Lament for a lost lover

It was a difficult problem for Jasper to solve, because Ellen had obviously pointed out that there was not really enough work for Harriet and me to do in the kitchens, and we were not very good at it in any case, and it did prevent my being idle. After consulting with his Maker (“He were on his knees two hours last night instead of his usual one,” Ellen told us), it was decided that Chastity and I might continue. “Tell me a story,” Chastity used to say, and I would think of something, but this was frowned on as lies, which could bring no good to anyone. During those days I became a sort of nursemaid-governess to Chastity, which I quite enjoyed. Harriet would wander out, as she would say, to do some tasks out-of-doors. Sometimes I wondered where Harriet went to, for she would disappear for some hours. Often she would return with a basket of plants or berries of some sort and tell us that she had a wonderful recipe for a cordial which she would make and which would bring great benefit to the household. The only point was the plants had to be left until they were ready for use, which would take some little time. She needed more plants, and she would invent names which had Ellen and her maids agog, for they had never heard of them. It did not occur to them that nobody else had either. There was something unreal about those days. Every morning when I woke up I would, for a few seconds, wonder where I was, and it would be a few more seconds before I could bring myself to believe that I was really in England, in Edwin’s home, playing a part. Sometimes Edwin was not with me when I awoke. Sometimes he went out at night. It was then I realized the danger of his mission. He would whisper to me: “Be very quiet. No one must know that I slip out at night. There are people it would be too dangerous to see by day.”

Happy days! Strange days! Unreal days! I wished that Cousin Carleton was not there.

I often found his eyes on me, as though he were faintly amused and at the same time a little sorry for me. I think he had decided that I was rather stupid which did not endear him to me.

There was an occasion when I was alone with him.

Edwin was out, so was Harriet, and I had gone to the library to see if I could find one of them, for the library was our meeting place. To my consternation I found Carleton there.

I flushed a little and murmured: “I am sorry. I thought I might find Edwin.”

“Come in and close the door.”

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“If you were, do you think I should ask you?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“I see you have made a true assessment of my character ... in that respect.”

“Did you want to speak to me?”

“Yes. You are teaching Chastity her letters, I hear.”

“Do you object to that?”

“Indeed, no. It is an excellent project. I abhore ignorance and applaud the effort to eliminate it. Do you keep your ears open in the kitchen?”

“Yes. But I have discovered little. Ellen is a staunch supporter of her husband and he is an ardent follower of the Cromwells.”

“Jasper is a fanatic. I am always wary of fanatics. A man who follows a cause because it is expedient to do so can be amenable. You only have to show him something which will be more advantageous and he could well become your man instead of the enemy’s. But fanatics? God preserve me from them.”

“Are you not a Royalist fanatic?”

“Bless your innocence, no! I support the King because the King’s party will give me back what I have lost. It’s true I believe that this killjoy rule can never profit a country and it’s damned uncomfortable for the individuals. But you must not endow me with virtues I do not possess.”

“I don’t think I have endowed you with any virtues that. I can think of.”

He laughed. “So I guessed. And in that you show wisdom, for I possess so few that they are completely submerged by my sins.”

“At least you are honest about yourself.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Only when it suits me. I tell you, dear cousin ... I may call you that behind the protection of locked doors ... that I am a wicked man. My wife prefers others and for good reason. We have one taste in common, and although we cannot share our pleasure, we understand the other’s need to pursue it. I am talking too bluntly. Forgive me. I was afraid you might form too good an opinion of me.”

“As I have told you, you need have no anxieties on that point.”

“I am relieved. I come of a lusty family, and since you are now a member of that family, you should have no illusion about it. Women have been the downfall of many of my ancestors. They have an irresistible fascination for us. My great-grandfather kept three mistresses all within a few miles of each other and not one of them knew of the existence of the others. It was quite a feat because there has always been a great deal of gossip about the family. There is ... in such a place. We are the leading family, and our exploits used to be watched with interest. Great-grandfather was insatiable. No village girl was safe.”