Polynya

Rather than answer, Ryuk pops open the porthole. The fresh air does little to cut the peppery stench from the little cabin, but it was worth a shot.

“Where are you from, up there?” Enway asks as the other Mitherfickers return to their game of Three Cards.

“Japan. You?”

“Ooo! I’ve been to Japan. Are you from Tokyo or, um, what’s the other famous place?”

“Tokyo, and there are many famous places. Where are you from?”

“Mexico City.”

“In Mexico, huh?”

“No, Ryuk,” Hiccup calls over, “Mexico City, Texas. Of course Mexico City is in Mexico. Or is Texas part of Mexico? No? It was, though, right? Fick, I hate cowboys. I’m sorry, Elfy, he’s way less cultured than me.”

She giggles and Ryuk feels his face go red with embarrassment. The thunk from a knife stabbing into the table disrupts his thoughts.

“Fickin’ cheater, Twixy!” Hiccup grabs his toe knife and points it at the Swede.

“Cheating? How the hell am I cheating? Three plus one plus three plus five is twelve!”

“You are supposed to let me play the last card before you stab the table!”

“You did play the last card, Hiccup!”

Zaena cracks up again.

“Shut your mouth, Liz, unless you’d like your boyfriend to lose his chalupa!”

Enway turns slowly to Ryuk. “Chalupa?”

“It’s what he calls his penis.”

Enway bursts out laughing. “You are the funniest goblin I’ve ever met!”

Hiccup, still with his knife trained on FeeTwix, turns to Enway and grins. “Go on ... ”

“You call your dick a chalupa!”

“And?”

“Do you even know what a chalupa is? How do I explain … ” She thinks for a moment and says, “A chalupa is a fried tortilla in the shape of a boat with a spicy filling. If anything, it is the exact opposite of a penis.”

“Are you saying that my chalupa is … ?”

“You should call it a churro!”

Hiccup slowly turns his knife from FeeTwix to Enway.

It’s FeeTwix’s turn to crack up as his fans send him pictures of chalupas and churros. “Ah, I get it now! A churro is like a long cinnamon stick that looks way more like a dick than a chalupa.”

“What the bloody fick is going on here!?”

“See for yourself, Hiccup!”

“Holy fick! I’ve had it wrong this entire time.” He gnaws on his lip for a moment and considers this. “Nope, alternative facts. Not gonna buy it, assholes. I know fake news when I see it. Anyone can generate some art featuring a churro and a chalupa. Hell, even my inbred-ass cousin Spew Gorge can do that.”

Ryuk drops his head in his hand and Enway laughs.

“Keep it to yourself, Elfy.”

“You could actually fit a churro in a chalupa, if that helps you better understand your confusion,” she offers.

“What the fick ever. Fake news. Shuffle the desk, Twixy. Liz, keep your ghost limbs to yourself.”

Chapter 7: The Bronze Crystal Super Package

Surprisingly, no one loses a hand or a chalupa in the hour it takes to fly from Aramis to the continent of Polynya. The game of Three Cards ends abruptly after Hiccup accuses FeeTwix and Zaena of ganging up on him, and forfeits, and since he forfeits, everyone keeps the item they wagered: Hiccup his jewelry box, Zaena her Unigaean necklace, and FeeTwix his wooden horse.

All portholes in the small cabin are now open, a testament to the power of Hiccup’s potent flatulence. Ryuk can see that the ship is lowering, and the creaking sound of the oars powering it makes him question the ship’s craftsmanship.

Because of the blockade, the Mitherfickers are forced to land in a city known as Clim, west of the capital city of Porthos. Ryuk has visited the city once before, which is known for the friendly deer that populate the place. Unlike the other deer in Tritania, the deer in Clim will eat out of your hand. There’s also a popular zoo in Clim which contains some of the rarest animals in the world, including a tame land dragon that is available for rides and a tardigrade petting zoo.

“This way,” Enway says as soon as they’ve exited the ship.

Ryuk feels a tug on his sleeve.

“You sure I can’t stay back and pound some drorikh and later some orc chippies with Captain Rehab?” Hiccup rubs his grubby hands together.

“I never said you couldn’t.”

“Someone needs to be the role model for the guild. Fick, with the vain Swede, touchy Thulean, and your emo ass, not to mention the fact we now have a snowflake of an elf fond of alternative facts, there is absolutely nobody for any of you kiddos to look up to. Guess I’ll stick around.”

“And you’re the role model?”

“I’m the hero you fickers deserve, not the hero you need.”

Ryuk shakes his head and Yangu wakes. The ice dragon looks down at Hiccup, pulls its neck back, and fires a cold blast at the goblin’s head.

“Fick!” Hiccup pats his head to make sure his pink hair is still intact.

FeeTwix laughs as he wraps his arm around Zaena’s waist. He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles softly.

“We will need to get a wagon if we hope to get to Katiyana by nightfall.”

“When the fick did we agree that we were going to Katiyana?” Hiccup asks.