Hogfather

‘Not excessively so, no. And it was nine hundred years before Osric Pencillium first discovered, in the graphite-rich sands of the remote island of Sumtri, the small bush which, by dint of careful cultivation, he induced to produce the long—’

‘Yes, we can all see you’ve got the encyclopaedia open under the table, Chair,’ said Ridcully. ‘But I daresay things have changed a bit. Moved with the times. Bound to have been a few developments. Once they looked after the bread rising, now we have things that eat pencils and socks and see to it that you can never find a clean towel when you want one—’

There was a distant tinkling.

He stopped.

‘I just said that, didn’t I?’ he said.

The wizards nodded glumly.

‘And this is the first time anyone’s mentioned it?’

The wizards nodded again.

‘Well, dammit, it’s amazing, you can never find a clean towel when—’

There was a rising wheeee noise. A towel went by at shoulder height. There was a suggestion of many small wings.

‘That was mine,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes reproachfully. The towel disappeared in the direction of the Great Hall.

‘Towel Wasps,’ said the Dean. ‘Well done, Archchancellor.’

‘Well, I mean, dammit, it’s human nature, isn’t it?’ said Ridcully hotly. ‘Things go wrong, things get lost, it’s natural to invent little creatures that — All right, all right, I’ll be careful. I’m just saying man is naturally a mythopoeic creature.’

‘What’s that mean?’ said the Senior Wrangler.

‘Means we make things up as we go along,’ said the Dean, not looking up.

‘Um … excuse me, gentlemen,’ said Ponder Stibbons, who had been scribbling thoughtfully at the end of the table. ‘Are we suggesting that things are coming back? Do we think that’s a viable hypothesis?’

The wizards looked at one another around the table.

‘Definitely viable.’

‘Viable, right enough.’

‘Yes, that’s the stuff to give the troops.’

‘What is? What’s the stuff to give the troops?’

‘Well … tinned rations? Decent weapons, good boots … that sort of thing.’

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

‘Don’t ask me. He was the one who started talking about giving stuff to the troops.’

‘Will you lot shut up? No one’s giving anything to the troops!’

‘Oh, shouldn’t they have something? It’s Hogswatch, after all.’

‘Look, it was just a figure of speech, all right? I just meant I was fully in agreement. It’s just colourful language. Good grief, you surely can’t think I’m actually suggesting giving stuff to the troops, at Hogswatch or any other time!’

‘You weren’t?’

‘No!’

‘That’s a bit mean, isn’t it?’

Ponder just let it happen. It’s because their minds are so often involved with deep and problematic matters, he told himself, that their mouths are allowed to wander around making a nuisance of themselves.

‘I don’t hold with using that thinking machine,’ said the Dean. ‘I’ve said this before. It’s meddling with the Cult. The occult has always been good enough for me, thank you very much.’

‘On the other hand it’s the only person round here who can think straight and it does what it’s told,’ said Ridcully.

The sleigh roared through the snow, leaving rolling trails in the sky.

‘Oh, what fun,’ muttered Albert, hanging on tightly.^{64}

The runners hit a roof near the University and the pigs trotted to a halt.

Death looked at the hourglass again.

ODD, he said.

‘It’s a scythe job, then?’ said Albert. ‘You won’t be wanting the false beard and the jolly laugh?’ He looked around, and puzzlement replaced sarcasm. ‘Hey … how could anyone be dead up here?’

Someone was. A corpse lay in the snow.

It was clear that the man had only just died. Albert squinted up at the sky.

‘There’s nowhere to fall from and there’s no footprints in the snow,’ he said, as Death swung his scythe. ‘So where did he come from? Looks like someone’s personal guard. Been stabbed to death. Nasty knife wound there, see?’

‘It’s not good,’ agreed the spirit of the man, looking down at himself.

Then he stared from himself to Albert to Death and his phantom expression went from shock to concern.

‘They got the teeth! All of them! They just walked in … and … they … no, wait …’

He faded and was gone.

‘Well, what was that all about?’ said Albert.

I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS.

‘See that badge on his shirt? Looks like a drawing of a tooth.’

YES. IT DOES.

‘Where’s that come from?’

A PLACE I CANNOT GO.

Albert looked down at the mysterious corpse and then back up at Death’s impassive skull.

‘I keep thinking it was a funny thing, us bumping into your grand-daughter like that,’ he said.

YES.

Albert put his head on one side. ‘Given the large number of chimneys and kids in the world, ekcetra.’

INDEED.

‘Amazing coincidence, really.’

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW.

‘Hard to believe, you might say.’

LIFE CERTAINLY SPRINGS A FEW SURPRISES.

‘Not just life, I reckon,’ said Albert. ‘And she got real worked up, didn’t she? Flew right off the ole handle. Wouldn’t be surprised if she started asking questions.’

THAT’S PEOPLE FOR YOU.

‘But Rat is hanging around, ain’t he? He’ll probably keep an eye socket on her. Guide her path, prob’ly.’