Lament for a lost lover

I could not completely suppress the shiver which ran through me. “Oh, yes,” he went on. “Twice my expectations have been foiled. Once long ago before your husband was born-for I am some years older-I believe that on my uncle’s death all would pass to me. Then Edwin appeared and I took a step back. Edwin died and I took one step forward. Then little Edwin arrives and I am back where I was.”

“You are ... resentful?”

“Wise men are not resentful of fate, dear Cousin. What is to be will be. That’s a wise saying for how could it be otherwise, and to rail against what is a waste of time. I speak thus to show you what an interest I have in the Eversleigh inheritance, and I want your son to be worthy of it when it comes to him.”

“I believe his grandfather is fully aware of this. He will take Edwin in hand as soon as he is of an age to understand.”

“And I will play my part. I hope you will not marry rashly.”

“I have no intention of marrying rashly or otherwise.” Sometimes these intentions come overnight. I believe you met and married Edwin within a short space of time, so perhaps YOU are a lady who makes up her mind quickly. I sympathize. It is habit of my own. I know what I want and I go out to get ? as I am sure you do. But I want you to know that I am at hand to help you.”

“I will remember that.”

“I wish that I were free to help more.”

I did not understand and I was silent. I heard him laugh quietly and there might have been a hint of mockery in that laugh. “I could think of a good solution to young Edwin’s future. Alas, there are too many obstacles.”

“I really don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Briefly, what a good thing it would be if you had the inclination to marry and I were free.”

I drew away from him in horror.

“Oh, I am merely thinking of the convenience of the matter. Nothing more, I do assure you. Merely a supposition, you see. ‘If and ‘if and ‘if again.”

“An insurmountable barrier of ‘ifs,’” I said grimly. “I can see my father. He is looking this way. If you will take me to him.”

“Your pleasure is mine. Oh, one thing more. You should visit the theatre while you are in Town. I am arranging a party for tomorrow. Charlotte will come and my uncle. I am asking your parents and I trust you will be of the party.”

“Thank you, “I said.

He disturbed me, that man. I did not like the manner in which he had pressed my hand as he had talked. If it had not been for the mockery in his eyes and the light and flippant talk to which I was becoming accustomed, I should have been more than a little alarmed. I could not believe that I heard aright. Could he really have meant that if circumstances were different we might have married! Of course it would be simply for Edwin’s sake. He saw himself as the only one who could bring up my son in a suitable manner and that was because little Edwin had stepped in and taken what Carleton had hoped would be his. But in any case he was married. Thank God for that. What an extraordinary man! What an extraordinary conversation! But that was the changing society. It was growing more and more daring. People behaved as though they had been in prison for years and now that they were let out wanted to make up for the suppressions of the past.

There was something about Carleton Eversleigh which disturbed me. I would not admit it to myself, but somewhere at the back of my mind I accepted the fact that he had a powerful effect on me. My mother had said something which I couldn’t forget. It was: “Women like us should marry. We are not meant to live alone.” I knew then that she was thinking of her sister Angelet who had disliked physical contact and consequently had ruined her marriage. I did not fully understand myself in this respect. My relationship with Edwin had been completely satisfying. I had shared his passion and yet I could not feel desire for anyone else. I longed for Edwin. I was still in love with Edwin and I believed I should be for the rest of my life. I wanted Edwin, but I could not think of putting anyone in his place.

Perhaps I was not fully grown. Perhaps I was as Carleton had said, the country mouse. Certainly it seemed that in the few days I had spent here in this society which was so different from that of Eversleigh, my horizons were extending. I was beginning to wonder whether my view of life was too simple. Black had been black, and white, white. I had failed to see the shading in between.