Polynya

A message appears on Ryuk’s viewing pane.

Hiccup: Stop judging me. Like I said, the pacifier is laced.

“Whatever.” Ryuk pops a molten marble in his mouth and cautiously moves to the front of the tea shop. A few NPCs that have been pinned by the rubble whimper as the Mitherfickers step over them.

The silhouette of a woman takes shape ahead and Zaena bristles.

“She’s mine.”

Mind Mage Level 16

HP: 388/388      

MANA: 400/400        

ATK: 42        

MATK: 193

DEF: 59

MDF: 61

LUCK: 14     

 

To their left, the towering orc from earlier lifts himself out of a partially crumbled fountain. He scowls, locks his eyes on the Mitherfickers, and roars.

“Fick!”

Ryuk feels the goblin get directly behind him.

“Dammit, Hiccup!” he says as the goblin grips his waist and tries to make sure that Ryuk is directly between the big orc and the small goblin.

He spits his pacifier out again. “How the hell are we supposed to take that thing out!? It’s too big!”

“Don’t you worry, Hiccup,” says the Swede, “that’s what steamsuits are for.”

“Steam-what!?”

It takes all of ten seconds for a five-meter-tall exoskeleton suit to take shape in front of FeeTwix. The phrase YoRHa A-2 is stenciled across the chest of the exoskeleton. As it settles, a valve jutting out of its left shoulder produces a cloud of steam.

A Gatling Gun starts to rotate on the right arm even before the chest can clamshell open to allow FeeTwix to get inside. Once the Swede is in, the locking mechanisms sound off as the Swede is secured into place.

Attached to his left forearm is a jagged buster sword; as FeeTwix gets used to the feel of the suit, its shoulders lifting up and down and its legs lifting one at a time, he brings the sword before him and says, his voice suddenly metallic, “The orc is mine.”

“Holy fick yes! Yes! Yes!” Hiccup shouts. “That’s the most stupid-tacular thing I’ve seen all fickin’ week!”

A guild of lower level scouts and warriors come charging out of an alley. They skid to a halt when they see FeeTwix’s steamsuit.

“Good!” Hiccup spits his pacifier out as he’s suddenly filled with confidence. “Lizzy, get the mage; FeeTwix, get Bitchtits McSTD; and Marbles and I will mop up any of the fickboys left!”

(0)__(0)

A dapper man with the face of a cat appears out of nowhere. He leaps from behind some covering to the spot directly in front of Ryuk. Before Ryuk can even take in the man’s stats, he’s pulled to the ground, his Dream Armor combating the man’s rapid claw strikes.

“Dammit!” the man shouts as he tries again and again to get a swipe in.

Ryuk grins, and as his mouth opens, a massive fireball engulfs the catman. He leaps off Ryuk, his whiskers sizzling, and runs to the partially crumbled fountain to duck his head in.

-31 HP!

Now aiming his marble gun, Ryuk nearly splits the catman in half with his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy skill.

“Yeeeeeeooowww!” he shrieks.

-154 HP!

Skill level up!

“Fickin’ nice! You got him in the starfish, Marbles!”

Catman’s clawed finger comes up and he logs out.

There’s no time to read Cherry Poppin’ Daddy’s skill update prompt. Ryuk pops a gravity marble in his mouth and hits the air.

He throws in another until he’s on top of the building next to Morla’s Place. His Marble Gun up, he waits for his opening as two staunch warriors descend upon Hiccup. The goblin holds his own, giving Ryuk time to fire a shot at one of the warrior’s feet.

-207 HP! Critical hit!

The second warrior’s leg goes flying and he logs out in a panic.

“What a bitch!” the goblin shouts as he ducks an incoming blade. He comes up with both arms on the handle of his spiked club and brings it down onto the warrior’s exposed side.

-112 HP!

The guy buckles and Hiccup swings back and brains the brawny swordsman.

Instakill!

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup’s celebratory end zone dance is cut short when he glances right to see Zaena screaming and grasping at her arms and legs. The Thulean’s swords lay in a heap at her feet and the Mind Mage isn’t far off, magic rippling up her arms and her eyes ablaze.

Hiccup looks up to Ryuk, points at an incoming group of fairies, points back to himself, and points at Zaena.

With that, the goblin nonchalantly grabs a brick from the rubble and keeps to the shadows as he walks around the twitching Zaena, the Mind Mage so enthralled with watching the Thulean bug out that she’s completely oblivious to the creeping goblin.

Once he’s in range, Hiccup pitches the brick at the back of the Mind Mage’s head and knocks her out cold.

-266 HP! Critical hit!

Ryuk unloads an entire mag on a guild of archers as the Swede cracks his giant buster sword against the orc’s equally matched shield.