William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Since fault of thought hath got us to this place,
Let us be calm, and reason our way out.
Canst thou reach my lightsaber, Han?

Han

—Indeed!

[Han Solo tries but cannot reach the lightsaber.

R2-D2

[ aside:] Once more it lies in me to save these men.
Mayhap a fall upon their rears shall serve
Them well. Now quickly to thy work, my blade!

[R2-D2 begins to cut the net.

C-3PO

R2, dost think that wise? ’Tis far to fall!

Luke

Down, down, we fall!

Han

—Alack!

C-3PO

—O, R2!

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

Han

Safe from the net, yet hard upon the ground.
Although my mind is grateful for the help,
My back doth cry for vengeance on the droid
Whose foolish act hath knock’d us flat.

EnterEWOKS, includingTEEBO, surrounding the others.

Luke

—But look,
How many furry beings are there here!
O brave new world, that has such creatures in’t!

[Teebo points his spear at Han Solo.

TEEBO

U jabbeh, jabbeh,
Ussah stabbatheh,
Unoh muvva,
Gabbeh, gabbeh.

Han

Avaunt, thou scruffy flea-infested imp—
Point not thy spear toward my angry self,
Else thou shalt know the scourge of blaster fire.

Luke

I prithee, patience, Han—all shall be well.

TEEBO

E hura hura,
Heeno scura,
Heesa tempurr,
Gura, gura.

Luke

Chewbacca, give thy crossbow unto them.
Let them believe they have the upper hand,
And we shall see of what the beasts are made.

C-3PO

[ rising from the fall:] Alas, my head! What pains I must endure.
But O—what creatures do surround us here?

TEEBO

U hadoo, hadoo,
Heesa gadoo,
Heesa mytee,
Gadoo, gadoo.

C-3PO

A treeto treeto,
Meesah greeto,
Houdi dootee,
Seeto, seeto.

Luke

C-3PO, dost comprehend their tongue?

C-3PO

Indeed, my master Luke! Recall that I
Am fluent in more than six million forms—

Han

Less prating, more explaining, droid. What didst
Thou say to them, when thou didst speak e’en now?

C-3PO

“Hello,” methinks. ’Tis possible I am
Mistaken. They employ a primitive
And ancient dialect, but it appears
They think of me as like unto a god.

R2-D2

[ aside:] O heaven help us all. C-3PO
Already thinks himself divine, and needs
No congregation further. [ To C-3PO:] Beep, squeak!

Chewbac.

—Auugh!

Han

O Lord most high and reverent, thou gold
And stainless deity, call on thy pow’rs
And godlike charms, and straight divine us all
A way beyond this situation. Aye?

C-3PO

Nay, Gen’ral Solo, ’tis not proper.

Han

—Proper?
You shall for sure discover what is right
And proper, when I blast apart thy frame.

C-3PO

Lo, ’tis forbidden, Gen’ral Solo, for
E’en droids aren’t masters of divinity.

Han

Thou fickle spirit! Deity or not,
I shall a spiritual experience
Enjoy as I do tear thee limb from limb.

[The Ewoks surround and threaten Han Solo.

TEEBO