Wyrd Sisters

After a wait of several seconds he clamped his helmet back on his head, said, ‘No-one in. Blast’, and started to stride away.

The door opened. It opened very slowly, and with the maximum amount of creak. Simple neglect wouldn’t have caused that depth of groan; you’d need careful work with hot water over a period of weeks. The sergeant stopped, and then turned round very slowly while contriving to move as few muscles as possible.

He had mixed feelings about the fact that there was nothing in the doorway. In his experience, doors didn’t just open themselves.

He cleared his throat nervously.

Granny Weatherwax, right by his ear, said, ‘That’s a nasty cough you’ve got there. You did right in coming to me.’

The sergeant looked up at her with an expression of mad gratitude. He said, ‘Argle.’

——

‘She did what?’ said the duke.

The sergeant stared fixedly at an area a few inches to the right of the duke’s chair.

‘She give me a cup of tea, sir,’ he said.

‘And what about your men?’

‘She give them one too, sir.’

The duke rose from his chair and put his arms around the sergeant’s rusting chain mail shoulders. He was in a bad mood. He had spent half the night washing his hands. He kept thinking that something was whispering in his ear. His breakfast oatmeal had been served up too salty and roasted with an apple in it, and the crook had hysterics in the kitchen. You could tell the duke was extremely annoyed. He was polite. The duke was the kind of man who becomes more and more agreeable as his temper drains away, until the point is reached where the words ‘Thank you so much’ have the cutting edge of a guillotine.

‘Sergeant,’ he said, walking the man slowly across the floor.

‘Sir?’

‘I’m not sure I made your orders clear, sergeant,’ said the duke, in snake tones.

‘Sir?’

‘I mean, it is possible I may have confused you. I meant to say “Bring me a witch, in chains if necessary”, but perhaps what I really said was “Go and have a cup of tea”. Was this in fact the case?’

The sergeant wrinkled his forehead. Sarcasm had not hitherto entered his life. His experience of people being annoyed with him generally involved shouting and occasional bits of wood.

‘No, sir,’ he said.

‘I wonder why, then, you did not in fact do this thing that I asked?’

‘Sir?’

‘I expect she said some magic words, did she? I’ve heard about witches,’ said the duke, who had spent the night before reading, until his bandaged hands shook too much, some of the more excitable works on the subject.[3] ‘I imagine she offered you visions of unearthly delight? Did she show you—’ the duke shuddered —’dark fascinations and forbidden raptures, the like of which mortal men should not even think of, and demonic secrets that took you to the depths of man’s desires?’

The duke sat down and fanned himself with his handkerchief.

‘Are you all right, sir?’ said the sergeant.

‘What? Oh, perfectly, perfectly.’

‘Only you’ve gone all red.’

‘Don’t change the subject, man,’ snapped the duke, pulling himself together a bit. ‘Admit it—she offered you hedonistic and licentious pleasures known only to those who dabble in the carnal arts, didn’t she?’

The sergeant stood to attention and stared straight ahead.

‘No, sir,’ he said, in the manner of one speaking the truth come what may. ‘She offered me a bun.’

‘A bun?’

‘Yes, sir. It had currants in it.’

Felmet sat absolutely still while he fought for internal peace. Finally, all he could manage was, ‘And what did your men do about this?’

‘They had a bun too, sir. All except young Roger, who isn’t allowed fruit, sir, on account of his trouble.’

The duke sagged back on the window seat and put his hand over his eyes. I was born to rule down on the plains, he thought, where it’s all flat and there isn’t all this weather and everything and there are people who don’t appear to be made of dough. He’s going to tell me what this Roger had.

‘He had a biscuit, sir.’

The duke stared out at the trees. He was angry. He was extremely angry. But twenty years of marriage to Lady Felmet had taught him not simply to control his emotions but to control his instincts as well, and not so much as the twitching of a muscle indicated the workings of his mind. Besides, arising out of the black depths of his head was an emotion that, hitherto, he had little time for. Curiosity was flashing a fin.

The duke had managed quite well for fifty years without finding a use for curiosity. It was not a trait much encouraged in aristocrats. He had found certainty was a much better bet. However, it occurred to him that for once curiosity might have its uses.

The sergeant was standing in the middle of the floor with the stolid air of one who is awaiting a word of command, and who is quite prepared so to wait until continental drift budges him from his post. He had been in the undemanding service of the kings of Lancre for many years, and it showed. His body was standing to attention. Despite all his efforts his stomach stood at ease.