Polynya

“And? Jon Snow ficked the living shit out of his aunt and no one gave two flying ficks!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Why is it so hard to believe I’m a relatively well-read goblin, Marbles? You see me reading all the time. It’s what security guards do. We read. And sleep. And play with our chalupas if no one is watching. How do you think I got the fickin’ job that led me to meeting you in the first place?”

“I thought you came with the guildhall in Jatla,” FeeTwix says. “That’s what you told me.”

“Pfft!”

“Besides that, you were terrible at your job,” Ryuk says. “Tamana was kidnapped while you were sleeping!”

“Alternative fact alert!” Hiccup locks eyes with Ryuk and the stare-down begins. Knowing better than to get into it with the goblin, Ryuk looks away.

“Whatever, Hiccup.”

“That’s what I fickin’ thought, Marbles. Hey! Careful with the pinky toes,” the goblin tells the male pedicurist. “Keep those ones long. It’s a style in Jatla.”

Zaena sits, careful not to wrinkle her dress. Her stylist begins working on her toenails almost immediately.

“So,” Ryuk asks, “were you ever going to tell us you were a princess?”

“I was,” she says, “when the time was right.”

“Well, fick, Liz, we really could have been living it up, not going to lie to you there, but you did drop the truthbomb at a pretty good time, so good job there. I was afraid Marbles was going to lose it back in that cell.”

Ryuk rolls his eyes.

“But seriously, seriously. Next time give us the heads up. Shit, I’d love to be living like Thulean royalty. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I knew you were a one-percenter … Hey!” Hiccup yanks his hand back. “Careful, that’s my picking finger!”

“Picking finger?” The male stylist raises an eyebrow of disgust at the goblin.

Hiccup demonstrates what he means by jamming his pointer finger in his nose and digging around. “I need to keep this one long too. I have allergies, sinus issues, and my brain needs scratching. We clear?”

The man swallows hard. “Yes, we’re clear.”

“Good. Now, chop chop! I got a feeling this next meeting is going to be one for the record books and I can’t have my nails in disarray.”

(0)__(x)

The Mitherfickers, looking just about as dashing as they ever have and possibly ever will, follow two of the Empress’ Knights in White Satin through a long hallway lined with tapestries and elaborate oil paintings.

The paintings depict famous battle scenes, some of which Ryuk recognizes from Flight Feet. They’re arranged in a way that gives the viewer an overwhelming feeling of the Empress’ accomplishments, which is augmented by the fact that she’s been added to all the paintings as either the main focal point or as an overseeing influence.

“Damn, there’s a lot of fickin’ propaganda posters in here!”

Ryuk snorts. Hiccup gets it, he thinks as Zaena hushes him.

“Liz, you and I have a relationship. You’re kind of like my kid sister and I’m kind of like your well-educated uncle. But just ‘cause you’re a princess doesn’t mean I’m going to start kissing anyone’s feet. I know for a fact the Empress, bless her motherly mammaries … ”

“Watch it!” one of the guards growls.

“Easy, big ficker, that’s a compliment in Jatla!”

“I’ve got this,” FeeTwix says as he slows to walk beside the goblin in the potato sack. “How about this? Behave yourself and I’ll see to it that you get a fucking kiddie pool filled with Hopkins’ Healing Nostrum. How’s that sound?”

Hiccup straightens up in a matter of seconds.

He files in line in front of Ryuk and doesn’t comment, scheme, tease, lament, complain, or chide any of his guildmates as they continue into yet another long hallway filled with Empress Thun’s imaginary exploits. He even practices a little self-control when it comes to flatulence.

The group finally stops at the foot of a flight of stairs and look up to a final chamber marked by two enormous sitting griffins carved from Thulean granite. As they pass them, Hiccup reaches out to touch one and whips his hand back to his side.

Ryuk mentally makes a note to bribe the goblin with high-end potions next time it comes up.

Messages flash on Ryuk’s iNet screen.

Zaena: Empress protocol – get to the ground to bow. She will then place her foot on the top of your head.

Hiccup: That’s hot!

More guards greet them as they enter into a circular space accented with pillars and built beneath an elaborate image of the various goddesses of Tritania. Ryuk senses that the space was designed this way for a particular reason, and his intuition is rewarded when his Magic Eye skill kicks in and he notices a faint green outline spiraling up the pillars and radiating off the throne at the back of the room.

Algomagic …

Pressed up against a back wall, the Empress’ throne has been cut into the trunk of a tree made of gold. A lion’s face is carved above the seat, its eyes open yet its pupils missing. The roots of the golden tree spread far past the throne and down the three steps.