Voices in a Haunted Room

His mouth was on mine. No, I thought. I must get away. I am afraid of him.

“You married my brother.”

“Is that surprising? It was expected, and besides, I wanted to.”

“You wanted me.”

“No. You asked me, remember, and I refused.”

“It was not meant to be a refusal.”

“I am in the habit of saying what I mean.”

“Not always,” he contradicted. “Do you think I don’t know? You are shaking now.”

“Because you are behaving in a ridiculous manner. I don’t like it and I want to go in.”

“There speaks the virtuous matron.”

“That is what I am and what I intend to remain.”

“Do you really believe you will?”

“Jonathan, I am going in.”

“Not yet. Why did you marry my brother? Why did you do this?”

“Because I love him and wanted him for my husband.”

“You love him! What do you know of love?”

“A great deal more than you do, I imagine.”

“There are many sides to love, Claudine. You need all of them. My brother knows more about the Greek philosophers than of love.”

“I believe they professed to know a great deal about it.”

He laughed suddenly. “Claudine,” he said. “I don’t give up, you know.”

I shrugged my shoulders; he caught them in his hands and shook me.

“Do you think I’ll let you go because of a mere marriage?”

“The adjective is most inappropriate. You are letting alliteration run away with common sense.”

He laughed and said: “Claudine, it’s good to be with you. What I wanted more than anything during those hideous months was to be with you. When I was lying in the grass at night with the stars overhead and the knowledge that the next day could be my last, I thought of you there with me, talking to me, making me laugh, and ... making love together, Claudine.”

“And with the girl in the wine shop?”

“Ah, you remember her! I saw your eyes glint when I was telling you about her. I knew what you were thinking. I was only able to tolerate her because in my thoughts I substituted you for her. That’s how I feel about you. You are my Claudine. You always were since the day you came to Eversleigh ... with your French clothes and your French manners and your amusing way with our language. I loved you even then. And now you are a respectable English matron, I love you even more. It grows every day and you cannot expect me to stand aside and say, ‘It is over. She is now the wife of my brother. Adieu, sweet Claudine, you are not for me.’ You are for me, Claudine. You are ... and nobody is going to stop us.”

“It takes two to come to such a decision.”

“And when two are of the same mind it is inevitable.”

“If they were, I suppose it would be. But in this case they most decidedly are not. I think you are despicable to make these suggestions to your brother’s wife. How dare you talk about making love ... if you call that diatribe love.”

“It is not making love. It is the prelude to making love. If we can’t make love within the sanctity of the church, we will do so outside it.”

“What if I were to tell my mother what you have said to me tonight?”

“She would tell my father.”

“He would be furious with you.”

“On the other hand he would merely laugh. He would say, ‘Let them work it out among themselves.’ My father is very wise and experienced in these matters.”

“And David ... what if I were to tell him?”

“Ah, David, what would he say? There is bound to be a precedent for such an occurrence among the Greeks, the Romans, or the ancient Egyptians. He would consult his oracles and they would tell him what should be done.”

“Jonathan, you must forget all this. Marry. Settle down. You are more often in London than here.”

“I shall be where you are.”

“You did not think that when you light-heartedly joined the expedition to France, and just left without telling us.”

He drew me to him and held me against him. “I had to go, Claudine. It was very necessary that I go. And I had to go secretly.”

“Without telling your father even! You just walked out.”

“My father knew.”

“But he was surprised.”

“Things are not always what they seem,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, and I thought: It is the secret matters in which they are involved ... Jonathan with his father.

They combine spying for their country with their business affairs. Jonathan is with his father in this. I am gkd David is outside it.

“Tomorrow I leave for London,” he said.

“So you are going with your father and my mother?”

He nodded.

“Secret business?” I asked.

He did not answer. “I shall be back soon,” he said, “and then ...”

“Nothing will have changed here.”

“It doesn’t need to. It will be as it is now.”

“Then ...”

“You want me as I want you, and I shall see that something is done about it.”

For a few seconds he held me pressed against him; he kissed me fervently on my lips and throat. I allowed myself to stay with him ... just for those few seconds. I knew he was right. I had never been aware of this ecstatic emotion with David.

Then I wrenched myself away and hurried into the house. He did not follow me, but I heard his low, triumphant laughter behind me.

As soon as it was light next morning, Dickon, my mother and Jonathan left for London.