Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

Demisexuality is about attraction, not action. It doesn’t mean that people are picky about their sexual partners. It doesn’t mean that they’re “saving themselves for the right person”. When someone says that they’re demi, they mean that they can’t experience sexual attraction unless they’re close to someone. They’re not choosing to repress sexual feelings for others because they don’t have anything to repress.

Furthermore, demisexuality says nothing about who a demi has sex with, or if they even have sex at all. It’s possible to be demisexual and a virgin. It’s possible to be demisexual and repulsed. And it’s possible to be demisexual and sleep with anyone who is willing. Demisexuality is only about the circumstances where one can experience sexual attraction, not about sexual activity.

It’s also important to note that demisexuality is not, in any way, a value judgment against other people. Just because they only experience sexual attraction after developing an emotional bond, that does not mean that they feel there’s anything wrong with people who don’t require that bond to experience sexual attraction.

Okay, so they’re only sexually attracted to people that they love?

Not necessarily. The close emotional bond does not have to be love. It could be friendship, it could be a work relationship, or any number of other strong emotional connections. Something purely platonic might still be capable of triggering sexual attraction.

How long does it take a demisexual to develop sexual attraction after forming the emotional bond?

Every situation is different. Many demis say that it can take anywhere from months to years to come about. Maybe less time, maybe more. It’s not like there’s an hourglass that’s turned the moment you meet someone, and if you don’t feel sexually attracted to them by the time the sand runs out, you’re not going to.

Are gray-a’s just asexuals who have sex?

It’s not about what someone does, it’s about what they feel. If an asexual has sex, they’re an asexual who has sex, not a gray-asexual. If an asexual masturbates, they’re an asexual who masturbates, not a gray-asexual. The difference between “asexual” and “gray-asexual” is one of attraction, not behavior.

It’s not about enjoying sex, either. If an asexual likes sex, they’re an asexual who likes sex, not a gray-asexual. It’s possible to enjoy sex and sexual activities and not experience sexual attraction.

How can someone be “Gray”? You’re either asexual or you’re not. Clear as that.

Is it clear where you fit if you’ve only felt sexual attraction once in your entire life, then never again? Is it clear where you fit if you occasionally feel something that could potentially be sexual attraction, but it’s so weak that a passing breeze is enough to make it stop? Is it clear where you fit if you’re sometimes sexually attracted to people and you like sex, but don’t feel any drive to seek it out and would be fine without it? Is it clear where you fit if you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, let alone whether or not you’ve felt it? Gray-asexuals live in this land of confusion.

So what is gray-asexuality, then? The description you’re giving is a bit fuzzy.

The definition of “gray-asexual” is intentionally vague. It’s meant to be a catch-all for anyone who feels they fall somewhere near asexual on the spectrum between “sexual” and “asexual”. There’s no strict criteria for what makes someone “gray”, there’s no shining dividing line. If there were, it wouldn’t be a gray area.

It’s a bit like the purple spectrum between red and blue. When you’re close to red or blue, the color can be described as “reddish” or “bluish”. There’s no clear line where being “reddish” stops, but it’s clear that it stops somewhere. I mean, you can’t be one tick away from blue and still describe the color as “reddish”. Gray-asexuality is sort of like “asexual-ish”.

Do demisexuals and gray-asexuals fall in love?

Like asexuals, graces and demis come in all flavors of romantic orientation. Someone can be a heteroromantic demisexual or a panromantic gray-asexual. For a demisexual person, a romantic relationship could potentially be the catalyst for sexual attraction, however, it won’t necessarily happen just because someone’s in love.

Gray-asexuals and demisexuals can be even aromantic and not be romantically attracted to anyone. Additionally, a person can be demiromantic or gray-romantic, which are similar to being demisexual or gray-asexual, but around romantic attraction, rather than sexual.