Lament for a lost lover

I turned and shut the door. My heart was beating fast. Something dramatic was certain to happen now that Harriet was in the house.

I went back to the drawing room where Matilda was sitting in the window, looking out.

“Oh, Arabella,” she said. “I don’t like it. How could Toby have done this?”

“He’s so enamoured of her. She is very attractive.”

“I suppose so. I shall never forget her coming to Villers Tourron, and how she suggested the play. It seemed such a good idea at the time and I was so pleased. But how it turned out! She took Charlotte’s lover. You can see how Charlotte feels about her being here. The poor girl was quite put out. I do wish she would be more amenable.”

“I have been intending for a long time to arrange some parties for her. I want her to meet people. I am sure it would be good for her.”

“You are a dear soul, Arabella. Such a comfort. I never cease to be grateful that you have become one of us. But this Harriet. Oh, how could Toby have done this to us!”

“It was I who brought her in the first place so I am to blame rather than he.”

“And having a child and going and leaving him with us as she did.”

I slipped my arm through hers. I was thankful that she did not know the real story. I wondered what her reaction would have been had she learned that Leigh was her own grandson.

“We have to accept it,” I said. “I daresay we shall grow accustomed to her being here.”

“You’re such a comfort,” said Matilda fondly.

Carleton and I discussed Harriet’s arrival when we were alone in our bedroom that night.

“You must be watchful of your old friend, my darling,” he said. “I wonder what she is planning now.”

“I think she must have fallen on lean times. So perhaps she is revelling in the comfortable position she has brought herself to.”

“Just at first perhaps. Then she will be looking around for mischief.”

“Perhaps she has grown out of that by now.”

“I’ll wager she never will.”

“How could she come here!”

“She didn’t know that you were aware of the part she had played with Edwin.”

“But she knew you did.”

“She wouldn’t care about me. She would regard me as a fellow sinner.”

“I told her I knew. It came out. I had to.”

He nodded. “I would have expected you to. You could never hide your feelings. My dear, honest Arabella.” He came over to me and put his arms about me.

“We will be on our guard,” he said. “And now ... let us forget her.” So Harriet was once more with us and this time she was in her rightful place. She had become an Eversleigh-one of us.

Uncle Toby’s pride in her was touching. His eyes followed her - he was bemused as though asking himself how such a glorious creature could possibly have married him. She had aged a little, although she concealed this with artifice and it was only occasionally that it was noticeable. Then I saw that there were light shadows under her eyes and fine lines about her mouth. But she would always be outstandingly beautiful and everyone must admit that.

It was amazing how she settled in. That Matilda was cool to her did not affect her. Nor did the fact that she had been my late husband’s mistress. Her manner of shrugging these facts aside was disarming.

She was very eager to see Leigh, and when I took her to the nursery he was with Edwin.

She looked from one to the other, not knowing which was her son.

Both boys regarded her with some sort of awe.

“You’re a stage actress,” said Leigh. I suppose he had heard the servants talking.

“You’re Uncle Toby’s new wife,” added Edwin.

She told them they were both right, and very soon she was telling them about the stage and the plays she had acted in and they were clearly fascinated. She had lost none of her charm. Uncle Toby was her adoring slave and that was easy to understand, but when I saw her exert it over the boys, I knew that she had lost none of her gifts and I remembered how little Fenn had adored her. What was almost incredible was that I found myself being caught up in the old spell.

My resentment was gradually weakening. Although I still thought of her and Edwin together now and then, it no longer angered me. She made a great effort to win back my friendship and she was gradually succeeding.

She had a gift of narrative and it was not long before I was hearing about her adventures.

“I knew it wouldn’t last with James Gilley,” she told me. “But I had to go. What else could I do? What life could I have given Leigh? I had to think of my baby. I knew that you would look after him and that with you he would have a good life. So I forced myself to part with him. It was a wrench. You don’t know how I suffered ...”

I narrowed my eyes and smiled at her.

“You don’t believe me. I understand. I don’t deserve your trust. I can see how you feel. But Edwin was so persuasive and I was half in love with him. He wasn’t good enough for you, Arabella. I used to tell myself that and it would salve my conscience. I used to say if I was not the one, there’d be someone else. Better for Arabella’s sake that I should be the one.”

“That’s an odd way of looking at it.”