Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Gilgamesh stood in front of the smoking entrance, flaming bits of doorway raining down around him. The two guards were huddled against the stonework of the castle itself, so terrified they couldn’t even flee. The crowd that remained had also dropped to the ground, and now peered up at Gil, their eyes wide. This included Zeetha, Krosp, Sleipnir, and Theo, who at least were already rising to their feet. The only odd touch was Higgs. He alone remained standing patiently, Gil’s magnificent hat cradled in one arm.

“Are we all paying attention now?” The madboy harmonics roaring through Gil’s voice made sure that this was the case, even if he had not just blown down the castle door. “Good! I, Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, am now entering the castle to aid the true Heterodyne heir!”

The older soldier stared up at him and dared to speak. “You… you’re really him? But…but you can’t be…”

Gil glared down at him. “I don’t know what I have to do to prove it to you—”

At which point Airman Higgs stepped up behind him and gently placed the magnificent hat upon his head. Higgs lit the flame on its top with his pipe, stood back, and calmly struck a theatrical pose. Krosp, Zeetha, Theo, and Sleipnir—with somewhat more enthusiasm—followed suit. Zeetha added a hearty “Ta dahh!” as she gestured.

The crowd gasped in awe.

Gil felt a brief wave of sympathy for every rogue Spark who’d ever turned a town of peasants into squirrels.

High overhead, Violetta looked up from her spyglass. She had been giving the others a running report on what was going on below. “But where did he get that incredible hat?”

Agatha closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I can guess.”

Tarvek looked worried. “Let me see this guy.” Violetta smacked his hand away. “No. Designed for my body chemistry, remember? If you try to use it, it’ll send a spike into your eye.” She paused. “Here you go.”

Tarvek ignored her and turned to Agatha. “He says he’s coming to help you. Do you trust him?”

Agatha blushed slightly. “Well…not really. Not yet.” She looked at Tarvek frankly. “About as much as I trust you.”

Tarvek frowned. “What did he do to you?”

From the crowd below, they could hear a tiny voice rising above the hubbub.

If Zeetha had learned anything during her travels with Master Payne’s Circus of Adventure, it was how to shout coherently. “Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen—the dangerously handsome young man who stands before you is indeed the son of Baron Wulfenbach!

Aaaand he has personally vowed to woo, win, and wed the Lady Heterodyne—and bring peace to all Europa!”

Gil’s infuriated shrieks were nearly drowned out by a huge cheer from the crowd. “It’s true, Ladies and Gentlemen!” she continued. “And never fear, folks, I’m sure he intends to wed her most vigorously!” This time, the colossal roar of approval completely obliterated Gil’s screams of protest.

Agatha looked upwards. It was hard not to when addressing the Castle’s invisible omnipresence. “Castle? You can kill me, now.”

The Castle chuckled. “As if I hadn’t heard that one before. Rest assured, my Lady, by this time tomorrow, I have every confidence that you’ll be happy to still be alive.” It paused. “If indeed you are.”

“Ooh!” Violetta was glued to her spyglass again. “The guy in the hat is trying to kill the girl with the green hair.” She looked up. “The others are holding him back but he’s making them work at it.”

“What an unspeakable cad!” Tarvek’s face was almost as red as Agatha’s. “Does he always have his lackeys announce his planned conquests?”

“Well, the crowd’s for it,” Violetta remarked, and indeed the sound of cheering had yet to die down.

Moloch snorted. “The crowd is always for that.”

Tarvek dropped his voice. “Agatha, just say the word—and I’ll do everything in my power to sort this fellow out for you—him and his uncouth minions…”

Agatha had a brief mental image of Tarvek trying to “sort out” Zeetha. Brief, because she figured it would be over in less than ten seconds, once Zeetha stopped laughing. “I appreciate the offer,” she said, “because by the time I get through with him, I expect there will be a lot of pieces to sort!”

“What are you idiots trying to do to me?!” Gil shouted, waving the glowing walking stick he carried. “When Agatha hears about that—Argh! Not to mention that my Father will level this place because I’ve obviously gone insane!”

Zeetha looked like she was enjoying his misery. “Phooey. You said you wanted people to talk about it, and besides…it was funny!”

Despite his mood, Gil knew better than to ignore his surroundings. They were well worth the attention. Once they had entered through the now ruined gate, the architecture of Castle Heterodyne had proved impossible to ignore. The old Heterodynes had known the importance of architecture as a method of intimidation, and had used it well.