The Clicking of Cuthbert

"Crawled?" he said. "Well, he didn't actually lick my boots, because I

saw him coming and side-stepped; but he did everything short of that. I

hadn't been talking an hour when----"

"An hour!" I gasped. "Did you talk for an hour?"

"Certainly. You wouldn't have had me be abrupt, would you? I went into

his private office and found him alone. I think at first he would have

been just as well pleased if I had retired. In fact, he said as much.

But I soon adjusted that outlook. I took a seat and a cigarette, and

then I started to sketch out for him the history of my connection with

the firm. He began to wilt before the end of the first ten minutes. At

the quarter of an hour mark he was looking at me like a lost dog that's

just found its owner. By the half-hour he was making little bleating

noises and massaging my coat-sleeve. And when, after perhaps an hour

and a half, I came to my peroration and suggested a rise, he choked

back a sob, gave me double what I had asked, and invited me to dine at

his club next Tuesday. I'm a little sorry now I cut the thing so short.

A few minutes more, and I fancy he would have given me his

sock-suspenders and made over his life-insurance in my favour."

"Well," I said, as soon as I could speak, for I was finding my young

friend a trifle overpowering, "this is most satisfactory."

"So-so," said George. "Not un-so-so. A man wants an addition to his

income when he is going to get married."

"Ah!" I said. "That, of course, will be the real test."

"What do you mean?"

"Why, when you propose to Celia Tennant. You remember you were saying

when we spoke of this before--"

"Oh, that!" said George, carelessly. "I've arranged all that."

"What!"

"Oh, yes. On my way up from the station. I looked in on Celia about an

hour ago, and it's all settled."

"Amazing!"

"Well, I don't know. I just put the thing to her, and she seemed to see

it."

"I congratulate you. So now, like Alexander, you have no more worlds to

conquer."

"Well, I don't know so much about that," said George. "The way it looks to

me is that I'm just starting. This eloquence is a thing that rather grows

on one. You didn't hear about my after-dinner speech at the anniversary

banquet of the firm, I suppose? My dear fellow, a riot! A positive

stampede. Had 'em laughing and then crying and then laughing again and

then crying once more till six of 'em had to be led out and the rest down

with hiccoughs. Napkins waving ... three tables broken ... waiters in

hysterics. I tell you, I played on them as on a stringed instrument...."

"Can you play on a stringed instrument?"

"As it happens, no. But as I would have played on a stringed instrument

if I could play on a stringed instrument. Wonderful sense of power it

gives you. I mean to go in pretty largely for that sort of thing in

future."

"You must not let it interfere with your golf."

He gave a laugh which turned my blood cold.

"Golf!" he said. "After all, what is golf? Just pushing a small ball

into a hole. A child could do it. Indeed, children have done it with

great success. I see an infant of fourteen has just won some sort of

championship. Could that stripling convulse a roomful of banqueters? I

think not! To sway your fellow-men with a word, to hold them with a

gesture ... that is the real salt of life. I don't suppose I shall play

much more golf now. I'm making arrangements for a lecturing-tour, and

I'm booked up for fifteen lunches already."

Those were his words. A man who had once done the lake-hole in one. A

man whom the committee were grooming for the amateur championship. I am

no weakling, but I confess they sent a chill shiver down my spine.

       *       *       *       *       *

George Mackintosh did not, I am glad to say, carry out his mad project

to the letter. He did not altogether sever himself from golf. He was

still to be seen occasionally on the links. But now--and I know of

nothing more tragic that can befall a man--he found himself gradually

shunned, he who in the days of his sanity had been besieged with more

offers of games than he could manage to accept. Men simply would not

stand his incessant flow of talk. One by one they dropped off, until

the only person he could find to go round with him was old Major

Moseby, whose hearing completely petered out as long ago as the year

'98. And, of course, Celia Tennant would play with him occasionally;

but it seemed to me that even she, greatly as no doubt she loved him,

was beginning to crack under the strain.

So surely had I read the pallor of her face and the wild look of dumb

agony in her eyes that I was not surprised when, as I sat one morning

in my garden reading Ray on Taking Turf, my man announced her name. I

had been half expecting her to come to me for advice and consolation,

for I had known her ever since she was a child. It was I who had given

her her first driver and taught her infant lips to lisp "Fore!" It is

not easy to lisp the word "Fore!" but I had taught her to do it, and

this constituted a bond between us which had been strengthened rather

than weakened by the passage of time.