Moscow Machination

The President of Ukraine remained silent for a while before saying, “You are saying I don’t matter? The people of Ukraine don’t matter?”

“Oh no! You matter to us very much… like say Afghanistan, Kosovo or Mexico or even…”

“But those are failed states.”

The Undersecretary chided the Ukrainian, “Now Viktor, we don’t use that term anymore. It’s considered offensive.”

“But… but your President said so himself at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.”

“Jesus man, the Kardashians were there. He would have sent the Queen of England to G-Bay for a glance at Kim’s dimples. That’s not our foreign policy man… unless of course Kim wants it to be, but…”

“But isn’t comedy supposed to be the truest form of truth…?”

“Man your idioms are all fucked up. You are misinterpreting a lot of things. I suggest you get a better interpreter Viktor, like someone who isn’t using you to get to New York and get on the runway.”

“FYI, I went to Cambridge. My English is just fine. Also Elena isn’t my interpreter, she is my body woman.”

Sarah McAllister cringed, “Yikes, whatever man. I am running late for my next meeting. I got to meet someone from Langley. Just… just try to do some reforms or something ok. People like that kind of message.”

“But what about Crimea? What about Donetsk? Mariupol? And why the fuck is that Georgian psycho running our Odessa?”

Sarah held up her arms defensively. “First of all Crimea was always Russian. It was transferred by Khrushchev to the Ukraine, when the Ukraine was still part of the USSR. In fact back in 91, when you guys came out of the closet, you should have voluntarily retuned that wasteland surrounding Chernobyl to Russia. See, if you had returned Chernobyl you could have kept Crimea.”

“But…”

“It’s like transferring Nashville to Kentucky or something. It’s all cool because Nashville is still in the USA.”

“But that doesn’t even make sense.”

Sarah McAllister was done with the Ukrainian dummy. The nerd was pathetic. “Yes it does. As for our boy from Tbilisi, I don’t know why, but he truly believes in selling the idea of democracy.’

“But that’s not actual democracy.”

“And that’s why we like him. And the POTUS loves him… loves him.”

“But…”

“That will be all Prime Minister.”

Washington DC

“Jim, I think Viktor is about to jump the shark,” said Sarah McAllister as she settled back into her chair.

“Whatever… we got a platoon of bums ready to sub in,” assured Jim Borland the CIA’s in-house Clowning Specialist.

“Ok, but is that Georgian really necessary? He seems to be getting on Viktor’s nerves.”

“Nobody irritates Russia more than Saakashvili. And irritating Russia always wins out over placating Ukraine. Our stance is quite clear.”

“Yeah,” began Sarah pulling up a new file, “rankling the bear is a noble endeavor, I agree. But the economics are beginning to outweigh this… this thing with Russia.”

Jim shrugged. Economics — what did it even mean, “Shoot.”

“In the past 5 years, the global economy has lost Egypt, Syria, Libya, Tunisia, Iraq, Lebanon, Greece and now Ukraine.”

“Yeah, but… that’s a very small price,” protested Jim as Sarah waved him off.

“Our allied corporations would beg to differ. Companies here as well as in Europe and Asia are extremely concerned.”

“But the losses are nullified by the sale of ammo and F-16s and choppers and what not.”

“Yeah, that’s great for Boeing and Lockheed. But what about the little guys? Guys like Apple, Samsung, BMW, IBM, and Starbucks… someone’s still got to buy the phones and sip those lattes.”

Jim sipped his strong morning brew as he pondered. “Ah, I see where this is going. We carrot the shit out of India and stick it to China and Brazil. A bump of say 2 % for the Indian economy would probably erase all memories of Greece and Ukraine. A 0.5 % bump to the Chinese GDP should wipe out all of our Middle Eastern losses. A 1 % rise in the Brazilian output should put us in the clear.”

“No Jim, it’s gotten to a point where we can no longer redistribute GDP.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Russia.”

“Russia…? Please. Economically they are the equivalent of Pakistan or Puerto Rico on a good day. They aren’t even a trillion dollar economy.”

“Not so simple. Russia has natural resources and now they are turning the heat on Exxon and Shell and BP… And because of Russia we have lost the Stans and Belarus as well. Granted they aren’t big, but if Russia goes through with their Eurasian Customs Union we are screwed.”

Still unconvinced Jim asked, “Ok. So what do you propose?”

“We ran the numbers. We are going to need more than the B ICS.”

“Well I got Papua New Guinea, New Caledonia, Fiji, Algeria, Laos, Western Sahara and Burma… Burma has infinite potential…”

Sarah shook her head and smiled coyly. “We thought of something else. Something way better.”

Something went off inside Jim, “You can’t be serious…”

“We are lifting sanctions on Cuba.”

“Oh no…”

“And Iran.”

“Oh Nooo…”

“Maybe even Pyongyang.”

Chapter 16

Kremlin, Moscow