Polynya

He throws it back, finishes it, wipes his lips, and tosses the empty bottle at an incoming imp. The goblin uses the non-spiky end of his club to scratch his ass and then charges back into the fight.

A big black form moves in front of Ryuk as Wolf leaps to take out another imp.

Ryuk again realizes the problem with his weapon – range – and the fact that it’s easier for him to be further back if he really wants to get a shot off. To accomplish this, he moves through the fight, his Extreme Focus turned up to eleven, and gets into a position south of where the main fighting is taking place.

He aims his Marble Gun, focuses his breath, and starts popping explosive and molten marbles at the imps raining down from the ceiling. The fuckers are everywhere, giggling, crying out, lashing their tails at the Mitherfickers as they try to scratch them with their sharp claws.

-166 HP! Critical hit!

FeeTwix’s blades whirl around in the air overhead, taking out anything that makes the unfortunate mistake of getting in their trajectory.

After growing bored with this attack, the famous Swedish gamer equips a golf club and tees off at the nearest imp. He bashes, bangs, and once he finishes his double eagle, he tosses the club over his head and goes for his Glock, which was conveniently tucked into the back of his pants. The ends of his overcoat flicker in the air as the Swede does the patented dive and shoot.

Insta-Insta-Instakill!

Spent shells zip through the air as he lands with a sweet, clearly mastered, roll. Once he’s up, FeeTwix pistol-whips the living shit out of a purple imp with a white Thulean tattoo across its back, and sends the little bastard flying into Zaena’s waiting blades. Instakill! Bifurcated, the top of the imp flies left, the bottom flies to the right.

“Level up!” FeeTwix announces. “Fuck yeah, people, up to two million! Gotta do this … ” He shoots another imp and the bullet passes through the little monster into the wing of another. “Okay, everyone, now that I have your attention. You won’t believe the sale that EBAYmazon is having right now on adult novelty toys! Now, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of what they have … Fuck you, imp!”

FeeTwix elbows an imp in the face, sending its teeth flying. He doubles back with a pair of brass knuckles, takes the imp to the ground, and finishes the job MMA style. “Whew!” He wipes his brow. “Where was I? Ha! I practically have early Goblinheimer’s, am I right?”

“Fick you, Twixy!” Hiccup bashes an imp with his spiked club.

“Ah yes, novelty toys!” The Swede’s slice bang appears in his hand and he comes up and takes an imp’s head off. Instakill! “Damn right that’s an instakill!” he says, slightly out of breath. “So, adult novelty toys. People, you know you want them, and hell, if you need them, you need them. No shame! Don’t let oppressive laws stop you from putting whatever you’d like in your ass!”

“What the fick are you going on about?” Hiccup shouts. Ryuk pegs another imp, but is now keen to hear FeeTwix finish his adult-themed ad read.

“All I’m saying is everything is somebody’s something, if you get my drift! And right now on EBAYmazon, all adult novelty toys are a whopping twenty percent off with the promo code #FeeTwixRox! Get it delivered by drone in an unmarked package and have some fun with your sigother! Hell, go at it alone if you have to, but do not let anyone tell you how to live your sex life!”

“Give me a fickin’ break!” Hiccup shouts.

FeeTwix tosses his slice bang away, equips a mirror, and points to it, his eyes as black as the holes that will soon be filled by discounted sex toys. “You do you,” he says in all seriousness, and with that, a baseball cap appears on the Swedish huckster’s head. Not seconds later, a baseball bat materializes in his hands, and after a practice swing, he gets to Babe Ruthing the imps that have surrounded him.

Hiccup rolls his eyes, slams another healing potion, uses the bottle to beat in the face of an imp that has jumped onto his back, and after he’s thrown the imp off, Zaena gives it the Cuisinart treatment.

“That was a strange advertisement!” she calls over to FeeTwix.

He laughs like a madman. “All in a day’s work, babe! Now get out there, people, and get your jollies!”

Ryuk goes for his slingshot and zings one of his new gravity marbles at an imp descending from a hole up top. Suddenly, the imp’s body is flung backwards and it sticks to the ceiling.

Interesting. He pings another one dancing around Hiccup and the imp flies to the side wall, taking out a couple of dancing devils like they’re pinballs.

“Fick yeah, Marbles!” Propelled by a blistering blast of barbecue afterthought, Hiccup springs forward and knocks the socks off a hopping imp.

-144 HP! Critical hit!

Ryuk recalls the skill he learned leveling up in Port of Protla and jams a molten marble in his mouth.

Spit fire!