AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

It seems my entire existence passes right past my lips to hers.

I’m so lost in her embrace that, for a moment, I forget where we are and what just happened over the past week.

After an eternity passes by Jen says,

“This could get us fired you know.”

“There’s no FBI policy against it,” I reply.

“Well then, kiss me, sailor boy!”[14]

We both resume kissing, as the mad, mad, mad, mad world seems to float by.

And as we say in show biz:

EXT. DUKE ISLAND, ALASKA — DAY

Helicopter CAMERA PULLS BACK on Jen and JD as they kiss on the bow of the USS Zumwalt.

SLOW FADE:

ROLL CREDITS[15]

MID CREDIT ROLL:

EPILOGUE

ABC 7 News

Anchorage, AK

ABC 7 Alaska News Reporter, Stacy Macavoy, says,

“Early this morning a massive landslide sheared off an entire side of Bokan Mountain on Prince of Wales Island in Southeast Alaska. The landslide was over six and one half miles long…”

The reporter pauses and looks to her co-anchor, “Six and one half miles long?” She looks at her co-anchor again.

“It that right?”

There is no answer so she resumes,

“making it one of the largest landslides in the world. The Alaska Earthquake Center said it was quote, unusual, unquote, for a landslide to register so high, 5.3, on their Richter scale. The U.S. military is now on scene and is keeping everyone, including pilots, at least five miles from the area for their own safety. Military experts say it is likely that shifting tectonic plates actually caused the landslide. We’re on the scene with our own Wayne Christian, Wayne,

“Thank you Charlene. I’m here with Lieutenant Colonel Andrew Gibbs spokesperson for the U.S. Army.”

Wayne looks at the colonel and asks, “Large flashes of light have been seen by many locals and speculation has been that there might have been some sort of nuclear explosion here?”

“I’ve heard that story too, Wayne.”

The colonel chuckles,

“No, there was no nuclear explosion. That’s just crazy talk. Experts have told me that the aurora borealis intensifies in the wintertime and can produce some spectacular colors but a bomb? Hardly. What a fertile imagination.”

“Thank you, colonel. Back to you Charlene.”

“Thank you Wayne,” says Stacy, buying this fishy story, hook, line and sinker.

“Up next our very own meteorologist, Chuck Nature, will tell us about that ominous thunderstorm cloud that appeared this morning just south of Ketchikan in the shape of a nuclear mushroom.”

A nervous Chuck Nature, comic, and part time meteorologist stands nearby, looking to be the only idiot on the set who suspects something.

In other news, a large number of fisher persons in the Ketchikan area are retiring from fishing after the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Services said they will give each and every person a generous $250,000.00 stipend to stop fishing the area. Rumor is: They will have to sign a very detailed non-disclosure agreement (NDA). U.S. Fish & Wildlife says it’s all part of their environmental effort not to allow Southeast Alaska to become overfished.”

“Finally, Ketchikan Police Chief Robert Stone retires after thirty years on the force. He says he’s moving his family to a place that’s more, and I quote, F’ing quiet, unquote.”

National Security Agency (NSA)

Fort Meade, MD

Fred and Jerry’s office is still filled with Christmas decorations but the trees look wilted. All of the Christmas lights are turned off.

Fred and Jerry are still, eating, staring at the screen of a half dismantled “Typhoon” sub.

“I’m sure that’s not a real sub.”

“I dunno, DNI didn’t answer us. There’s nothing more we can do. It has to be what’s left of TK-20.”

“I’m contacting POTUS!” says Fred.

Ya! ‘Right!’ You’re calling the President of the United States?”

“That’s right.”

“You’re crazy! Like Elsa in Frozen[16] you should just: Let it go, man!”

Meanwhile, behind them, on a huge flat screen everyone else is gathered around watching CNN.

On the TV is TK-20 footage tooling around Alaska with the USS Zumwalt destroyer closely following.

The footage cuts abruptly. The Caption reads,

“RUSSIAN SUB RUNS AGROUND IN ALASKA.

U.S. NAVY, ON THE SCENE TO HELP.”

Fred and Jerry are oblivious to this as they continue arguing, while both eat tuna fish sandwiches from their paper bags.

Moscow

Olga Kasparov’s Diary

I’m in studio at Russian TV-12 interviewing my crazy President, Ivan Mironovich.

“So what you’re saying is that the United States of America called upon Russia to help them in Alaska?” I ask.

“Exactly, Olga. The President of the United States called me personally to ask for our specialists’ assistance due to a massive landslide in Southeast Alaska.”

“Can you tell us exactly how Russia will help with a Typhoon class, ballistic missile submarine?”

Again, I really, really wanted to ask this question but didn’t, as once again I value my life more than my phony baloney “Tokyo Rose” job.