Dirty Little Secrets

“I see you all the time. That’s true. I see you in physics every day, where I’ve sat beside you for something like four months now and hardly heard you say a word. I see you at the café, where you always get a medium vanilla latte and barely even look at me when I hand it to you. You come and go, but I have no idea who you really are. Does that make sense?”

“What about Justine?”

“What about Justine?” he asked. “She’s got nothing to do with me.”

I glanced outside. “Yeah, but I saw you with her. When you were singing.”

Josh flashed another smile. “That was just a show,” he said. “It would have been perfect if you had been the one standing there instead of her.”

More than anything, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes and trust that what he was saying was the truth. But the truth was sometimes difficult to come by.

The sliding door opened and Kaylie walked into the kitchen. “I’ve been looking all over for you,” she said, but she didn’t sound mad. “You two just ran off together and never came back.” She grinned at me and raised her eyebrows at Josh. Subtlety was a skill she was going to have to work on.

I straightened up and took a tiny step away from Josh. “Yeah, sorry. Josh just wanted to get something out of the fridge, so I came in here to help and—”

Kaylie waved her hand in the air. “It’s fine. I’m not your mother. Anyway, Steve told us about this other party over on Hillside, and Vanessa wants to take off.”

“No problem.” I took a last swig of my root beer and put the cup down on the counter. “I’m coming.”

Josh put his cup down next to mine. “I can’t go for a while because I have to play another set. The provisional on my license just ended, so I could, uh, give you a ride home if you’re not ready to leave,” he said.

Part of me was thrilled, but more of me was terrified. Kaylie was like my lifeline in a foreign country, and it was scary to let her go. “No, really,” I said. “It’s fine. I’ll just—”

“Great idea,” Kaylie said. She turned to me and opened her eyes wide. “We’re bringing a bunch of other people with us so the van’s getting a little crowded, anyway.”

I looked at Josh and he smiled, like I would be the one doing him a favor. If this night was going to count, I was going to have to take a chance. I could always get home on my own in time for my life to completely fall apart.

“Okay.” I smiled back at him. “You really don’t care?” I asked Kaylie.

She leaned in and gave me a quick hug. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she whispered in my ear, and with a smirk, she was gone.

I felt unmoored as the only person I really knew vanished into the crowd. Josh brushed my hand with the back of his, and I noticed, not for the first time, how strong his fingers were.

“You look like you could use another drink,” he said, and grabbed my cup from the counter. I stood leaning against the sink as he poured more root beer into both of our cups. While he was busy, I allowed myself to enjoy his broad shoulders and easy smile. Not a bad way to spend the last normal night of my life, really.

“Are you spending the night at Kaylie’s?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Not tonight.”

“What time do you have to be home, then?” he asked. I followed his glance to a clock above the stove. 10:06.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Tonight? Tonight, it really doesn’t matter.” For once, I was telling the absolute truth.

chapter 18

2:30 a.m.

I glanced over my shoulder as the keys rattled in Josh’s hand. “Are you sure it’s okay?” I whispered.

He held the key ring up to the light of the lamppost on the corner. “Yeah, it’s fine. Angie totally trusts me—that’s why she made me assistant manager.” He found a big square key and fit it in the lock. “Wait here one second,” he said as he swung the door open and punched some numbers into the alarm system that hung by the front door.

I didn’t know what time it was, but I figured it was way after midnight. I’d like to say that we spent the rest of the time at the party in meaningful conversation, but that would be a big fat lie. I spent the rest of the time at the party watching Josh as he played on the little stage out back. A couple of times during a song, he would look over, catch my eye, and smile at me. I stayed way in the back of the crowd rather than up in the front with the other drooling girls, but each time he smiled, a little thrill ran through me and I couldn’t help smiling back.

The car ride here had been amazing. Once it was just the two of us, it was like the whole world dropped away. We sat in the car out in front of the party for what seemed like hours, talking until the windows were steaming and it looked like we’d been doing a lot more. I had trouble regulating what I was saying about school and the future and not touching on the past. I wanted to live right here and right now—not tomorrow and not yesterday.

“There,” Josh said as he pulled me through the front door. “If the alarm system went off, then she’d be pissed.”