Lament for a lost lover

“Mother, I believe you are a very happy woman.”

“You are right. I have suffered a great deal in my life, as you know. And even when your father and I were married, we were in exile and often separated. Now it seems we have come home to happiness.”

“Is it all as you would want it to be, Mother?”

“Except one thing. I should like to see you happy.”

“lam ... as far as I can ever be without Edwin.”

“One day, “she said.

I smiled at her. I wanted to tell her that having known the perfect relationship I could not bring myself to accept something less.

Returning to Eversleigh Court I was given a welcome as warm as that I had had at Flamstead. I certainly had no reason to doubt that: was greatly loved. Edwin was pounced upon by his grandmother, closely examined and declared more beautiful, more intelligent, than he had been when he went away and, of course, quite perfect.

Sally Nullens told me that Master Leigh had enjoyed having the nursery to himself. He did not regard Edwin’s return with a great deal of enthusiasm, so perhaps that was the explanation. Chastity came with a daisy chain she had made and insisted on putting it round my neck. Ellen had made a tansy cake which she knew I liked, and Charlotte came to my room and told me how relieved she was that I was back safely. Then she gave me an account of Leigh’s doings during my absence and I was happy to think that she was beginning to love the child. Jasper examined the coach to see if any damage had been done to it, and muttered to himself so that I was not sure whether any had been. Poor Jasper, he was an uneasy man, as was to be expected. There were many like him in the neighbourhood, staunch supporters of the Roundheads who were not quite capable of making the easy turnabout as so many were. It had been a happy visit and it was a gratifying homecoming. Carleton joined us for dinner-a very happy occasion said my father-in-law because I was back with precious Edwin.

Carleton was fresh from Court with the news from there. We had always heard most of the Court news from him. We knew that the body of Oliver Cromwell and some of his supporters had been dug up and publicly hanged at Tyburn; that some people who had been buried in Henry VII’s chapel and at Westminster were dug up and buried in an ordinary churchyard. We knew that there were many who sought revenge on those who had turned them out of their country and put them in exile. But, said Carleton, the King is weary of these recriminations. He says, “Enough. What he wants to do is to be left in easy peace with his subjects. He’ll love them if they love him; and if they will take him with all his faults, he’ll take them. He is an easygoing man who finds quarrelling dull and witless, for it brings no good to any.”

I said: “He sounds pleasant but perhaps a little weak.”

“Treason,” cried Carleton. “What if I report you to His Majesty?”

“As he wants me to accept his faults, he must accept mine!’ I retorted.

Carleton laughed and said: “How is my little cousin, the all important one?”

“You mean my son?”

“Who else?”

“He fares very well, thank you.”

“Quite a man now. What is he? Two years old?”

“Yes, he is two.”

“Old enough to show his character. I wonder if he will be like his father.”

“I hope and pray so,” I said fervently.

Carleton nodded. “Easygoing,” he murmured. “Wanting all to love him and being ready to love everybody.”

“That’s what you said of the King.”

“Some of us share these characteristics.”

“And you?”

“Ah, I am an unknown quantity. There is only one thing you know of me and that is that you know nothing about me.”

“That,” said Matilda, “is a little example of Carleton’s Court talk.”

“Very subtle, “I said.

“Ah, now you mock me. Let me say how glad I am that you are safely back. I trust you will go to Town for the wedding.”

“Wedding?”

“That of our Sovereign Lord and the Infanta of Portugal. I heard she is a pretty little thing but homely, and she is to bring us Bombay and Tangiers with her dowry. Barbara Castlemaine is fuming. She’ll brook no rival. What airs these women give themselves!”

‘I’ll dareswear we shall be expected to go for the wedding celebrations,” said Lord Eversleigh.

‘Yes’ said Carleton. “I think it will be expected of you.”

I shall not want to leave Edwin,” I said quickly.

Carleton was watching me intently. “I believe you think there are malicious influences at work against that child.”

“They would have little chance if there were’ retorted Matilda. “I never knew a child more cared for!”

I was deeply aware of Carleton’s gaze and felt an alarm stirring within me again. Time was passing quickly. Life had settled into a pattern. My mother still thought of finding a husband for me but I always eluded them. I could not forget Edwin. I looked back and saw the happiness I had shared with him, and I felt that if ever I married again it would be disloyal to his memory. I had decided that I would devote myself to my son, for Edwin lived again in him.