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We took the road that leads from Hampton Cove to Happy Bays, our neighboring town. It wasn’t a long trek, all things considered, and when we finally arrived in town, people all stared at the strange procession of an old lady, two reporters, a zombie, and five cats. Clarice had decided to tag along, seeing as her schedule was clear, and she had a vested interest in ridding our town of the zombies, since a town without people is also a town without food being dumped in dumpsters, her preferred source of nourishment.

We arrived at the Happy Bays police station, and walked in. A nice lady with pretty cornrows greeted us cordially, and escorted us to an interview room after listening to Gran’s harangue.

Moments later, a gangly police officer arrived, sporting a prominent and very mobile Adam’s apple, and introduced himself as officer Virgil Scattering.

He cleared his throat noisily, stared at the zombie for a moment, then took out pad and pencil and sat poised for further developments.“So you, sir, are a zombie?” he asked.

“Not a zombie,” Gran corrected him. “Ned here has been duped by a malicious lab run by a fake doctor who turned him into a zombie and set him loose on the streets of my town, which is now on lockdown because of this so-called zombie invasion.”

The officer gulped.“So… you admit that you are, in fact, a zombie, sir?” he asked.

“No, I’m not a zombie,” said Ned. “Though I am very thirsty. Could I have some—”

“Brains?” asked Officer Scattering nervously. “No, you can’t. I still need them.”

He didn’t look like he had a lot of brains to dispense with, but when it was finally established that Ned just needed water, the officer obliged and got him some, which Ned sucked up like a sponge. The man could probably drink his body weight in water.

“So when did you first decide you wanted to become a zombie?” the officer asked.

“Look, I’m not a zombie, all right?” said Ned, starting to get a little annoyed.

“But you look like a zombie,” Officer Scattering pointed out, aptly drawing a doodle on his notepad of a zombie having his head bashed in with a big baseball bat.

“I may look like a zombie, but that doesn’t make me one, all right?” said Ned, quite correctly, I thought.

“We have a strict rule about zombies in this town,” said Officer Scattering. “And the rule is that we don’t allow them. Zombies create more zombies, and before you know it the whole town is overrun with them, and then the military come in and the whole thing becomes a mess. So I would simply advise you to go home, which presumably is the graveyard you were buried in when you died, and please don’t come back here.”

“But I’m not dead!”

“You look dead to me, sir.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not a zombie! I’m the victim of a malicious medical experiment!”

“Well, that I can believe. Nevertheless. You died, then decided for some reason to return from the dead, and now I have to advise you to return to the safety of your coffin.”

“But—”

“Leave life to the living, Mr. Zombie. And return to your dead.”

“But I—”

“Much simpler that way. Cleaner, if you see what I mean.”

“But I’m not a zombie!”

“A living dead person, then. Or an undead person? A walking dead?”

“My name is Ned Gorecki.”

“Oh, so you have a name!” said the officer, jotting this down in his notes.

“Of course I have a name! Just like you have a name, and this gentleman with the camera over here has a name, and the old lady over there—just like we all have names!”

Ned was getting a little worked up, I could tell, and no wonder. The cop wasn’t making things easy for him.

“The thing is, sir,” said Officer Scattering, clearing his throat noisily, “and I’m going to be absolutely frank with you here. Put all my cards on the table. I’m not an expert on zombies. I don’t even watch your show, to be honest. Too gruesome for my taste. But by all means, I salute you on your success. People love your show, and good for you.”

“Look, can you just take his statement?” said Gran. “Without all the gibberish about zombies? Ned wants to file a complaint against Fred Peppard and Zebediah Clam of ClamPep Laboratories. And while you’re at it, you better talk to my son over in Hampton Cove, and tell him—”

“Is your son a zombie, too?”

“No, he’s not,” said Gran, gritting her teeth a little.

Officer Scattering returned his attention to Ned.“Did you bring any of your zombie friends? Because I have to tell you that Chief Whitehouse is not going to be happy about this visit. Like I said, we have a strict no-zombie policy in this town. Very strict.”

“Look, isn’t there someone else we can talk to? This Chief Whitehouse, maybe?”

Officer Scattering smiled a deprecating little smile.“Oh, no. No, no, no. The Chief doesn’t deal with minor matters like this. The Chief only deals with murders and such. Now if your zombie had murdered someone—have you murdered someone, Mr. Zombie?”

“This is insane,” said Ned, shaking his head.

“I agree,” said the officer. “Which is why I never watch your show. Too much crazy.”