouts, “Fick it’s him!” They look to a wanted poster pinned to a messageboard not far from them. Sure enough, it’s a picture of Ryuk, a bit of hair sticking out of his hood.

“I’m wanted … ?” Ryuk connects the dots almost immediately. The only way this is possible is if his doppelgänger did something sinister.

“You’re ficked, Marbles. Nice to know ya!”

“Incoming!” FeeTwix dives next to Ryuk just in time to miss a flying table.

Ryuk peeks around their cover to see an orc easily twice as tall as Zaena. The shirtless orc’s considerable girth hangs over a loincloth that barely covers his twig and berries. He roars, his manboobs and nipple rings flapping as he goes for another table.

No time to think, Ryuk grabs his magic slingshot and a gravity marble.

The marble strikes the orc’s body and the big bruiser is instantly thrown backwards to the entrance, bringing the structure supporting the front of Morla’s Place down.

Using her ghost limbs to get out of the way just in time, Zaena skids to a halt next to Ryuk and FeeTwix. For his part, Hiccup beats the shit out of the hobgoblin that sold them out, who was in too much of a stupor to get out of the way in time.

“This the one who squealed?” he calls over to Ryuk.

“We’ve got to get there before they get here,” Ryuk says quickly, his mind going a million miles an hour.

Hiccup kicks the cowering hobgoblin once more and pops the pacifier in his mouth. “Let’s get the fick on with it then!”