Polynya

He sprays an incoming troupe of little winged fuckers and accidently singes Hiccup in the process.

“Yeeeoooooy!” The goblin hightails it, trying to bat out the fire raging on his lower back that is now being fueled by his near limitless stream of natural gas. The fire spreads, and as soon as he gets his wits about him, he drops to the ground and starts rolling.

“I’ve got you, Hiccup!” His recently equipped baseball cap now on backwards, FeeTwix yanks a fire extinguisher from his list and hoses the goblin off. It doesn’t take much longer for the Mitherfickers and the big bad wolf to clean up what’s left of the imps.

As the battle finishes, and Zaena starts moving all the dead imps to one side of the chamber, Hiccup equips Frank’s Toe Knife and marches right over to Ryuk.

“Look … ” he says, tears in his eyes as he points his knife at Ryuk. “Look what you did to my fickin’ hair!”

Sure enough, the goblin’s pink topknot has been singed to a nearly nonexistent state. It’s still there, but the parts that are visible are now black. “Fix it, goddammit!”

“Um … ?” Ryuk looks to FeeTwix, whose black eyes are taking in all the goblin action. From there he looks to Wolf, who has started gnawing on one of the imps’ legs, and from there to Zaena, who is still, oddly enough, stacking bodies. “You want me to shoot you with a marble?”

“No, I want you to stick a marble up my ass.”

Ryuk gives him an uncertain look.

“Yes, dammit, shoot me! Do your little wish spell thing and get my fickin’ hair back. I swear to the Empress’ liquid-gold-producing mammaries that if you have somehow ficked up my hair, I’m going to make my grievances known, bigly.”

FeeTwix equips a towel and uses it to wipe some of the black imp blood off his body. “You already air your grievances bigly. I can let you borrow my hat.”

He tosses the hat over at Hiccup and the goblin kicks it. “Fick no!”

“Babe, you want?”

Zaena takes the towel, spot wipes her armor, and finishes up on her blades. Once she’s done, she hands it back to FeeTwix and the towel disappears.

“Whatever, Twixy. Marbles, I’m warning you … you’d better not fick this up!” Hiccup turns, his ass now facing Ryuk. “Do it. Peg me.”

FeeTwix cracks up again. “This will be good!”

“Um … ”

“Less umming and more shooting, Marbles.”

“I’m just trying to think of what I should say.”

“How about ‘repair hair?’” Hiccup lifts his right hip slightly and lets out a squeaker. “Fick, that barbeque has come back to haunt me. You see me launch myself into the air earlier propelled solely by flatulence?” he asks over his shoulder. “Not gonna lie, that was cool as fick.”

Damn goblin.

Ryuk pouches a clear marble, pulls back on his slingshot, takes a few big steps back, and fires it at Hiccup’s lower back. “Repair hair!”

“Yooooy!” Hiccup hops into the air, his hands on his lower back. “That fickin’ hurt!” He immediately pats his head. “What … what the fick!?” he asks as what’s left of his topknot disappears and two side curls take shape, curling even more as they extend in length. They’re yellow, and once they’re done growing, they hang well past the goblin’s double chin.

“Payot!” FeeTwix cracks up. “How orthodox of you, Hiccup!”

“Twick you, Fixy! Fick, you know what I mean!” The panicked goblin looks at Wolf, who has sat down on his haunches and is watching him with his head twisted to the right. “You too, Scooby!”

Scooby? Ryuk thinks.

Sometimes it seems like Hiccup has taken bits and pieces from what he assumes is the world up there and put them into usage having little or no knowledge of what the word means, how it is used, or who uses it. Then again, Ryuk has no idea what “scooby” means either. “I’ll try again.”

“Fick yes you will!” Hiccup growls. He tightens his grip around his toe knife. “You’d better not fick this up, Marbles.”

Ryuk places another clear marble in the slingshot, pulls back and … “Hey, what kind of hair do you actually want?” he asks, lowering his weapon.

Hiccup’s about to mouth off at him, but then he realizes the question is actually something he needs to consider.

“Same style as before?”

“Give him a faux hawk,” Zaena laughs. “A real douchey looking one.”

“Pfft, everyone knows faux hawks are cool,” Hiccup replies. “I’d be so lucky for Marbles here to give me one – talk about pootie tiz-ang out the wazoo next time I hit the club scene in Jatla – but he’s an amateur and it’s amateur hour so I’ll take what I can get. Same as before.”

“So a dollop of pink hair?” Ryuk asks.

“Did I stutter?” Hiccup nods and raises his nose. “And for the record, Marbles, ‘dollop’ is the pooftiest word you’ve said all day.”

“Fine,” he says under his breath. “Pink hair!” Annoyed with the goblin, Ryuk pulls back as far as he can and zings the marble right at the back of his head.

A Simple Request!