The Mousetrap

AMYAS. What do you think? (He takes his glass, crosses to the bench and sits on the downstage end) Thank the Lord you’ve turned up, Phil. Living in this house with four women on your neck is enough to drive any man to the loony bin.

PHILIP. Four?

AMYAS. There’s Caroline being bloody to Elsa in a well-bred, polite sort of way. Elsa, being just plain bloody to Caroline.

(PHILIP sits on the easel stool)

There’s Angela, hating my guts because at last I’ve persuaded Caroline to send her to boarding-school. She ought to have gone years ago. She’s a nice kid, really, but Caroline spoils her, and she’s inclined to run wild. She put a hedgehog in my bed last week.

(PHILIP laughs)

Oh, yes, very funny—but you wait till you ram your feet down on a lot of ruddy prickles. And then lastly, but not leastly, there’s the governess. Hates me like poison. Sits there at meals with her lips set together, oozing disapproval.

MISSWILLIAMS. (off; downL.) Angela, you must get changed.

ANGELA. (off) Oh, I’m all right.

PHILIP. They seem to have got you down a bit.

MISSWILLIAMS. (off) You’re not all right. You can’t go out to tea with Mr. Blake in those jeans.

AMYAS. Nil desperandum! (He drinks)

(ANGELA enters down L.)

ANGELA. (as she enters) Merry wouldn’t mind. (She crosses to Philip and pulls him to his feet) Hullo, Philip.

(MISS WILLIAMS enters down L and crosses above the bench to the french windows)

MISSWILLIAMS. Good afternoon, Mr. Blake. I hope you had a good journey down from London?

PHILIP. Quite good, thank you.

(MISS WILLIAMS goes into the room, sees the trug on the stool, picks it up, returns to the terrace and exits by the garden door up L)

ANGELA. (crossing toLof Amyas) You’ve got paint on your ear.

AMYAS. (rubbing a painty hand on his other ear) Eh?

ANGELA. (delighted) Now you’ve got paint on both ears. He can’t go out to tea like that, can he?

AMYAS. I’ll go out to tea with ass’s ears if I like.

ANGELA. (putting her arms around Amyas’ neck from behind and mocking him) Amyas is an ass! Amyas is an ass!

AMYAS. (chanting) Amyas is an ass.

(MISS WILLIAMS enters up L and moves to the french windows)

MISSWILLIAMS. Come along, Angela.

(ANGELA jumps over the bench and runs to the easel)

ANGELA. You and your stupid painting. (Vindictively) I’m going to write “Amyas is an ass” all over your picture in scarlet paint. (She bends down, grabs a brush and proceeds to rub it in the red paint on the palette)

(AMYAS rises quickly, puts his glass downstage of the bench, crosses to ANGELA and grabs her hand before she has time to damage the picture)

AMYAS. If you ever tamper with any picture of mine—(seriously) I’ll kill you. Remember that. (He picks up a piece of rag and cleans the brush)

ANGELA. You’re just like Caroline—she’s always saying, “I’ll kill you” to people—but she never does, why, she won’t even kill wasps. (Sulkily) I wish you’d hurry up and finish painting Elsa—then she’d go away.

PHILIP. Don’t you like her?

ANGELA. (snappily) No. I think she’s a terrible bore. (She crosses to L and turns) I can’t imagine why Amyas has her here.

(PHILIP and AMYAS exchange looks. AMYAS crosses to Angela)

I suppose she’s paying you a terrible lot of money for painting her, is she, Amyas?

AMYAS. (putting his arm around Angela’s shoulders and guiding her towards the french windows) Go and finish your packing. Four-fifteen train tomorrow, and good riddance. (He gives her a playful shove and turns downstage)

(ANGELA hits AMYAS on the back. He turns and collapses on the bench, and she pommels his chest)

ANGELA. I hate you—I hate you. Caroline would never have sent me away to school if it wasn’t for you.