AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

“We haven’t focused on anti-submarine operations lately. I guess we really shouldn’t have let that skill deteriorate,” jokes the Admiral. He continues, “Our challenges are increasing while, thanks to Congress, our funding has been decreasing.”

Captain Vasili’s thoughts are a million miles from talking shop as he stares at his ham and eggs.

Vasili says, “I haven’t had any fresh meat since I left port.”

Now everyone else is staring at Vasili who snaps back to reality.

Vasili says, “Is anyone monitoring the radiation levels here?”

“Yes we are captain. We have many devices actively scanning the area.”

The admiral looks around the table and says, “Does anyone have a question?”

After a brief pause, I speak up,

“I have one. Captain Vasili, how was Russia able to sneak in heavy equipment, a full uranium mining operation and a nuclear power plant into the United States?”

Vasili hesitates, “First, let me just say on behalf of the Russian people neither I nor the Russian people had any idea of what was going on here. I am truly sorry and ashamed of what has been unleashed on America.”

“I only found out recently there are in fact five Typhoon class submarines like TK-20. They’ve all been retrofitted with a special nose cone to drive equipment right off our covered docks in Severodvinsk right into a Typhoon sub which then travels directly under the Arctic to Bokan Mountain’s reinforced steel dock.”

There is stunned silence as to the gravity of this.

The admiral then asks, “That’s impossible. So how can you fit twenty ICBMs in the front half of the ship and cargo?”

Vasili then says, “We have no ICBMs on board. None of the five Typhoons have any ICBMs on them. I recently found out that we were carrying parts to build something far more deadly than ICBMs:”

“Hundreds and hundreds of suitcase nuclear devices,” Vasili hesitates before continuing, “or perhaps something larger. I just don’t know. They never told me.”

The stunned silence continues.

The admiral breaks the silence,

“How long has this been going on?”

Vasili, “I’m not sure but at least five years. I’m sure your scientists will be most pleased to reverse engineer the caterpillar drive. Our water propulsion engine and screws are nearly silent.”

The admiral says, “We’ve already found a design flaw in your new sub. While it may be true that you’re nearly silent, you’re not completely silent.”

“We’ve tracked you with passive sonar by listening to the water pump for your spa.”[13]

Now before you laugh, the original Typhoon class submarines actually had an onboard Jacuzzi!

That’s right!

A heated spa is on all original Typhoon class submarines.

Last time I told this story, everyone laughed at me.

They laughed until they looked it up. So before you doubt my credibility, I challenge you:

Look it up!

Sound, any sound, however small, can travel for miles underwater.

So back to my story:

The admiral claims he is tracking the Typhoons by the signature of their Jacuzzi water pump!

So all the Russians, including Vasili are huddled, speaking feverishly in Russian to each other.

They look panicked until the admiral begins to laugh.

Vasili turns around hurt.

“That was joke?”

The admiral smiling, Yes, that was joke!”

Vasili laughs, “Good joke. Very good joke. Joke had us all going!”

The admiral then asks, specifically only looking at Vasili, “Any other questions, Captain?”

Vasili turns around and says, “Just one. What’s Nebraska look like this time of year?”

The admiral perks right up,

“I’m from Omaha and can assure you, captain, that it’s cold there right now. Maybe not Russia cold, but it’s cold.”

I see Vasili smiling. This guy will make a great American, I think to myself.

The commander stands and then so does everyone else except Vasili. He’s still looking at his ham.

“Was everybody finished?” asks the admiral looking at Captain Vasili.

No one will say anything even if they weren’t finished. Vasili stands out of respect.

“All right Mr. Denning, your people will transfer to an undisclosed location where we shall debrief you.”

“I don’t think so,” I say confidently.

The admiral, concerned says, “What do you mean?”

“I have a Christmas dinner date planned!”

I stand and walk down the long mess hall table to Jen.

Then I gently whisper something into her ear.

She grabs my hand, stands, whispers something back and we both walk down the mess hall and, in the doorway, I stop and look back at the admiral,

“But tomorrow we might be free.”

With that Jen and I leave the room.

The admiral says, “Lucky they’re ex-military or I’d say we have a UCMJ violation about to occur.”

All laugh.

Stone even thinks he got the joke and laughs.

Jen and I head up to the main deck, still holding hands.

We walk to the bow of this beautiful sleek ship.

The sun shines brightly over Mt. Lazaro on Duke Island.

It’s the perfect moment for a kiss.

Jen, nervously, looks around.

No one seems to be looking.

“I don’t care if anybody’s looking!” I say.

So I kiss her and she passionately kisses back.

My lonely life seems to have finally come to an end.