Lament for a lost lover

Yes, I do find relief. I want to talk to you ... you of all people. For several reasons. One because at the moment you have set UP a shrine to your dead husband and are going to spend the rest of your days worshipping that shrine like a vestal virgin. Not quite a vestal though ... since you are the mother of young Edwin. And this is what makes the situation what it is.” She laughed suddenly. “It won’t last, you know. You’ll break out one day and then ... and then ...”

I said: “I have decided that I have no wish to marry again, if that is what you mean.”

“Don’t be too sure. I know there are eyes watching you.” She lowered her voice and involuntarily I looked over my shoulder.

“Yes,” she said, “You are chosen for a destiny. I know it. Someone has his eyes on you ... but there are obstacles ... living obstacles.”

“You are talking in riddles.”

“Easy ones to solve. Do you know what Eversleigh means to Carleton?”

“A great deal I am sure.”

“A great deal! That’s putting it mildly. It means everything to him. Poor Carleton, he has been cheated twice. Once as a ten year-old when his uncle, the present Lord, most inconsiderately sired a son-your own beloved husband. In a confiding mood Carleton once told me what that had meant to him. ‘I was only ten,’ he said: ‘but I can remember my baffled fury now. I had been brought up at this house. My uncle taught me everything. He was always saying ... or if he didn’t say it he implied it: “One day this will be yours.” I learned about the estate. When I rode out it was as though trumpets sounded and voices were singing, “It’s yours. It’s yours.’”“

“Did he really feel as strongly as that? He was only ten years old!”

“Carleton was never childish. He always knew what he wanted, and he had been led to believe Eversleigh was his. Well, he suppressed his anger and, loving Eversleigh, tried to make his cousin worthy of his inheritance. He told me how he made him sit his horse, hold his arrow, shoot his guns. Making a man of him, he called it. He said Edwin was too soft to manage Eversleigh. He would never have made a good job of it.”

“That was nonsense Sheer jealousy “

“As his loyal widow it would seem so to you Carleton was determined to hold Eversleigh after the King was beheaded As you know he stayed behind when so many were fleeing the country He risked his life for Eversleigh Then Edwin came and was killed and he was the heir again I remember him then-the quiet confidence the assurance “

“It sounds as though he rejoiced in his cousin’s death “

“He had never had a high opinion of him I think it seemed to him that fate had decided to watch over Eversleigh by giving it a strong master “

“This does not endear me to him “

“I think he has plans for you “

“Plans?”

“He is attracted to you in some way He is easily attracted to women “

“He had better begin to look elsewhere “

“You would seem different to him “

“The simple girl up from the country-“ I said She was talking to me as Harriet had done, patronizingly, faintly amused by my unworldliness Well, if I was unworldly at least I had found more happiness than either she or Harriet I had lost my husband, it was true, but I had my dear little son to comfort me.

“Oh, more than that,” she went on seriously “You have a strong will He would like that You have turned against him He would like that too He never wanted easy conquests“

“You had better tell him that this is one citadel which will remain unconquered“

“That would only increase his ardour “

“Ardour’ An odd word to use “

‘He would like to offer you marriage He sees that as the perfect solution If you married him he would be your son’s guardian the care and management of Eversleigh would remain in his hands, as it does now At this time Lord Eversleigh leaves every lng in his hands He managed the estate during the difficult years, so it is only natural that he should go on doing so now. There is one impediment. He is already married to me.”

“I am thankful to say it is an insurmountable one.”

“If I were to die ...”

“You ... die. You are young.”

“Look at me.”

“You are at the moment suffering from a minor indisposition. You will soon recover from that.”

She lay back and said nothing.

I went on: “This is a strange conversation. Tell me what you fancy to eat and I will have it sent to you.”

“Yes,” she said, “ a strange conversation, but I am glad we have had it. I think you ought to know ...”

There was a dreamy look in her eyes and I wondered whether she was in a fever. Fevers filled the mind with odd fancies.

I went to the bed and touched her hand. It was quite cold.

“Perhaps a little soup and a capon to follow. I will go and see about it.” Her eyes followed me to the door. I heard her whisper: “Take care, Arabella. Take care of yourself ... and your son.”

I went downstairs feeling very uneasy.