Polynya

“Um, yeah cool. So the Thules joined with the Saiduka giants of Waringtla to build the catacombs, which as I told you, stretch all the way from the east to the west coast. But it was started in the east.”

“Hold the fick up.”

Everyone turns to see Hiccup mount Wolf, who doesn’t seem to mind that the only thing separating him from the goblin’s poop chute and frequent wind tunnel is a thin layer of fabric.

He pats his mechanical hand on Wolf’s neck. “If Conan and his mutt pass the system of tests I’ve devised, I’ve got first fickin’ dibs on the wolf. We clear?”

Dogs, they’ll put up with anything, Ryuk thinks as they continue onward.

The ink shadow laughs. “Damn, ya goblin–”

“I have a name!”

“–Makes me want to hit up Bluwid one day. Might as well pump up my collection of goblin fingernails. Used to have the biggest collection this side of Porthos.”

Hiccup shrieks and a message appears on Ryuk’s dashboard.

Hiccup: Ink shadows love goblin body parts. Don’t ask me fickin’ why. I’ve been telling you guys this forever. Now do you finally believe me?

Ryuk: Yes.

Hiccup: Marbles, you have the personality of a steamed cabbage.

“Why do ink shadows like goblin fingernails?” FeeTwix asks. “I think they are too brittle.”

“Hey!”

“Damn, you ain’t never seen jewelry made from goblin nails? Shit is nice. You can also grind them up into a fine powder and snort ‘em. Talk about a boner for days.”

“Don’t you come near my nails or my chalupa!”

The ink shadow comes to a stop at the bottom of a long stairway. “Chill, goblin, I don’t want your nails. Believe me, I checked, yours ain’t my style. Too thick and yellow, playa. Not worth anything.”

“That’s not what the ink shadow in Sotla said!” Hiccup examines his one good hand.

“That’s another problem.” One of the ink shadow’s tendrils clearly forms a single digit.

“Oh, because I don’t have two hands, I’m suddenly not good enough for you, huh?” Hiccup starts patting Wolf on the head, clearly trying to cope with the recent insult.

“That’s ‘bout right. And your chalupa? Too small. Ain’t worth my time, fool.”

(x)__(x)

“Ahem, anything else we should know about the catacombs?” Ryuk asks, hoping to steer the conversation away from a debate centered upon goblin penis sizes.

“Anything else … ” The ink shadow strokes the place where his chin should be. “Y’all fools ever heard of the Runestones of Tritinakh?”

Ryuk shakes his head and looks to FeeTwix, who after scanning messages from his fans also doesn’t have a clue.

“I have,” Zaena says.

“Damn, girl, you well read. You want to explain or should I?”

“Go ahead.”

“Aight, so there are three Runestones of Tritinakh. One is in the east, if you follow the catacombs all the way to their natural endpoint. The other two are hidden across Polynya, one in the Sabors, from what my homie told me.”

“And the other Runestone?” FeeTwix asks.

“Fuck if I know. Rumor is you’ll be strong as hell if you can find all three, though.”

A prompt appears and Ryuk quickly reads it:

Quest: Will you find all three Runestones of Tritinakh? One is located at an eastern exitpoint to the catacombs. Another is possibly located in The Sabors. The third location is unknown.

Possible Rewards: A great power.

Risks: A lifetime of searching for a legend that turns out to be false.

[Yes/No?]

Ryuk glances from FeeTwix to Zaena, both of whom nod. He selects “yes” as he makes the instant decision to place the quest on the backburner, to be handled later.

“All right, pimps,” the ink shadow says. “That’s the entrance to Porthos.” He nods to the top of a long stairway lit by torches. “And this is where I peace out.”

“Thank the Empress’ bosom of ambient bear’s milk. Fick off, shadow boy.”

“Be cool, goblin.”

“Is it guarded at the top?” FeeTwix asks.

“Not this one. The other entrance to Porthos, the one likely on your map, that’s the guarded one. Y’all would be walking right out of a door guarded by Thun’s knights if you followed ya map. See? Told y’all it pays to trust ink shadows.”

“Like fick it does!”

Wolf barks and goes in a quick circle.

“That’s right,” FeeTwix says, “Wolf has to get back to Oric.”

Ryuk nods. “Think he’ll be okay?”

“Don’t worry; I’ll keep my eye on him.”

Hiccup leads Wolf as far away from the ink shadow as he can. “You leave his chalupa alone!”

“Please,” the ink shadow sighs, “ain’t nobody want no dog chalupa, as you call it. But if you ever see to your fingernail fungus and get your other hand back, hit me up.” With that, and punctuated by a long, sinister laugh, the ink shadow disappears completely.

“Whew! Boy fick am I glad that bad hombre is gone.” Hiccup points his mechanical finger at the top of the flight of stairs. “Come on, Wolfy, take me to the top.”