William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Na goo, na goo,
Heesall na doo,
Heesall beest ill,
Ya doo, ya doo.

Han

Pray pardon, jolly beasts. Nay, fear me not—
’Twas but a jest, for he is my old friend.

[The Ewoks bind Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and R2-D2 and take them to their village, with C-3PO enthroned.

Luke

Now are we ta’en unto their simple homes—
Plain huts of wood with branches for their roofs.
A simple tribe are these, yet wise as well—
With neither guns nor lightsabers they snar’d
A pilot skill’d, a Wookiee brave and strong,
A Jedi Knight, and two most earnest droids.
’Twas quite a catch for such a humble net.
And now, like spits upon a fire we’re hung.
But what transpireth next? We’ll see anon.

Han

My feelings are o’ercome with thoughts most dire:
They ready for a feast, but where’s the food?
Do they not know I shall a poor meal make?
No supper may be cook’d from Han’s firm flesh,
For smuggler meat is all too hard and tough.

Chewbac.

Auugh!

TEEBO

E krandeh krandeh,
Thessah mandeh,
Thessah kuukah,
Gandeh, gandeh,

C-3PO

Ad toyum toyum,
Lessum goyum,
Nossah dootis,
Noyum, noyum.

Han

—Prithee, tell me, droid, what did he say?

C-3PO

O, it is rather an embarrassment
Good Gen’ral Solo. It appears that thou
Shalt be the main course at a banquet in
My honor. I am quite asham’d, good Sir,
And promise I shall not enjoy the meal.

Chewbac.

Auugh!

[Ewoks begin playing drums.

EWOKS

[ singing:] A gunda gunda,
Thissa funda,
Thessa burna,
Kunda, kunda.

EnterPRINCESS LEIA.

Luke

—Leia!

Han

—O, my heart! My precious one!
My Leia! Now may I go up in flames,
Since I have seen thee safe and well again,
Belovèd.

C-3PO

—Royal Highness!

Leia

—What is this
That doth transpire here? Luke and Han bound up?

[Leia approaches but is stopped by Ewoks.

[ To Ewoks:] Nay, do not hinder me, my newfound friends.
These goodly men are dear to me, they are
The closest that I have to family.
Pray, still your doubtful, cautious minds, and I
Shall show ye that these people mean no harm.
C-3PO, thou somehow art enthron’d,
Which doth suggest thou hast some sway o’er them.
Serve thou as translator, and tell these imps
To free our brave companions from their bonds.

C-3PO

[ to Teebo:] I rooktah rooktah,
Nowyee looktah,
Lessem freeum,
Booktah, booktah.

[The Ewoks continue their preparations for the feast.

Han

It seemeth that thy kingly words did fall
Upon their peasant ears a little less
Than royally.

Luke

—Good 3PO, relay
To them that if they shall not heed thy words,
Thou wilt astound them with thine anger fierce,
And ply thy magic on them.

C-3PO

—Magic, Sir?
I know not what you mean. I have no magic!

Luke

I prithee: argue not, but tell them now.

C-3PO