Strange Sally Diamond

The thing is, there is hope for the little one, if we can get both her and her mother to allow some gradual separation. We will keep trying. But this is the most gruelling case I have ever worked on and it’s the same for Jean. If we don’t make a breakthrough with Denise soon, she might break us all.

Toby was my bear, and my mother’s bear. My mother pulled her hair out too when she was distressed.

22 Peter, 1974

Hours passed, and she slept, I think. I pulled apart some bread and smeared some butter on it for my lunch. I took the rest of the food and put it under the chair beside my camp bed.

When my watch said five o’clock, I shouted at her to wake up. She had to make my dinner. Bacon, mashed potato and peas.

She lifted her head and said, ‘There’s something wrong with the baby. I can feel it.’

‘I don’t care, make my dinner.’

She struggled to stand up and her face was red and sweaty. Her legs were shaking.

‘You hurt me. I think you hurt the baby.’

‘Dad told me I could.’ Dad hadn’t said anything about a baby. She could have been making up the whole baby thing. She was a thief anyway. I was cross about the chocolate.

She started to talk again but kept stopping to take deep breaths. ‘He used to make potatoes for me, years ago … I only get them now every few months … I can’t remember the last time I had a carrot.’

She squealed again and held her belly. ‘It’s not time yet. He said I had about six weeks, but when was that? It’s hard to keep track of the days here.’

I didn’t know what she was talking about. But I felt mean about kicking her so much.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

She looked at me and she was crying and smiling at the same time.

‘It’s not your fault, baby. You live with a monster. How could you be normal? What kind of man would tell you that it’s okay to kick and punch a pregnant woman?’

‘Dad is not a monster! He’s the best!’

‘But he keeps you locked up. You have no friends, you don’t go to school. Have you even met other children?’

‘No, and I never met a woman, and I’m glad.’

‘But what about when you go to the shops? Or if you got sick? Haven’t you ever seen a nurse?’

‘Dad knows how to fix me. He’s a dentist.’

She bent over in pain again. ‘Is he? … I never knew … I should have …’

She put her fingers in the gaps where her teeth should have been. She obviously did not brush her teeth.

‘You have to make my dinner. I’m hungry!’

Her face was wet with sweat. She straightened up and lifted a frying pan and fried some rashers. The smell was delicious. She mashed the potatoes with a fork and opened the tin of peas and poured them into another battered pot to heat. She slopped it all on to a plate and pushed it across the floor to me, moaning and groaning.

‘Stop making those noises.’

‘I wouldn’t be making noise if you hadn’t hurt me. I thought you were sorry.’

‘Not any more. You’re a thief and you stole my food and the bacon isn’t even crispy the way I like it.’

She stopped, breathed aloud a little and steadied herself against the sink. ‘Oh my God, you’re just like him. He’ll turn you into a monster too if you don’t escape.’

She fell back against the wall and slid down it. She fell asleep again, right there.

I ate my dinner and then the crisps.

At some stage, she crawled across the floor to her mattress and pulled the blanket over herself and cried.

I cried then too. What a terrible mother I had. This was all like a bad dream.

We didn’t speak for the rest of the evening, not even when I passed her to wash and brush my teeth and do my wees.

In the middle of the night, she woke me, crying out, ‘Help me! Please God, help me!’ but I didn’t want to help her and I didn’t know how.

‘Shush!’ I said.

In the morning, she went to the toilet. I could hear her weeing and then filling the basin with water. There was the sound of splashing and moaning.

I got dressed and ate my cornflakes while she was in there.

She came out of the toilet soaking wet from head to toe. She had no clothes on. She was still shaking. I stared at her naked body, the roundness of her belly, and the two breasts, drooping bags of flesh above it. I hadn’t wondered what naked ladies looked like. Her bottom was kind of normal, but wide, and she had hair between her legs and under her arms. I couldn’t help staring. She saw me looking. ‘I’m burning up. I can’t put my clothes on, it’s too hot.’

‘Cover yourself up, you stupid woman.’

‘Aahhhhhhhhhhh!’ She screamed and clutched her belly and, before she half fell on to the mattress, I could see blood pouring down her legs.

I was terrified. I didn’t know how to help her, but I wanted it to stop.

‘Stop it,’ I ordered her, but she was wailing now. Dad had said he’d be home by eleven this morning. It was nine thirty.