Voices in a Haunted Room

“Jonathan is the same.”

“I have heard that he put in an appearance slightly ahead of you.”

“Jonathan would always be first even at such a time. We had one tutor who was always urging me to assert myself. ‘Go in,’ he used to say. ‘Don’t stand on the edge looking in. Don’t wait for your brother always. Go in ahead of him.’ It was sound advice.”

“Which you did not always take.”

“Hardly ever.”

“It must be a little disconcerting sometimes to have a twin.”

“Yes, there are the inevitable comparisons.”

“But there is supposed to be a special bond.”

“Jonathan and I have long ago released ourselves from that if it ever existed. He is indifferent towards me. Sometimes I think he despises my way of life. And I am not exactly overcome with admiration for his.”

“You are quite different,” I said. “The fairies at the christening dealt out the human qualities-this one for Jonathan, that one for David ... so that what each possesses, the other doesn’t....”

“The qualities,” he said, “and the frailties. There is something I am leading up to.”

“I gathered that.”

“I should like to marry you, Claudine.”

“What!” I cried.

“Are you surprised?”

“Not really ... only that you bring it up at this time. I thought after my birthday.”

He smiled. “You seem to think there is some magic about the actual day.”

“That’s foolish, isn’t it?”

“Both your mother and my father would be pleased. It would be ideal. We have so much to interest us both. I wouldn’t have asked you if I hadn’t thought you liked me.

I believe you enjoy our talks and everything ...”

“Yes,” I said, “I do. And I’m very fond of you, David, but...”

“Have you never thought of marrying?”

“Oh yes, of course.”

“And ... with someone?”

“One can’t very well think about marriage without including a bridegroom.”

”And did you ever consider me?”

“Yes ... I did. My mother talked to me about it. Parents always want to see their offspring married, don’t they? But my mother wants it to be right for me ... she wouldn’t wish it otherwise.”

He came to me then and took my hands in his. I was reminded how different he was from Jonathan, but I knew that he would be kind always, and understanding and interesting; oh yes, it would be a wonderful life with him.

There was something missing though, and after my encounters with Jonathan, I knew what. I did not feel that overwhelming excitement when David took my hands, and I kept thinking of Jonathan in the sewing room slipping my shift from my shoulders; and I knew in that moment that I wanted them both. I wanted the gentleness, the reliability, the sense of security, the absorbing subjects I could share ... all that came from David; and on the other hand, I wanted the excitement of that sensual allure which Jonathan brought me.

I wanted them both. What a quandary, for how could one have two husbands?

I looked at David. How pleasant he was. There was an earnestness about him-an innocence in a way. I believed I could enjoy a life spent at Eversleigh, discussing with him the affairs of the estate, looking after tenants on the Eversleigh land, delving into matters which absorbed us both.

If I said Yes, my mother would be pleased. Dickon would be too, although he would be indifferent as to whether I chose David or Jonathan. But Jonathan had not asked me. Yet I knew that he wanted me.... He lusted after me, as they put it in the Bible.

And because of who I was he would have to marry me to get me into his bed.

I came very near to saying Yes to David, but something held me back. It was the memory of Jonathan, and the stirring of hitherto unknown emotions which he had aroused in me.

“I’m so fond of you, David,” I said. “You have always been my very good friend. But just now, I feel I want to wait.”

He understood at once.

“Of course, you want to wait. But think about it. Remember everything we could do.

There is so much in the world to absorb us.” He waved his arms, indicating the shelves of books. “We have so much to share, and I love you very dearly, Claudine. I have from the moment you came here.”

I kissed his cheek and he held me against him. I felt pleasantly securely, and happy; but I could not shut out the memory of Jonathan; and when I looked in David’s clear blue eyes I thought of the startling blue flame in those of Jonathan.

I couldn’t sleep that night. Perhaps that was understandable. I had had a proposal of marriage which I had almost accepted; I had also had the experience in the sewing room and I did not know which had affected me more deeply.

One thing I had done before getting into bed was to lock my door. Coming to the sewing room as he had, Jonathan had shown me clearly that he was capable of rash actions, and my response had taught me that I had to beware of my own feelings.

I spent the morning as I always did with my governess, and in the early afternoon I went for a ride. I had not gone very far when I was overtaken by Jonathan.

“Hello,” he said. “What a surprise!”

Of course I knew that he had watched me leave and had then come after me.