Polynya

Hiccup screams like a hairy man getting a Brazilian wax as long, lustrous pink locks sprout out of the back of his head and thicken. By the time his hair is done growing, and the goblin is done bitching, he has a fabulous full head of pink hair which hangs well past his shoulders.

By this point, Zaena is rolling on the ground laughing, FeeTwix can barely stand he’s laughing so hard, and Ryuk is laughing harder than he’s laughed in weeks. Even Wolf has joined in; he now gives the goblin the queerest look he can muster.

“It was supposed to be a fickin’ dollop!”

“You told me that word was … how did put it?” Ryuk asks.

“Pooftiest,” FeeTwix says, still trying to stop laughing. “Don’t worry, Hiccup, we’ll get your hair fixed right up.” The Swede grabs a pair of clippers from his inventory list. “If it’s a topknot you want, it’s a topknot you’ll get!”

Chapter 20: Mark of the Beast

“Fickery, why do we always get caught up in fickery?” Hiccup laments as they continue down a narrow passage lit by torches. FeeTwix has given him what he wants – a topknot – and he’s even shaved a lightning bolt on the side of his head, just to give the goblin a little more flare than a goblin with pink hair and a mechanical hand could possibly need.

“Relax, Hiccup, I think we’re a pretty good group to be in, am I right, guys?”

“Yes,” Ryuk says.

“Fick me, Marbles, you have about as much personality as a blow-up doll, and those are at least useful. I’m not one to get Goblinholm’s Syndrome like Twixy over here. I’m a free thinker, a big league type of guy.”

Zaena chuckles. “Play nice, Hiccup. You’d be an ugly, bald goblin without Ryuk and you’d look like a poofter, as you say, if you had kept your pink hair long. Now you’re just an ugly goblin.”

Hiccup equips a healing potion, pops the top, and starts chugging. “Damn, love these Cherry Apollos.”

“You need to conserve those,” FeeTwix reminds him.

The goblin belches and throws the bottle over his shoulder. “They help me deal with stress, the kind that lizards and wolves give me. Fick.” He beats his chest, hiccups. “Give me heartburn too. Shit, is that big mutt pissing again? I haven’t seen him drink something yet. Where the fick do dogs get so much urine?”

“He’s marking his territory,” FeeTwix explains as Wolf catches up to them. “Haven’t you ever seen a dog do that?”

“I’ve seen a goblin do it. Fick, most of the dogs in Jatla become dinner before they have the time to properly piss on anything.”

Ryuk notices a wall up ahead at least five meters high. He walks ahead, letting Hiccup explain more in depth his knowledge of goblin vs. canine micturition, his Marble Gun at the ready. To the left of the wall is another pathway that he assumes wraps around to the top.

Without saying anything to the others, he pops a gravity marble into his mouth and floats into the air.

He takes a step up to the next invisible ledge and pops another marble in his mouth just to sustain his power. The marbles fastly dissolving, Ryuk takes a few more steps up until he reaches the top of the wall. From there, he hops over and sits, his feet dangling over the ledge.

“Fick, Marbles, since when could you fly?” Hiccup calls up to him.

“Gravity marble,” he shouts down.

“Hell yeah, toss me one!”

“Doesn’t work like that, Hiccup.”

“He’s right,” Zaena tells him, “I tried.”

“Ah, fick.”

Not one to be overshadowed by a guildmate’s power, FeeTwix equips a pair of heavy boots each with canisters latched above the heel. “DisNike steam boots,” he says, “straight from Steampunk Santa’s shop in Morlock.” He bends over to make sure they’re properly attached. “Akrasia to be exact, the prison city, but that’s a story for another day! Okay, hop into my arms, Hiccup, and I’ll carry you up.”

“No fickin’ way, Twixy, I’m not your little stuffed trash panda!”

Zaena chuckles and uses her ghost limbs to lift herself up. Once she’s next to Ryuk, she calls down to the gassy goblin. “I can give you a lift, if you want, goblin.”

“I don’t fick with konoshlo, Liz, so no. Fido and I will go the long way,” he says, pointing at the alternative path. “Come on, pooch.”

Hiccup makes a kissing sound with his fat lips and Wolf gets the hint that he should follow. Meanwhile, FeeTwix has finished strapping his DisNike steamboots on and is gearing to go. He bends, presses two buttons on either side of the boots, and takes to the air like a bat out of Hades. “Shit!”

-56 HP!

FeeTwix slams into the chamber’s ceiling, a cloud of steam trailing after him. He’s tossed backwards, and just when he’s about to lose it all, he shoots forward and smacks into Ryuk.

“Sorry!” he says as he scrambles to his feet.

Ryuk rubs the back of his head. He didn’t lose any HP, but suddenly he feels like he’s been shaken like a can of soda. “No problem,” he says as he pushes himself off the ground. He dusts his Dream Armor off and smiles at the Swede, who looks genuinely concerned. “No really, I’m fine.”