Saraband for Two Sisters

After we had left the supper table Angelet complained of her tooth. Eating had brought it on again and she was in pain. I suggested that she have a dose of Mrs. Cherry’s concoction, which had done her so much good before, and she eagerly agreed that this had helped her once and would do so again. I could see that she was telling herself that if she had violent toothache Richard would not expect her to join him and the thought comforted her considerably. I even wondered whether in some ways she welcomed this painful tooth.

“He can be told that my tooth is bothering me-“ she began.

Til send Meg,” I said.

I helped her undress and poured out the liquid myself. “It seems a little more than last time,” I said.

“Never mind. It will make me sleep the better.”

She drank it eagerly, and it was not long before the poppy juice had its effect. I sat by her bed for a while, watching her. I was struck by the youthful innocence of her face; there was a certain smile about her lips which suggested satisfaction, and I knew this was because she had escaped from a situation which was distasteful to her.

I rang the bell for Meg so that she could take a message to the study where Richard was working. She did not answer it. I remembered then that Angelet had said something earlier about her bell’s being out of order and that it was going to be repaired. I went to my room, but my thoughts were so full of what was happening between Richard and Angelet that I forgot Meg. I undressed slowly and sat before my mirror for a while. I did not see myself, but my sister’s innocent face with that smile of relief on her lips, and I thought how different we were and what I would have given to have been in her place. I remembered then that Richard had not been told of her toothache and that I had promised that Meg should take the message. On impulse I decided that I would tell him myself. I went quickly to the library, but he was not there. The house seemed very quiet as, with a wildly beating heart, I made my way to their bedroom.

He must have heard my footsteps, for as I lifted my hand to the handle the door was opened. He took my hand and drew me in.

His touch unnerved me. Fleetingly, my need of him swept over me, subduing everything else. He did not speak. It was as though some spark had ignited the passion in us both. He drew me to him and then it was too late for me to resist. “Angelet...” he began softly.

Now was the moment to explain. I almost did ... and then it passed. Of course I looked like her. He could not see the scars by candlelight. While I despised myself, I was making a bargain with fate. Let this happen... . Just once, and I’ll go away. I’ll never come back. I’ll never see him again.

And then I did this wicked thing. I went on letting him believe I was Angelet. I deceived him and I deceived myself in the belief that it could do no harm to my sister. The excitement was intense, for when I was in his arms his response was immediate. I don’t think either of us could have turned back then. I had to give myself up to this overpowering desire. I could think of nothing else. I would leave remorse for the morrow.

Exploration in the Night

I awoke with the dawn. He was sleeping beside me and the enormity of what I had done swept over me. I was horrified. It could not be true. I had dreamed it. Quietly I slipped out of the bed, terrified that he would awaken and see me. What could I say to him? How could I explain?

Trembling, I sped across the room and quietly opened the door. I reached the Lavender Room unobserved but before entering it I looked in at the Blue Room where Angelet was sleeping peacefully in her poppy-juice sleep.

I went to my bed and lay there.

“You have betrayed your sister’s faith in you,” I told myself. Then I wondered: Had he known? Was it possible that he could have been deceived? How young and inexperienced I had been to think that I had reached the heights with Bastian! My intuition in the inn yard had not been false. We were meant for each other.

What would come out of this? I was torn between a certain exultation and desperate shame. How could I ever explain my feelings to anyone? I was in love with him, if love was obsession. I wanted to be with him, to talk to him, to discover his needs and supply them, to learn of everything he did and be beside him throughout his life. How could I go into battle with him? I allowed myself to make the most ridiculous images. I saw myself disguised as a soldier in his army. I would go to his camp secretly in the night as I had gone to his bedchamber last night. Always there would be this adventure of loving and possessing.

The room was growing light and fantasies disappeared in the cold brightness of day.