Moscow Machination

“The bears are a metaphor for your sorry ass country, Dimitroff. You got that?”

“How could I not?” came the reply from the parking lot.

As Dimitroff’s limousine zoomed out, “At least he has sweet, sweet Anna as a compatriot. That should be comforting,” observed the Leader dejectedly.

As he was the last one left in the room, other than tiger, Dong Ki Moon felt obliged to respond, “Yes your leader. She is very beautiful.”

“Ah my man, I knew we were kindred spirits. So who do you think Anna Petrova looks like?”

“Like someone in Pyongyang?

“No dude. Like someone famous.”

“Oh ok. Hmmm,” after pretending to think for seven seconds, Dong Ki came back with “Teri Hatcher.”

“Whaaat? Teri Hatcher? How are you getting Teri Hatcher…? Dong Ki, we are so not kindred man…”

“Oh, I am sorry Dear Leader. I thought she is real and spectacular.”

“Ya whatever man, I myself thought Olivia Wilde. But whatever, it’s not like my opinion counts in this world.”

Unlike Dimitroff who had a tiny bit of diplomatic protection, Dong Ki was out on his own. His only option was to suck up real hard to the Leader.

“Oh Leader, I truly believe your opinion matters. I mean think about it, the Russians sent their top man to plead with you. After what you did to him, I am sure the Russian Foreign Minister is going to have to suck up now. Russia has no choice… all because of you.”

“Hmmm. But you don’t know these guys Dong Ki, they are absolute conniving bitches.”

“Sure they are. But what more can they do to suppress our great nation. There is nothing left to take away. Nothing to rob. We are a lean and mean nation. Super resilient and completely independent of outside meddling.”

“Hmmm. Well you may be right… I don’t know. My dad, his dad and myself have played this game long enough to know that there are seldom any winners, man.”

“I am sorry I can’t do more for our great nation, dear Leader.”

“Oh, don’t beat yourself Dong…” The Leader had just called him Dong. Wow he was on a first name basis with the leader of the laidback world. “… What you did out there at the tri-border was heroic. You will get the highest military medal during our 4^th of July celebrations. Trust me.”

“Thank you Dear Leader.”

The cook came in with some rare steaks, which piqued the tiger’s interest.

Another yellow feverish-assistant buzzed in.

“Dear Leader, the Chinese Premier is on Line 1.”

The Leader watched Zoya the tiger gobble the steaks as he took the Chinese call. He motioned Dong Ki to take off. A relieved Dong Ki, saluted and left the Leader’s Summer Residence in one piece.

* * *

“Go for Leader.”

“Hey kid how are you?” jibed Xiannian, the Chinese Premier.

“What do you care? Just because I saved your sorry ass doesn’t mean we are back to buddies ok. Not after your ‘realignment of Chinese business interests’ crap.”

“Kid, trust me. It was the previous administration’s stand on the DPRK. Not mine.”

The Leader exhaled deeply before countering the Chinese Premier.

“Previous Administration? Whats gotten into you tea baggers? Previous administration? Who talks shit like that…? Of the top of my head only one country…”

“I know, I know things are changing in China. I just want to thank you for what you guys did.”

“Ya whatever man. I just can’t believe how your Hu Gong, talked you into this tiger abduction bs. Even a sophomore at Pyongyang State’s Political Sciences would have told you to stay the fuck away from that tiger.”

“Well we have our rare lapses. But he is gone now, which means…”

“Which means you can put your own guy, that perv, as the new chief of MSS.”

“Hey, Li is not a perv. He just wanted to make sure my wife wasn’t cheating.”

The Leader had the upper hand today, “Like I said to that Russian moron, Bears-Packers kick off is in like three minutes. So… make this quick.”

“Well, as a gesture of goodwill, you are invited to our thanks giving party this year. How does that sound kid?”

“Ok, I am listening.”

“Also, we know you love fireworks. We can’t lift the fireworks embargo, but how about a visit to Beijing or Shanghai, for our Chinese New year celebrations?”

“Hong Kong.”

“Kid you are busting my balls here. Shanghai and Beijing are way better than that cesspit. Trust me. Plus the whole ‘free media’ will be there.”

“Alright, I will think about it. Rodgers is lining up. I don’t plan to miss a single snap this season.”

“Well kid. Take care. No more stunts without telling us. That’s all we ask for.”

“The Leader can’t promise anything. Bye.”

* * *

By the end of the first quarter the Pack were up 10-0. No surprises there. As long as they had Rodgers, the Pack always had a chance. No personnel, coaching or front office shenanigans was going to change that. Sort of like himself and the DPRK. As long as North Korea had him as their Leader, they were always in the game.

Just as the Leader was ready to dive into his mock KFC bucket, he was informed that the Russian Foreign Minister wanted to chat.