AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

The president says, “Well, Olga, I’m sure our American friends don’t want us to get into the details. So let’s just say: We are most pleased to assist our American friends in any way that we possibly can.”

“Some reporters are speculating that some sort of nuclear devise accidentally went off in Alaska. Can you confirm that?”

This, I was actually allowed to ask! Don’t ask me why. The president was now reading from a teleprompter:

“Olga, the U.S. government has told us that while they appreciate our assistance they do not want us to discuss this ‘event publicly’ in any way.”

“So there’s nothing further you can tell us regarding Alaska and Russia?” I ask as I read from my teleprompter lines.

“Well, Olga, Russians love Alaska. We once owned Alaska. We shall do anything to help and support all the residents of Alaska,” says our coy president.

I pause knowing there is another story here and wish I could ask more but didn’t.

That was, almost, all that was written for me on the teleprompter.

I know the public will not be getting any more information from our president on this matter. I turn to the camera saying my last teleprompted lines, maybe forever,

“Well, there you have it. Russia and the Russian people have always been so generous that they are willing to help any country in need.

The president beams with pride at me.

“This is Olga Kasparov reporting from Moscow. Goodnight and… sleep tight!”

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

General Bahadur sits in an isolation cell in Guantanamo Bay and he doesn’t look too happy. He still has two black eyes and, if you look close enough, Stone’s boot print can still be seen on his forehead.

He is busy etching into the concrete wall in Farsi, “Death to America.”

Iranian TV

A middle class Iranian family sits around their large, flat screen color TV. They are watching a news report after morning prayers.

The male Iranian TV reporter, dressed in a nice outfit, says in Farsi,

“And this was chanted by tens of thousands of people gathered in Tehran after morning prayers today:”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

The middle aged male reporter continues:

“In other news, the state has destroyed over 100,000 ‘morally damaging’ satellite dishes on local residents’ homes. The decadent West is poisoning our nation and its values according to a Balif militia report.”

“And the Iranian military, may they be blessed by god for all eternity, have created a new submarine, The Be’sat “II.” It is expected to carry 20 ICBMs and be similar to the Russian Typhoon class Akula submarine.”

“Death to the Great Satan which is the United States of America,” the reporter reads from his teleprompter.

Washington, D.C.

Joint Chief’s Diplomatic Office

American senior diplomat, John Anderson, sits at his desk staring across to Russian diplomat Andrei Alexeev.

“In light of the fact that several of our ‘packages,’ are missing, President Mironovich proposes we say as little as possible about the Alaska incident and that we work together to retrieve them,” says Alexeev.

“I will convey your proposal to our president.” says Anderson.

“Good. We wouldn’t want the packages to…” says the Russian.

“End up in the wrong hands? Too late.”

The Russian pauses long and studies his opponent like he’s playing a game of chess.

“I was going to say, we wouldn’t want the packages to be reconstructed so as to avert our safety mechanisms.”

“I will convey your proposal to our president,” repeats Anderson as if he’s a robot.

The Russian finally brings up what he came here for:

“And we would like our submarine back.”

Anderson pauses, staring into the eyes of his opponent, ready for his next move. He smiles to himself and remembers the famous line by retired Rear Adm. John Williams. He was the former commander of the U.S. Pacific Submarine Force:

‘It’s never good for an opponent to have your playbook.’

Anderson then confidently says,

“You can have it. We have taken out your caterpillar drive, communications equipment and figured out what that fabulous acoustic absorbing material is that’s on the hull but other than that, we have no use for it.”

Andrei Alexeev is clearly not happy about this as the Americans now have in their possession the quietist submersible motor in the world and hardware that communicates with the entire Russian Armed Forces. Russia will now have to spend, in U.S. dollars, hundreds of billions upgrading every piece of communication and quiet hull technology or risk eavesdropping by the Americans.

The American then says,

“Captain Vasile just wants his wife back.”

The Russian diplomat is puzzled,

“A billion dollar Akula sub for a wife?”

“I’m told he’s a real romantic!”

says Anderson sarcastically.

Alexeev, now, is really not happy.