Polynya

To control her ghost limbs, they’ve outfitted her with special Thulean restraints and cuffed her wrists at her side. She doesn’t struggle to get out, she already did plenty of that while they were cuffing her and managed to toss a few of the Empress’ guards in the process, but if the look on her face were enough to cut through the cuffs, the four Mitherfickers would be halfway to Aramis by now, a trail of dead bodies in their wake.

Hiccup paces back and forth nervously, his big paws cuffed behind his back. “Fick! We don’t want to be anybody’s bitches so look tough!”

“We’re the only people in here,” FeeTwix reminds him.

“Pfft! In case you didn’t know, goblins excel at counting. Aware, Twixy, that’s what I’m saying, and to quote myself, I’m not going to be anybody’s little bitch, especially Marbles’!”

“Why are you dragging me into this, Hiccup?” Ryuk asks, angry and annoyed.

“You’re the one that got us in here!”

“But what does that have to do with being ‘someone’s little bitch,’ as you put it?”

Hiccup goes from hyper-tense to full-on panicking. He runs to the cell door. “Fickers! Someone get me my lawyer! Goes by the name of Solon!”

“No lawyer for wankers,” an inmate across the hall calls out.

Hiccup bangs his head against the bar. “Fick you! I’m crazy, you hear me!? Come over here and I’ll be dining on your chalupa while I make you watch, you little fickered pinko twat!”

“What the bloody hell is a chalupa?”

“Fick! Fick!”

“Quiet, goblin,” Zaena says.

“We’re going to die! Shit. They’ll take me first. Always do. Racism and heightism and I’m the shortest and I’m a goblin. FICK! This is bad; Marbles will be next, then Twixy, then Liz. Shit! They’ll learn about Wolf and go get him and Conan. Enway too, but I don’t know her so well so that’s fine. But fick, Snowballs! He’s so young!”

FeeTwix approaches the goblin. “Holy hell, Hiccup, get a hold of yourself! Your fans are watching! Don’t act like a little fickboy in front of your people.”

“This is bad!” Hiccup grinds his teeth together and moves over to the bench. He plops down and lets one rip.

“Gross!” Zaena stands.

“Stress related flatulence, Liz. Fick! We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die … I’ll never see my son again!”

“Your son?”

“I told you!” he screams at FeeTwix. “Spew Gorge may be mine. Dunno. Doesn’t matter. Well, it matters because if I die, I want him to get the five percent Marbles promised me.”

Ryuk sighs. “It’s two percent.”

“Three, but you get the picture!”

“Hiccup, I think you are overreacting,” FeeTwix says. “And if Spewy is your son, why do you call him your cousin? A cousin means your father or mother is related to his father or mother.”

“What? You’ve never bumped nasties with your aunt? I find that hard to believe, especially coming from a Swede. But that’s not what is at stake here, Twixy! We’re fickin’ doomed!”

“Relax, I think you are coming down from your concert high.”

“Fick! Why couldn’t we have just stayed at the concert. It was so beautiful there! All those choice bits of ass, and that DJ Ride the Lightning ... I’ll have whatever he’s on, am I right? Ha!” Hiccup frowns miserably and lies onto his back. “Son of a ficklord, we’re beyond ficked.”

FeeTwix walks to the cell door, turns, and uses his cuffs to make a ruckus. “Guard, I have a question!”

“Shut up!” a guard yells from down the hall. “And stop running your cuffs along the bars!”

“What’s the bail looking like?” he calls back.

“No bail!”

“Ah, don’t be like that. What’s it going to take, buddy? Work with me here. We got loads of rupees, coming out the wazoo if you ask me.”

“Are you bribing me!?”

“No, sir! I’d never do that, kind sir!”

“Twick, Fixy … shit, you know what I’m trying to say. Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you to let me do the talking when it comes to negotiating?”

FeeTwix ignores Hiccup and turns to Ryuk. “Well, okay, get lemons and make lemonade. Something like that. What I’m trying to say here is that it looks like we’ll need to think of another way. Come on, guys, we’ll think of one! We’re the Mitherfickers! Hell, I’ll bet we can just message Enway to break us out once Oric is better.”

“We can’t use our dashboards or log out,” Ryuk reminds him.

“But I can still livestream!”

“Fick your followers, FeeTwix, they won’t be able to get us out of here.” Hiccup grows tearful. “I never would have thought that I’d be incarcerated at the young age of 154.”

He blows his nose, and without anything to blow it onto, snot just dribbles onto his lips. He wipes it on the bench and continues sobbing. “Fick me. We’re going to die, and when we do, they’re going to rape our corpses. That’s what happens in these places, you know. I read, I know things. You can learn a lot from the ‘letter to the editor’ section of Wet Goblin Holes. I don’t want anyone to rape my corpse, especially one of those inbred guards we saw back there. You see that one with the overbite?”

“Enough whining. I will get us out of here.” Zaena hops up from her bench.