William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—All the world’s at war,
And all the rebels in it are the heroes;
They have their battles and their skirmishes,
And rebels in these scenes have play’d their parts,
Their story being seven ages. First,
Our princess that was captur’d was then sav’d,
But Alderaan did pay the costly price.
And then the Death Star battle, with its guns
And awful loss of life, like speeder bikes
We flew unto the final vict’ry. Then
To Hoth, so barren, with a woeful ballad
Compos’d for our lost comrades. Then to
Bespin,
Full of strange imps and fearful twists of fate.
My master fac’d Darth Vader, quick in quarrel,
While Lando, Chewie, and the princess just
Escap’d the cannon’s mouth. But then our Han—
In fair trim belly with good humor lin’d,
With eyes severe and hair of scruffy cut,
Full of harsh tongue and modern instances—
Was plac’d in carbonite. The sixth age shift’d
To Tatooine, a lean and lonely place,
With Jabba there to give us all a fright.
The sarlacc vicious was a world too wide
For us to spend eternity within.
We turn’d again to Master Luke, who with
The Force did save our lives. Last scene of all,
That ends this brave eventful history,
Shall be the Empire’s fall t’oblivion,
Sans pow’r, sans hate, sans fear, sans ev’rything.

[The Ewoks discuss the story.

Han

What do they say?

Leia

—I do not know.

Luke

[ aside:] —I sense
The keen nobility within their hearts;
These small but mighty creatures shall yet be
Our help as we make battle ’gainst our foes.

TEEBO

Na doonga doonga,
Tymee soonga,
Weesa hilpuh,
Loonga, loonga.

C-3PO

’Tis wonderful! A sign of deep respect
The group has given us, for we have been
Made members of their honorable tribe.
Moreover, they shall aid us in the fight
Against the Empire and its bunker here.

[All embrace, and an Ewok hugs Han Solo.

Han

’Tis verily a dream come true for me.
[ Aside:] And now, unhand me, teddy, ere I scream.

R2-D2

Beep, whistle, squeak!

Luke

[ aside:] —This joyous scene doth stir
My soul, for since my presence here is but
A danger to my friends, I must depart.

[Exit Luke Skywalker.

Leia

But wherefore doth Luke flee when we should all
Be celebrating? I shall follow him.

[Exit Princess Leia.

Chewbac.

Egh.

Han

—So the proverb says, Chewbacca: “Help
That is but short is better than no help
At all.” Though how the furry beasts will help
I cannot yet imagine or conceive.

C-3PO

The Ewok chief reports the scouts shall show
Us to the place that generates the shield
For the new Death Star. There we may fulfill
Our plan: deactivate the shield anon.

Han