Lament for a lost lover

These brought me back to Carleton. I believed him to be a rake. He fitted into this licentious society. He had a wife and I was well aware that they went, as they said, “their own ways.” I supposed that sort of life suited them both. They set great store on what they called “their freedom.” But were they happy? I wondered. I was not sure. There was so much of which I was not sure and particularly regarding Carleton. What disturbed me about Carleton was that as soon as he entered a room I was aware of him. He was taller than most men and he had an air of complete indifference to the effect he was having, which I suppose would be called poise. Certainly he gave the impression that nothing would ruffle him. Edwin had lacked that. win Was always eager to make everyone feel easy and happy, ton gave the impression that he was indifferent to them. He s so sure of himself. Arrogant! I thought. And something else besides. There was in him an essential masculinity which was apparent in spite of the fashionable garments he wore. No amount of velvet and brocade could make Carleton effeminate.

I wondered why he spent so much time at Court when I was sure that his heart was at Eversleigh. But of course having lost his inheritance he would need to make a career for himself and perhaps he would do that at Court. At the same time he was concerned for Eversleigh. He wanted to bring young Edwin up that he might be worthy to undertake his duties.

All sorts of thoughts were whirling round in my mind-I refused to catch them and examine them. I didn’t want to. Some were wildly absurd ... too ridiculous to consider for a moment.

But I wished I could stop thinking of Carleton Eversleigh. My parents had another engagement and could not join us, so it was my father-in-law, Charlotte, Carleton and myself who rode to the playhouse in Lord Eversleigh’s carriage. It was an adventure in itself to ride through the London streets to the King’s House in Drury Lane. Those streets were full of noise and bustle. Carriages like our own were making their way to the playhouse and in them sat exquisitely clad gallants and patched and painted ladies. What a contrast they were to ragged beggars and those who lived by their wits. I saw them darting about among the passers-by, and I am sure many of the latter would be poorer by their purses before the night was out. The streets were ill-lit and mostly cobbled, dirty and unsavoury, and I should not have liked to be on foot and splashed by the filth which was thrown up by carriage wheels. I had never seen such a contrast of riches and poverty as there was on the streets of London.

“Never venture far on foot,” Carleton warned me. “You would not be safe for a moment.”

“I daresay,” I retorted, “that I could give as good an account of myself as anyone.”

“My dear,” put in Lord Eversleigh, “these beggars are skilled at their craft. They have a hundred villainies at their fingertips. There are trained bands of thieves roaming the streets.”

“The night watchmen, I hear, are of little use’ added Charlotte. “You are right. They have become something of a joke’ replied Carleton. “Poor fellows, every night they take their lives in their hands.”

“What a dangerous place London is!” I cried. “I wonder why people set such store by it.”

“It is alive, Cousin,” said Carleton, fixing his eyes on me. They glowed with some emotion. Amusement, contempt, indulgence? I wasn’t sure. “I would rather face danger than stagnation. I am sure you would too.”

“Is it stagnation to live in quiet dignity?”

“Ha, you see, my lord, your daughter-in-law loves a discourse. I do not complain. I do myself. One of these days, dear cousin, we will thrash out the matter, for now, if I mistake not, we are turning into Drury Lane and you will have your introduction to the King’s theatre. This is His Majesty’s favourite, I do believe, and the Duke’s in Lincoln Inn does not enjoy the same patronage, for naturally fashion follows the King.”

As we alighted from the carriage, beggars pressed round us. I wanted to give them something, but Carleton had his arm through mine and drew me away. “Never open your purse in the streets,” he whispered, “even though you have a protector.” I disliked the way in which he said the word “protector,” but I could not protest as Lord Eversleigh and Charlotte would have heard and I thought might have wondered why I always wanted to take up Carleton’s words and contradict them. I shall never forget my first sight of the interior of the playhouse. There was a magic about it and I guessed I was not the only one who felt this. We were in a box close to the stage, which gave me an opportunity to study the rest of the audience.