Hogfather

‘Don’t see why not,’ said Ridcully. He banged on the tube again and bellowed, ‘SOON HAVE YOU BACK ON YOUR … your … yes, indeed, old chap! Where’s that board with all the letter and number buttons, Mr Stibbons? Ah, good.’ He sat down and typed, with one finger, as slowly as a company chairman: D-R-Y-D-F-R-O-R-G-½P-I–L-L-S

Hex’s pipes jangled.

‘That can’t possibly work, sir,’ said Ponder.

‘It ought to,’ said Ridcully. ‘If he can get the idea of being ill, he can get the idea of being cured.’

He typed: L-O-T-S-O-F-D-R-Y-D-F-R-O-R-G-P-¼-L–L-S

‘Seems to me,’ he said, ‘that this thing believes what it’s told, right?’

‘Well, it’s true that Hex has, if you want to put it that way, no idea of an untruth.’

‘Right. Well, I’ve just told the thing it’s had a lot of dried frog pills. It’s not going to call me a liar, is it?’

There was some clickings and whirrings within the structure of Hex.

Then it wrote: +++ Good Evening, Archchancellor. I Am Fully Recovered And Enthusiastic About My Tasks +++^{58}

‘Not mad, then?’

+++ I Assure You I Am As Sane As The Next Man +++

‘Bursar, just move away from the machine, will you?’ said Ridcully. ‘Oh well, I expect it’s the best we’re going to get. Right, let’s get all this sorted out. We want to find out what’s going on.’

‘Anywhere specific or just everywhere?’ said Ponder, a shade sarcastically.

There was a scratching noise from Hex’s pen. Ridcully glanced down at the paper.

‘Says here “Implied Creation Of Anthropomorphic Personification”,’ he said. ‘What’s that mean?’

‘Er … I think Hex has tried to work out the answer,’ said Ponder.

‘Has it, bigods? I hadn’t even worked out what the question was yet …’

‘It heard you talking, sir.’

Ridcully raised his eyebrows. Then he leaned down towards the speaking tube.

‘CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE?’

The pen scratched.

+++ Yes +++

‘LOOKIN’ AFTER YOU ALL RIGHT, ARE THEY?’

‘You don’t have to shout, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder.^{57}

‘What’s this Implied Creation, then?’ said Ridcully.

‘Er, I think I’ve heard of it, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder. ‘It means the existence of some things automatically brings into existence other things. If some things exist, certain other things have to exist as well.’

‘Like … crime and punishment, say?’ said Ridcully. ‘Drinking and hangovers … of course …’

‘Something like that, sir, yes.’

‘So … if there’s a Tooth Fairy there has to be a Verruca Gnome?’ Ridcully stroked his beard. ‘Makes a sort of sense, I suppose. But why not a Wisdom Tooth Goblin? You know, bringing them extra ones? Some little devil with a bag of big teeth?’

There was silence. But in the depths of the silence there was a little tingly fairy bell sound.

‘Er … do you think I might have—’ Ridcully began.

‘Sounds logical to me,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘I remember the agony I had when my wisdom teeth came through.’

‘Last week?’ said the Dean, and smirked.

‘Ah,’ said Ridcully. He didn’t look embarrassed because people like Ridcully are never, ever embarrassed about anything, although often people are embarrassed on their behalf. He bent down to the ear trumpet again.

‘YOU STILL IN THERE?’

Ponder Stibbons rolled his eyes.

‘MIND TELLING US WHAT THE REALITY IS LIKE ROUND HERE?’

The pen wrote: +++ On A Scale Of One To Ten — Query +++

‘FINE,’ Ridcully shouted.

+++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++

‘Interestin’,’ said Ridcully. ‘Anyone know what that means?’

‘Damn,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s crashed again.’

Ridcully looked mystified. ‘Has it? I never even saw it take off.’

‘I mean it’s … it’s sort of gone a little bit mad,’ said Ponder.

‘Ah,’ said Ridcully. ‘Well, we’re experts at that around here.’

He thumped on the drum again.

‘WANT SOME MORE DRIED FROG PILLS, OLD CHAP?’ he shouted.

‘Er, I should let us sort it out, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder, trying to steer him away.

‘What does “divide by cucumber” mean?’ said Ridcully.

‘Oh, Hex just says that if it comes up with an answer that it knows can’t possibly be real,’^{59} said Ponder.

‘And this “rebooting” business? Give it a good kicking, do you?’

‘Oh, no, of course, we … that is … well, yes, in fact,’ said Ponder. ‘Adrian goes round the back and … er … prods it with his foot. But in a technical way,’ he added.

‘Ah. I think I’m getting the hang of this thinkin’ engine business,’ said Ridcully cheerfully. ‘So it reckons the universe needs a kicking, does it?’

Hex’s pen was scratching across the paper. Ponder glanced at the figures.

‘It must do. These figures can’t be right!’

Ridcully grinned again. ‘You mean either the whole world has gone wrong or your machine is wrong?’

‘Yes!’

‘Then I’d imagine the answer’s pretty easy, wouldn’t you?’ said Ridcully.

‘Yes. It certainly is. Hex gets thoroughly tested every day,’ said Ponder Stibbons.

‘Good point, that man,’ said Ridcully. He banged on Hex’s listening tube once more.

‘YOU DOWN THERE—’

‘You really don’t need to shout, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder.

—‘what’s this Anthropomorphic Personification, then?’