Lament for a lost lover

“Reluctant would perhaps be a more apt description,” she answered. I was disturbed when she talked like that, for I thought of poor Leigh who was really more aware of me and of Madame Lambard than he was of his mother. One night Harriet came into my room just as I had retired to bed. That was in mid-April and there had been more news from my parents about the imminent return of the King to England, and this time it was indeed significant. The Parliament had voted that the government of the country should be by the King, the Lords and the Commons. That was good enough.

Preparations would now go on apace.

Harriet was in a pensive mood.

I was already in bed, so she took a chair and studied me. “What a lot has happened in a short time,” she said, “and now there will be more changes. Just think of it, Arabella. We really shall be going home.”

“It’s strange,” I replied. “It’s what we have been waiting for and yet at the same time I feel a little sadness. This old chateau has been home to me for a long time. I have been happy here. I loved it before I realized that it was shabby and life was rather dull here. It didn’t seem so once.”

“You have a contented soul, dear Arabella. In time I believe you would make a home wherever you went ... and then start to enjoy it.”

“I realize how little I knew of life before ...”

“Before I came’ suggested Harriet.

“Yes, I suppose that could be a starting point.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have stayed, Arabella.”

“I wonder what would have happened if you had not?”

“To you ... or to me? You would have met your Edwin and married him, for that was preordained ... by your families. But you would never have followed him to England.”

“Then he might be still alive. I should have had him and the baby.”

“You see, I am a poor exchange.”

“Oh, please, Harriet, don’t talk like that. It’s a mistake to say, if this had happened something else would. How can we know?”

“Yes, how can we know? But ‘If is a fascinating game and sometimes one can’t resist playing it. If he had lived, perhaps it would not have been as you imagined. There might have been things you would have learned.”

“What do you mean?”

“About each other. You parted when you both were ideals to each other. It is difficult to remain an idol for very long, you know. Unfortunately, every one of us has, if not a foot of clay ... a heel ... a toe nail ... You see what I mean?”

“I can’t bear to think of what I did, Harriet. If I had stayed here ...”

“Let’s not speak of it, then. When you go to England it will be to the Eversleigh ancestral home.”

“I don’t know. There will be so much to be done. These homes were all but destroyed.” ‘Eversleigh Court wasn’t. We know that by his good services to Cromwell, Carleton Eversleigh managed to keep the place intact, 0 say nothing of all those treasures stored in the secret compartment behind the books.”

“Yes, they were fortunate in that.”

“The treasures will be brought forth and there you will have a luxurious home. Yes, you will go there with your son, Edwin, the heir to a goodly estate, I don’t doubt. For the Eversleighs will be one of those lucky families who will be high in royal favour. The same will apply to the Tolworthys. Little Edwin is well cushioned from either side. But from what I gather, Far Flamstead, the Tolworthy residence, was rather badly mauled by the Roundheads.”

“I can’t imagine what it will be like after all these years.”

“Prayer meetings in the banqueting hall, I suspect, and hard pallet beds to replace the comfortable four posters. One thing we know. It has not been kept cozy by a clever Carleton.”

“You didn’t like him, did you?”

“I know his kind. Arrogant, overpowering, wanting to be the master of us all. He didn’t like me, and I have the common human failing of not liking people unless they like me.”

“It is a new experience for you not to impress a man.”

“Rare, I grant you.”

“Doesn’t that make him some sort of challenge?”

“Not for me in the case of such an overbearing, conceited creature as your cousin-in-law.”

Her voice changed suddenly. It was the first time I had ever heard her sound forlorn. “If you go to Eversleigh Court ... which I am sure they will want ... what of me?”

“You would come with me.”

“Do you think I should be welcome? A woman of no consequence with a bastard boy?”

“Don’t talk like that, Harriet. You know that I should always want you with me.”

“Dear Arabella. But you see everyone does not feel so kindly towards me. Lady Eversleigh dislikes me ... and makes no effort to hide her feelings.”

“That is because of Charlotte.”

“No matter what the cause, it exists. I should not be welcome there. Your parents?

Would they invite me to Far Flamstead ... or wherever they go? Be sensible, Arabella.

Where shall I go?”

“Oh, Harriet, you have been with us so long. I can’t imagine you’re not being there.”

“You won’t have to imagine it. It will be a fact.”