Polynya

“And Hiccup too!” FeeTwix points at a group below their raised platform. Above the group, the letters F - I - C - K - E - R - S sizzle and flash.

The group cheers as soon as Hiccup spots them. He waves with his mechanical hand, and after he does so, he quickly smoothes the same hand over his pink topknot.

“Damn! There are some real hotties down there.” Hiccup licks his fingers and smoothes out his bushy eyebrows. He grabs his junk, adjusts, sniffs under his arms, and makes a “not too bad” face.

With a snap of his fingers, Hiccup is suddenly shirtless. He now wears a pair of what Ryuk would describe as boy shorts – which is just about the most unsettling thing he’s seen from the goblin – and for shoes, he’s gone with his normal battle boots, which are bulky and covered in nicks and scratches.

“What?” Hiccup asks as Zaena gives him the hairy eyeball. “It’s a concert, Liz! Let your fickin’ hair down, and stop, for the love of the Empress’ perky mammaries, STOP FAT-SHAMING ME!”

“He’s right!” FeeTwix adds, his arm around Zaena’s shoulder. “But not about the fat shaming part because you have no shame, goblin friend! He’s right about changing and getting some choon-ready clothes.”

The Swede is suddenly in a white sleeveless overcoat with matching distressed pants rolled up at the knees, and a pair of Boba Fett DisNikes. His tactical vest disappears and his blond hair slicks back. “Got anything white, babe?”

In the blink of an eye, Zaena goes from battle-ready to prom night in her tight, strapless one-piece white dress and a pair of bedazzled gladiator sandals.

“Hubba, hubba, Liz! You clean up nice!” Hiccup says.

“Thank you, goblin.”

“I’m going to let that little racist epithet slide on account of your sudden hotness. What about you, Marbles?”

“Um … ” Ryuk’s Dream Armor disappears and is replaced by a black t-shirt, black jeans, and a pair of black Vans with Flight Feet written in cursive along the toe caps.

“Going for the Bramtoker look, huh?” Hiccup asks as he rubs his hands along his considerable girth.

“No, I just like black.”

“I think there’s a saying about liking black … never go back … can’t remember it all. Anyfick, I’m out, bitches! Time to finds some chippies and some booze.”

The goblin sits on the platform and calls out to the people below, who respond by reaching their hands up to him.

“Not so fast!” FeeTwix rushes over to Hiccup and slaps a small square on his pimply back.

“What the twick, Fixy!? Shit, you know what I mean.” Hiccup tries to reach the little square affixed to his back but fails.

“In case you’re wondering, this will make sure we can’t lose you!”

“It’s GPS?” Ryuk asks as he walks over. Once glance down at the raging crowd and he suddenly feels nauseated.

“You mean PPS, Proxima Positioning System, and no, it’s not that type of tracking.”

Hiccup again tries to swipe the square off his back but his reach falls short. “You can’t just tag me like a fickin’ animal. Take it off, Twixy!”

“Relax, Hiccup, I’m not tagging you at all, friend!”

“Then what the fick is this shit?” Too bulky to properly twist his body, about the only thing Hiccup can manage is the slight tilt of his head.

“There’s twenty million people down there,” FeeTwix shouts over the roar of the crowd, who come to life after another Proxima celebrity appears on a platform not far from the Mitherfickers. “I’ll never be able to find you, but you’ll be able to find us.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Watch.” FeeTwix walks over to Zaena and shows her a bulky calculator watch now on his wrist. He presses a button, and the goblin slides across the platform against his will.

Ryuk and Zaena crack up; Hiccup is much less amused.

“You got me on a fickin’ leash?”

“It’s magnetic!” FeeTwix tells the goblin as he walks back over to him. “And trust me, it won’t hurt a bit. I’ll just press the button when we’re ready to go and you’ll be dragged up here.”

“What part of ‘I’m nobody’s fickboy’ do you not understand? You’ve got to be fickin’ kidding me with this thing. I’m not someone’s chia pet!”

“Chia pet?” Ryuk asks.

The Swede smiles big. “Just get down there and have fun!”

“Fine, fine, but we’re not through discussing this.”

Hiccup approaches the ledge of the platform and calls for people to catch him.

The people below raise their hands and the goblin, a sour look on his face, turns his back to the crowd, scowls at the three Mitherfickers, lifts two middle fingers up in the air and stage dives backwards into the crowd.

(0)__(0)

Enway’s form takes shape on the platform. She’s in a black body suit and her hair has been pulled to the side, forming a short, tight ponytail. The zipper on the front of her body suit is open just enough to draw eyes.

“Hey!” Ryuk says, swallowing hard. “Glad you could join us.”

“Wow!” Enway walks to the platform and looks down. “The Mitherfickers really are famous!”

“It’s just FeeTwix.”

“With fame and fortune comes great responsibility!” FeeTwix sticks a finger in the air. “Or, um, something like that. Hey! The concert is starting soon!”