Under the Lights

I squeeze my eyes tight, as if it’ll help me emit the necessary “go away” vibes, but my heart’s not in it. I don’t want to be alone. And what’s more, Bri’s company feels like exactly what I need right now.

“I saw you blow up at Liam,” she adds, her voice soft, like she’s afraid to wake a sleeping beast.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She sighs. “Fine. So we won’t talk about it.” I hear a shuffling of sand, and I’m afraid she’s turned around to go, but then I feel the warmth of her presence at my side. “We’ll just stand here. Or sit here. Can I sit?”

I chew on my lip as I contemplate my response, and finally, I give up and shrug.

She drops onto the sand next to me. “So why are you out here if all your friends are up there?”

“I wanted to be alone.”

“You hate to be alone.”

For the first time, I turn to her full-on, meeting her seaglass-green gaze. “How do you know that?”

She shrugs, but I think I might see a hint of a blush in the moonlight. “How don’t I? You’ve told me you hate shopping by yourself, and driving by yourself. And even on set, you’re usually hanging out with Carly or Jamal. Other people separate themselves to get into the zone or whatever, but you never do. Even the exercise you do is always something with other people around.”

“God, are you always that observant? Or just when it comes to me?”

I’m embarrassed by the words as soon as they come out of my mouth — they don’t sound quite how I mean them — but I’m also really curious about the answer.

“I don’t know,” she mumbles, looking out at the ocean, the bangles on her wrist jangling as she draws a spiral pattern in the sand. “I’m perceptive, I guess.”

“Apparently.” I watch her trailing fingers, the way the sand flows around her black-painted nails. It’s the first time I notice yet another tattoo — a tiny heart on her hand below the bridge between her thumb and index finger. “I didn’t know you were coming tonight. Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugs. “I wasn’t sure I was. Josh just mentioned it this morning, and you hadn’t said anything, so I didn’t know if I should or not.”

“You don’t need my permission to come to a party,” I say, making sure she can hear the teasing in my voice.

“Yeah, well, I came, so.”

I’m about to ask why, when I realize two things: 1) that’s sort of rude; and 2) there’s only one possible reason. She doesn’t care about anyone else here. She isn’t even trying to talk to anyone else — not Liam the Golden God, or Josh, who for whatever reason a million girls find irresistible. She’s here for me, even after last night, even after the…touching.

And I don’t know how to process why that makes my entire body fill with warmth, despite the breeze rolling in off the ocean.

“I’m glad you did,” I admit, and it feels like a weight lifting off my shoulders. Next to me, she visibly relaxes too. “I’m sorry if I’ve been…weird.”

Her fingers keep tracing, spirals giving way to other shapes — lightning bolts. Fish. Hearts. “You wanna talk about it?”

I do, but I don’t. I’m embarrassed to even mention the purity pledge, and for whatever reason, I don’t wanna talk about Zander with her, anyway. As for the rest…

“You can trust me, you know.” Her voice has the slightest tinge of annoyance. “I’m not my mother. I promised I would never spy on you again, and I meant it.”

“I know that.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“Of course we’re friends. I just…I don’t know.” I bite my lip and meet her gaze. “You ever feel like you just have no idea what you’re doing? Ever? Like, I constantly rely on people telling me what to do, what to wear, how to deliver a line, where to be, and I don’t have to think. And I know this makes me sound dumb, but I’ve always kinda liked that. I don’t really wanna think.”

“It doesn’t make you sound dumb.” She scoops up a pile of sand and lets it filter through her fingers. “Not any dumber than me doing whatever my mom tells me to do.”

“Yeah, but that’s only because she’s withholding your tuition right now. As soon as this year’s up, you’re gonna get some job or go off to college, doing…I don’t know what. Important college-people things.”

She laughs. “Except that she’s right that I have no idea what I wanna do with my life. I haven’t exactly taken to her career, and spending a few days on set didn’t really make me want to do anything other than hang out with you more. So I’m no closer than I was a couple months ago. I just keep hoping that she knows what she’s talking about and eventually I’ll stumble into something I love.”

“Is that the worst thing?” I ask. “Just…not having a real direction right now?”

“It’s not the worst thing, but it’s not the best thing either.” She digs up another pile of sand and lets it sprinkle onto my fingers, which are splayed out between us. “I mean, look at you. You’re eighteen and you’ve been working for…how long? Seven years? Eight? You know exactly what you’re doing, and you love it. You can take care of yourself. That’s so cool.”