The Mousetrap

You like your money’s worth as well as another, I’ll bet you do and all.

LADYWESTHOLME. Kindly allow me to know my own mind, Mr. Higgs.

DRAGOMAN. (NudgingLADYWESTHOLME) Very nice expedition—

(LADY WESTHOLME glares at the DRAGOMAN.)

—(Coaxingly) Very antique. Two hundred B.C. before Christ.

LADYWESTHOLME. No, Mahommed.

DRAGOMAN. Very nice expedition. Not difficult climb. Not get tired at all.

LADYWESTHOLME. I am never tired.

HIGGS. Well, if you ask me, I think it’s just ploom foolishness not to see all we can. We’ve paid our money, ’aven’t we?

LADYWESTHOLME. Unfortunately, yes. But there are certain decencies to be respected, though I am sure that it’s no good my attempting to explain them to you, Mr. Higgs.

HIGGS. You don’t think I’d understand them? I would, though. All I say is, we’ve paid our money.

LADYWESTHOLME. (Crossing to the deckchair down Right) There is really no need to go into it again. (She sits.)

HIGGS. It isn’t that you liked the old woman. Coom to that, nobody did. I’ve not noticed any signs of grieving in her family. Coom into a bit of brass, they ’ave, by the look of them.

MISSPRYCE. I so often think these things are a merciful release.

HIGGS. You bet they see it that way. And why Lady W. here should be so cut up . . .

LADYWESTHOLME. Not at all. It is simply a question of not going off sightseeing just after a sudden and unexpected death. I have no feeling of regret. Mrs. Boynton was not even an acquaintance and I am strongly of the opinion that she drank.

MISSPRYCE. (ToLADYWESTHOLME) No, Arethusa. That is really a most uncharitable thing to say—and quite untrue.

LADYWESTHOLME. Don’t be a fool, Amabel. I know alcohol when I see it.

HIGGS. So do I. (Wistfully) Ah wouldn’t mind seein’ some now—but I suppose it’s a bit early.

MISSPRYCE. I feel most strongly that one shouldn’t speak evil of the dead. At any rate, my lips are sealed.

HIGGS. (To theDRAGOMAN) Hi, Abraham, ah’m coomin’ on expedition. (He crosses to MISS PRYCE) You’d best come, too.

(MISS PRYCE really wants to go, but has one eye on LADY WESTHOLME.)

MISSPRYCE. Well, really—I hardly know—it seems . . .

DRAGOMAN. I take you very nice walk. See place where Natabeans buried. Very sad—very suitable.

MISSPRYCE. A cemetery? I really think, Arethusa, that would be quite all right.

LADYWESTHOLME. You can do as you please, but I shall stay here.

HIGGS. (ToMISSPRYCE) Coom on then, lass.

MISSPRYCE. I hardly know . . .

(HIGGS takes MISS PRYCE by the arm and leads her to the slope Left.)

HIGGS. Ee—coom on. I’ll look after yer. (He stops on the slope and turns.) And look ’ere, Abraham, I don’t want any maidenhair fern—’angin’ oop or down.

(MISS PRYCE, HIGGS and the DRAGOMAN exit up the slope Left. CARBERY enters Right.)

LADYWESTHOLME. Ah, Colonel Carbery, I wanted to speak to you.

CARBERY. (Moving Right Centre) Yes, Lady Westholme?

LADYWESTHOLME. I do hope you understand that there must be no unpleasantness about this business.

CARBERY. (Very vague) Now what d’you mean by unpleasantness, Lady Westholme?

LADYWESTHOLME. I am speaking diplomatically. These people are Americans. Americans are very touchy and prone to take offence. They may resent any sign of officialdom.

CARBERY. (Mildly) Well, you know, sudden death and all that—I have my duty to do.

LADYWESTHOLME. Quite. But the whole thing is perfectly straightforward. The heat here was intense yesterday. Radiation off these rocks. Old Mrs. Boynton was obviously in poor health. (She lowers her voice) Between ourselves, she drank.

CARBERY. Indeed? Do you happen to know that as a fact?

LADYWESTHOLME. I am positive of it.

CARBERY. But you’ve no evidence—eh?

LADYWESTHOLME. I don’t need evidence.

CARBERY. Unfortunately, I do.

LADYWESTHOLME. A sudden heat stroke is not in the least surprising under the circumstances.

CARBERY. No, no. Perfectly natural thing to happen, I agree. (He moves above the table.)

LADYWESTHOLME. So we shan’t be held up here?

CARBERY. No, no, I assure you, Lady Westholme. Horses will be along this afternoon, and arrangements made for removing the—er—body. We can all leave together.