Lament for a lost lover

My dear Arabella,

This is good-bye. I am leaving this morning with James Gilley. He is devoted to me and will look after me. Believe me, when I tell you I hate to leave you, but I could see no other way. Your mother-in-law, with whom you will now live, dislikes me. She would never have tolerated me in your house. I fancy your mother is not overfond of me and would not have wanted me in hers. This seemed the answer. And when James asked me I said yes. He is rich and I like my comforts. I shall know how to handle him. I shall enjoy the Court, I am sure. I really have only one regret and that is leaving you, Arabella. We have been special friends, have we not? And we always shall be. For we shall meet again.

There is one other thing. I am leaving Leigh in your care. I know you will do the right thing by my baby. You will bring him up with your own dear Edwin, and there is no one else with whom I would rather leave him.

This is not good-bye, dear Arabella. It is au revoir. God bless you Your loving friend, Harriet.

Again and again I read through what she had written. I didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be. She had gone as dramatically as she had come. But she had left something behind to remind us of her. Her own child! How could she leave him! Of course she could. Harriet was capable of everything.

I went into the room which we had made the nursery.

Madame Lambard was rocking Leigh up and down because, as she started to say, he had the wind.

I stared at the baby and Madame Lambard said: “Is anything wrong, Madame Arabella?”

I answered simply. “She has gone. She has left the baby and has gone.” During the third week of May my parents came to the chateau to take us back, and what wild rejoicing there was at our reunion. This, alas, did not extend to the kitchens and Marianne, Jeanne and Jacques were very subdued; as for Madame Lambard, she was desolate, though perhaps this was mainly due to the babies. My mother was most disturbed when she heard that Harriet had gone, leaving her son behind.

“The unnatural creature!” she cried. “How could she do such a thing? And who is the father?”

I told her it was Charles Condey who had fallen passionately in love with Harriet during our visit to Villers Tourron.

“We know him well. He is such a sober young man. I find it hard to believe that he would not stand by a girl who was to have his child.”

“He wanted to marry her but she wouldn’t have him.”

“He was, of course, meant for Charlotte.”

“You do not know Harriet, Mother. She is so attractive. People find her irresistible ... or most of them do.”

“That is understandable ... but to leave a child!”

“She knew I would always look after him.”

“And what shall you do? Take him to Eversleigh?”

“Of course. He will grow up with Edwin.”

My mother shook her head anxiously. Then she embraced me and said: “You are a good girl, Arabella. I can’t tell you how often your father and I have thanked God for you. You know what you mean to your father?”

I nodded. “How wonderful it will be to be together again. I wish I were coming home with you to Far Flamstead.”

“I know, my dearest. But you must comfort Matilda. Poor lady, she has lost her only son. She loves you dearly. She told me that as soon as she saw you she knew you were the wife she wanted for Edwin. And now when this terrible tragedy has come to her, it is you who are the greatest help to her because you have given her little Edwin. You’ve given her something to, live for. A grandson is what she prayed for and, through you, she has him. So do not regret that you are not coming to Far Flamstead. We shall not be very far away. We will meet often and you will be happy because you have brought such joy to your new family.”

Lord Eversleigh, Edwin’s father, was a delightful man; he was considerably older than my own father, as Matilda was also. I remembered Edwin’s telling me how they had been married for some time before they had any children and that was why Carleton had had his hopes.

Lord Eversleigh was deeply moved when he was presented to my son, and although at such a time I must miss my husband even more bitterly than at others, I was happy to have brought such joy to them by giving them a grandson.