Hogfather

She opened the door from the inside. The oh god stepped in and looked around. This did not take long. It was not a large room. It had been subdivided from a room that itself hadn’t been all that big to start with.

‘This is where the Tooth Fairy lives?’ Bilious said. ‘It’s a bit … poky, isn’t it? Stuff all over the floor … What’re these things hanging from this line?’

‘They’re … women’s clothes,’ said Susan, rummaging through the paperwork on a small rickety table.

‘They’re not very big,’ said the oh god. ‘And a bit thin …’

‘Tell me,’ said Susan, without looking up. ‘These memories you arrived here with … They weren’t very complicated, were they …? Ah …’

He looked over her shoulder as she opened a small red notebook.

‘I’ve only talked to Violet a few times,’ she said. ‘I think she delivers the teeth somewhere and gets a percentage of the money. It’s not a highly paid line of work. You know, they say you can Earn $$$ in Your Spare Time^{65} but she says really she could earn more money waiting on tables — Ah, this looks right …’

‘What’s that?’

‘She said she gets given the names every week.’

‘What, of the children who’re going to lose teeth?’

‘Yes. Names and addresses,’ said Susan, flicking through the pages.

‘That doesn’t sound very likely.’

‘Pardon me, but are you the God of Hangovers? Oh, look, here’s Twyla’s tooth last month.’ She smiled at the neat grey writing. ‘She practically hammered it out because she needed the half-dollar.’

‘Do you like children?’ said the oh god.

She gave him a look. ‘Not raw,’ she said. ‘Other people’s are OK. Hold on …’

She flicked some pages back and forth.

‘There’s just blank days,’ she said. ‘Look, the last few days, all unticked. No names. But if you go back a week or two, look, they’re all properly marked off and the money added up at the bottom of the page, see? And … this can’t be right, can it?’

There were only five names entered on the first unticked night, for the previous week. Most children instinctively knew when to push their luck and only the greedy or dentally improvident called out the Tooth Fairy around Hogswatch.

‘Read the names,’ said Susan.

‘William Wittles, a.k.a. Willy (home), Tosser (school), 2nd flr bck bdrm, 68 Kicklebury Street; Sophie Langtree, a.k.a. Daddy’s Princess, attic bdrm, 5 The Hippo;

The Hon. Jeffrey Bibbleton, a.k.a. Trouble in Trousers (home), Foureyes (school), 1st flr bck, Scrote Manor, Park Lane—’

He stopped. ‘I say, this is a bit intrusive, isn’t it?’

‘It’s a whole new world,’ said Susan. ‘You haven’t got there yet. Keep going.’

‘Nuhakme Icta, a.k.a. Little Jewel, basement, The Laughing Falafel, Klatchistan Take-Away and All-Nite Grocery, cnr. Soake and Dimwell;

Reginald Lilywhite, a.k.a. Banjo, The Park Lane Bully, Have You Seen This Man? The Goose Gate Grabber, The Nap Hill Lurker, Rm 17, YMPA.

‘YMPA?’

‘It’s what we generally call the Young-Men’s-Reformed-Cultists-of-the-Ichor-God-Bel-Shamharoth-Association,’ said Susan. ‘Does that sound to you like someone who’d expect a visit from a tooth fairy?’

‘No.’

‘Me neither. He sounds like someone who’d expect a visit from the Watch.’

Susan looked around. It really was a crummy room, the sort rented by someone who probably took it never intending to stay long, the sort where walking across the floor in the middle of the night would be accompanied by the crack of cockroaches in a death flamenco. It was amazing how many people spent their whole lives in places where they never intended to stay.

Cheap, narrow bed, crumbling plaster, tiny window—

She opened the window and fished around below the ledge, and felt satisfied when her questing fingers closed on a piece of string which was attached to an oilcloth bag. She hauled it in.

‘What’s that?’ said the oh god, as she opened it on the table.

‘Oh, you see them a lot,’ said Susan, taking out some packages wrapped in second-hand waxed paper. ‘You live alone, mice and roaches eat everything, there’s nowhere to store food — but outside the window it’s cold and safe. More or less safe. It’s an old trick. Now … look at this. Leathery bacon, a green loaf and a bit of cheese you could shave. She hasn’t been back home for some time, believe me.’

‘Oh dear. What now?’

‘Where would she take the teeth?’ said Susan, to the world in general but mainly to herself. ‘What the hell does the Tooth Fairy do with—’

There was a knock at the door. Susan opened it.