Hogfather

+++ Humans Have Always Ascribed Random, Seasonal, Natural Or Inexplicable Actions To Human-Shaped Entities. Such Examples Are Jack Frost, The Hogfather, The Tooth Fairy And Death +++

‘Oh, them. Yes, but they exist,’ said Ridcully. ‘Met a couple of ’em myself.’

+++ Humans Are Not Always Wrong +++

‘All right, but I’m damn sure there’s never been an Eater of Socks or God of Hangovers.’

+++ But There Is No Reason Why There Should Not Be +++

‘The thing’s right, you know,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘A little man who carries verrucas around is no more ridiculous than someone who takes away children’s teeth for money, when you come to think about it.’

‘Yes, but what about the Eater of Socks?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘Bursar just said he always thought something was eating his socks and, bingo, there it was.’

‘But we all believed him, didn’t we? I know I did. Seems like the best possible explanation for all the socks I’ve lost over the years. I mean, if they’d just fallen down the back of the drawer or something there’d be a mountain of the things by now.’

‘I know what you mean,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s like pencils. I must have bought hundreds of pencils over the years, but how many have I ever actually worn down to the stub? Even I’ve caught myself thinking that something’s creeping up and eating them—’

There was a faint glingleglingle noise. He froze.

‘What was that?’ he said. ‘Should I look round? Will I see something horrible?’

‘Looks like a very puzzled bird,’ said Ridcully.

‘With a very odd-shaped beak,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘I wish I knew who’s making that bloody tinkling noise,’ said the Archchancellor.

The oh god listened attentively. Susan was amazed. He didn’t seem to disbelieve anything. She’d never been able to talk like this before, and said so.

‘I think that’s because I haven’t got any preconceived ideas,’ said the oh god. ‘It comes of not having been conceived, probably.’

‘Well, that’s how it is, anyway,’ said Susan. ‘Obviously I haven’t inherited … physical characteristics. I suppose I just look at the world in a certain way.’

‘What way?’

‘It … doesn’t always present barriers. Like this, for example.’

She closed her eyes. She felt better if she didn’t see what she was doing. Part of her would keep on insisting it was impossible.

All she felt was a faintly cold, prickling sensation.

‘What did I just do?’ she said, her eyes still shut.

‘Er … you waved your hand through the table,’ said the oh god.

‘You see?’

‘Um … I assume that most humans can’t do that?’

‘No!’

‘You don’t have to shout. I’m not very experienced about humans, am I? Apart from around the point the sun shines through the gap in the curtains. And then they’re mainly wishing that the ground would open up and swallow them. I mean the humans, not the curtains.’

Susan leaned back in her chair — and knew that a tiny part of her brain was saying, yes, there is a chair here, it’s a real thing, you can sit on it.

‘There’s other things,’ she said. ‘I can remember things. Things that haven’t happened yet.’

‘Isn’t that useful?’

‘No! Because I never know what they — look, it’s like looking at the future through a keyhole. You see bits of things but you never really know what they mean until you arrive where they are and see where the bit fits in.’

‘That could be a problem,’ said the oh god politely.

‘Believe me. It’s the waiting that’s the worst part. You keep watching out for one of the bits to go past. I mean I don’t usually remember anything useful about the future, just twisted little clues that don’t make sense until it’s too late. Are you sure you don’t know why you turned up at the Hogfather’s castle?’

‘No. I just remember being a … well, can you understand what I mean by a disembodied mind?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘Good. Now can you understand what I mean by a disembodied headache? And then, next moment, I was lying on a back I didn’t used to have in a lot of cold white stuff I’d never seen before. But I suppose if you’re going to pop into existence, you’ve got to do it somewhere.’

‘Somewhere where someone else, who should have existed, didn’t,’ said Susan, half to herself.

‘Pardon?’

‘The Hogfather wasn’t there,’ said Susan. ‘He shouldn’t have been there anyway, not tonight, but this time he wasn’t there not because he was somewhere else but because he wasn’t anywhere any more. Even his castle was vanishing.’

‘I expect I shall get the hang of this incarnation business as I go along,’ said the oh god.

‘Most people—’ Susan began. A shudder ran through her body. ‘Oh, no. What’s he doing? WHAT’S HE DOING?’

A JOB WELL DONE, I FANCY.

The sleigh thundered across the night. Frozen fields passed underneath.

‘Hmph,’ said Albert. He sniffed.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT WARM FEELING YOU GET INSIDE?

‘Heartburn!’ Albert snapped.

DO I DETECT A NOTE OF UNSEASONAL GRUMPINESS? said Death, NO SUGAR PIGGYWIGGY FOR YOU, ALBERT.