Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Theo brandished a device with glowing orange lights. “I’ll separate the crowd from the thing with my Stalagmite Gun!” He pulled the trigger and swept the resulting beam across the street. Wherever it touched, cobblestones melted and erupted upward into superheated glowing spikes, causing the crowd to shriek.

Sleipnir took a deep breath. She had a large oily bag festooned with glowing rods and pipes that began to pour out an acrid smoke. “And I’ll get that beastie with my Hot Pipes!” She blew into a mouthpiece, spitting out an earsplitting shriek along with a thin stream of brilliant green flame. This enveloped a set of the device’s arms, covering them with a sticky, burning coating.

Krosp took in the resulting chaos. “Great. Now the crowd is hemmed in by the stalagmites while the flaming clank advances.”

Theo and Sleipnir looked abashed. “We can fix that,” Theo assured the cat.

Zeetha dodged a set of metal hooks. “They are trying to help, yes?”

Gil sighed. “It’s my fault, really. I make it look easy.”

Another set of manipulators burst forth. “How many arms did you build into this thing?”

“It’s making more,” Gil told her.

“Hi! Are you a tramp?”

While they were chopping arms, neither one of them had noticed that a small girl had wandered up to them. She was obviously fascinated by Zeetha. “Mama says you must be a tramp ’cause of the way you’re dressed.” Zeetha frantically swiped away a set of arms that were reaching for the girl. “Either that, or you’re an actress.” The girl turned to Krosp. “You’re a kitty.”

Krosp grabbed the girl and swung her away from a large grasping hand. “Do you like cheese?” she asked.

“Hey!” Krosp yelled at Gil. “Prince Myshkin! This thing just wants to catch someone, right?”

“Yes!”

“Would it hurt them?”

“No!”

Krosp smiled. “Fine. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get involved, but if I don’t, we’ll be stuck here all night.”

Gil looked alarmed. “Krosp, wait! Don’t do anything dangerous!”

“Relax. I’ll be fine.” The cat shoved the little girl directly into the grasp of the device. Instantly it formed a cage. There was a “pop” and a small burst of confetti, followed by a few bars of victorious music. Then the clank stood still.

The girl’s eyes went wide with delight. “MOMMA!” she squealed, “I’M INNA SHOW!”

The audience cheered.

Zeetha grabbed the cat by the scruff of his neck. “Krosp!”

“What? No one got hurt!” This was so evidently true that Zeetha could only glare.

Gil smiled charmingly as the little girl’s mother strode forward. “Don’t worry, ma’am, she’s—oof!” He gasped as the woman sank her fist into his stomach.

“Hyu peeg!” the woman hissed. “Get her out, now!”

Krosp shrugged. “Well, no one important.” He eyed the surrounding sea of faces. “So, showbiz girl, big enough crowd?”

“Yeah.” Zeetha graciously accepted a robe from an admiring monk, who was having serious second thoughts about his current lifestyle choices, and donned it to a wave of collective disappointment. “This should be good.”

Meanwhile, Sleipnir had twisted back enough of the bars that the little girl could wriggle free. “There you go, kid.”

The girl twirled and curtsied at Gil. “Thanks! So long, funny man.”

Gil gave a wan smile. “So lo—gooorgh!” Another sock to the gut caused him to drop to his knees.

“Hyu bad man,” the woman hissed. “Hyu no talk to my leedle gurl.”

Theo helped Gil to his feet. “Wow. Still the ladies’ man.”

“Will you give it a rest,” Gil snarled. He looked around at the crowd and nodded. “Okay, I’m ready to speak.”

Krosp and Zeetha glanced at each other. “Maybe you should let someone introduce you.”

Zeetha nodded. “Yeah. On your own, you’re too—”

Gil impatiently waved them off. “I can introduce myself.” He turned to the crowd. “People of Mechanicsburg,” he shouted. “I suppose you’re wondering what this is all about?”

Actually, everyone in the crowd was already pretty sure. A shower of coins hit the ground around Gil’s feet.

Gil waved his arms. “No! No! This isn’t a show! I’m serious!”

The audience laughed. One wag called out, “So what’s your name, kid?”

Krosp rubbed his forehead with his paw. “I knew we should’ve introduced him,” he muttered.

Gil squared his shoulders. “I am Gilgamesh Wulfenbach. I’m the Baron’s son.”

The crowd stared at him. Then erupted with howls of laughter. The wag pointed to Krosp. “I get it! And that’s the Baron’s dog, isn’t it?”

“And she’s the Baron’s daughter!” Zeetha’s face went red.

“And those are your oafish minions!” Theo and Sleipnir looked around until they realized where the crowd was pointing.

“And you must also be the gol-danged Storm King!” The sight of Gil’s face sent the crowd into such peals of laughter that many of them collapsed to the ground.

“What’ll we do?” Zeetha hissed. “He’s going to kill them.”

Suddenly Gil threw his head back and laughed. Krosp and Zeetha jumped. “That’s right, folks!”

Then Gil, lightning stick glowing, started back up the stairway to the castle entrance. “So follow me! The second act is just about to start!” And with that, he turned and bounded up the stairs.