Moscow Machination

Petrova let it rip, “You assholes are the reason… the only reason… why Russia has underperformed and disappointed and imploded for so long. It wasn’t communism or military pending. Neither the noble rouble, nor Afghanistan or even the CIA, that brought down the USSR. It was you. You… bastards… you conniving little Nazi bitches.”

“Madam you aren’t getting the point. We were following…” it was Mueller.

“What… Stalin’s orders? Dude get a grip.”

Petrova puffed like a 70s era steam loco hauling a mile of coal across the tundra, “And, and this so called weapon of yours… what a fucking joke? Let’s get real for a minute! Forget the DARPA or the CIA, I bet even excuses like Ukraine and Serbia have something in their panties to shoot your fucking… fugly planes…”

President Petrova pushed on, “… haha… Russian people turn around and bend over… and planes? That was your big friggin idea? Planes? Have you fucking seen the news lately, you fucking retards?”

It seemed like the tirade was getting through as the scientists and Otto bowed and looked about nervously. Mueller tried a fresh sorry.

“Stuff your sorries in your assholes… I want you all arrested… executed right now. Purged. Yes that’s right, purged off the face off the earth. I never thought I would say this. PURGED. I get it. Stalin’s had to do what he did. Coz he was just dealing with morons.”

The President turned to the lead security guy, “GUARDS, are we gonna purge or what?”

The group of guards instantly went into attention and saluted their real President. Allegiances had changed. After weighing the options they had decided to ditch the nerds and back the politician. And now they were ready for their first ever purge. Yeah!!!

Even the President was slightly surprised by the flipping of the guards. While she had found the answers to some of Russia’s maladies, the eagerness of the Presidential guards to carry out a purge was still a mystery.

Sensing a seismic shit storm, Otto and Mueller blurted out something in unison.

“What?”

“We have another project… another weapon…”

“Really?” Anna asked sarcastically expecting more bullshit from this posse of insane clowns.

“The new weapon can ████████████ ████████████ America ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ by the balls ████████████ smash ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████.”

“Are you for real?” asked the still suspicious President. After getting a resounding yes, she said, “Go on.”

“████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ ████████████ arctic =████████████████████████ monkeys ████████████ ████████████. ████████████ ████████████ rusty trombone =████████████ silver back ████████████ Tim Hortons ██████████████ Tbilisi ████████████ double hump ████████████ snow patrol ████████████.”

* * *

Anna Petrova sat on a plush couch. She kept shaking her head. She had been doing so for half an hour.

“Madam trust me, this weapon is real.”

Finally she looked up. “If this thing is half as good as you suggest… this is beyond revolutionary… and you better not be bullshitting me… to avoid the purge.”

“The thought never crossed our minds.”

“Better not. Every Russian Leader has purged at some point. Mine is still due.”

“Yes Ma’am, we completely understand the pressures of the Presidency.”

President Petrova returned to the weapon itself. “So why did you develop this? Stalin said only one…?”

“We were ready with the ICBM-AVI by the end of the Brezhnev era. But after what happened to our comrade Karl, Otto’s brother, we decided to start working on something way beyond ultimate… pushing the letter.”

“You mean pushing the envelope? Fine, whatever. And save your sad Karl stories for someone else. Time to deploy?”

“Give us forty five days Madam. But the above ground preparation is up to our comrades on the ground.”

The President made a few calculations. She had to time her moves in accordance with the next IMF, NATO, US and the other alphabet bozos. “You know what, you have sucked us dry for seventy fucking years. A few more days won’t matter. Take three months, work out the kinks. I will have what you need up there.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“Right gentlemen, see you on the other side.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“One last thing… whats the codename of this weapon? I need some sort of name to give my people.”

“We used Katie for the ICBM-AVI and Catie for the beyond-ultimate nuke weapon.”

The President looked at Mueller quizzically, “Katie after our Katyusha rockets?”

Mueller seemed confused, “No Madam, Katie after Katie Perry… the greatest artist of our times and… Catie after Catherine the Great…”

It wasn’t a disaster, “Katie and Catie… alright.”

* * *

Anna Petrova took the Express One back to Moscow. She was back in like an hour. The under-Russians had shunted traffic in favor of the Presidential train. The retro-neo-Nazis learned fast.