Polynya

“For once, I’m with the goblin,” Zaena says.

Wolf stands and barks.

“Smart fickin’ dog!”

FeeTwix: He’s headed in the right direction …

“Why should we follow you?” Ryuk calls to the ink shadow. “You tried to kill us.”

The ink shadow is suddenly behind Ryuk. Wolf freaks out and snarls at the living shadow.

“Can I tell you a secret?” the ink shadow asks.

“Fick no!” Hiccup starts to make his way over to them, reconsiders it, and grabs his toe knife from its sheath.

“Shit gets lonely down here, y’all. I’m terribly lonely.” The ink shadow is now close enough that Ryuk can make out the outline of a deformed old man hidden in the ghastly being’s murkiness.

“Woe-is-me, huh? Can you guys believe this mentally deranged dotard?”

The ink shadow raises his chin. “Man, I’ve spent a long time in these catacombs waiting for some fool to come along that I could actually communicate with.”

“Why don’t you leave, then?” FeeTwix asks as he approaches.

“We all got jobs, pimp. Me? I’ve been tasked by the Sage of Gotha to guard this here arena. No need to start tripping; ain’t no more surprises. Just being neighborly, that’s all.”

Ryuk looks from FeeTwix, who’s nodding and livestreaming, to Zaena, who has her arms crossed over her chest. Messages appear on his dashboard.

FeeTwix: Fans are saying to go for it. A few are offended by his accent, but they’re dealing with it. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t like Snoop Dogg? Dude is a legend!

Zaena: This Snoop Dogg, as you say, just possessed you and killed me.

FeeTwix: But you’re back now, right? No biggie, babe!

Hiccup: Twixy, you’re a dumbfick. Marbles, don’t you dare agree to letting that Gutenberg orgasm lead us anywhere. Say it with me: EXTREME. VETTING. This is why Tammy backstabbed us. You didn’t let me vet her.

“So what’ll it be, homies, we doing this? I ain’t got all day.”

Ryuk glances one last time to his guildmates and back to the ink shadow. “Fine, but no funny stuff.”

Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his forehead. “You’ve got to be shitting me, Marbles! Have I taught you nothing?”

The ink shadow struts forward like a drum major. “All right, y’all, follow me!”

As the ink shadow guides them across the arena, he launches into an explanation of the history of the catacombs. “Shit, I’m gonna be straight honest with y’all, these here catacombs were started way before the monarchy was in place. The eastern quadrant, that is. The western quadrant, our current one, this shit was built later, like way later.”

“The catacombs go all the way to the east?” Ryuk asks, as they move into a corridor with stalactites hanging from the ceiling.

“That’s right, lil’ homie. Them catacombs to the east turn into the sewers beneath Waringtla, stinky as fuck in my opinion. Glad my ass ain’t over there.”

“Waringtla? That’s the giant city, right?” FeeTwix asks. “Some of my fans were telling me that I should enter a tournament there … WAIT A MINUTE! The dots have been connected! Is that the same tournament you were telling me about, the one that Quantum Hughes cheated?” he asks Zaena.

Her orange eyes narrow. “Yes, your hero cheated, and through his cheating, he bested Queen Renata, the Thulean head of state, but she was only a princess then. Still, it was a despicable act. You should never look up to this type of man.”

“Agree to disagree, babe, Quantum is a legend!”

The ink shadow pauses to consider the name. Finally, he shrugs it off. “Never heard of no Quantum Hughes; must not be that big of a legend.”

Hiccup snorts. “If it sounds like Thuleans are sore losers, it’s because they are. Hey! Hands off the hair, Liz!”

As they come to another chamber, the ink shadow grows in size and scares off an approaching group of imps. “Little fuckboys, if you ask me. Can’t tell y’all how many imps I kill on a weekly basis. Them fools breed quick,” he says as they move into the chamber. “But back to the history of the catacombs, ‘cause I can tell y’all are interested. Anyone know who built this shit?”

“Don’t care, but I agree with you on imps. Those little naked fickers are always down for an orgy.” Hiccup yawns. “That’s it, I’m taking a load off. Wolf, get your ass over here.”

“Thuleans built the catacombs,” the ink shadow says as they move into a wide path that slopes to the right. Odd faces are carved into the walls, their chiseled features accented by the torchlight.

The smell of brimstone makes Ryuk’s nose twitch. It’s the first time he’s smelt anything aside from stale air since they entered the arena space.

“Thuleans built this?” FeeTwix asks. “Interesting!”

Zaena smiles at him.

“While they might be cool now, the first Thuleans, called Thules, were straight warring with their dragon ancestors. And dragons ain’t no one to fuck with. Tired of having their villages burnt up, the Thules built the catacombs on Polynya to stop the dragons from attacking them. Boom. Problem solved. Dragons ain’t goin’ underground, feel me?”

“I feel you!” FeeTwix announces.