The Triggerman Dance

He carried her upstairs and laid her on his bed. He opened the windows to let in the cool, wild air. In the bathroom he wet a washcloth, folded the cloth, took it out to Valerie and set ii across her forehead. Her face was shiny and pale in the dark and her breathing was fast. He thought about his phone.

"Nice," she whispered.

He brought her the ice water and sat on the bedside. He turned over the washcloth and put the cooler side against her head. He could see the shine of her eyes down against the pillow

"Think I drank a little too much. Today," she said. Her words seemed to wobble from her mouth and her punctuation was off. "Then drank a little more. Too."

"I think you did."

He ran the backs of his fingers down one clammy cheek. She began sobbing. He saw the shine of tears on her face and the pools of wet light on her eyes.

"I knew something was wrong with Dad. Sometimes I thought he didn't look. So good. Then a big burst of energy. Like tonight. Then tired or something. When he told us tonight it was like I knew and he was just . . . Confirming. Sometimes I try to picture the world. My world. And all I see is Dad standing there. He's it. He's the world. And I can't think about him gone now. I just can't see him in an urn. Fancy tomb or not. Quiet and cold. My heart's feeling weak and hard right now. Like it's gonna stop. Like when Pat and Mom. Funny feeling. Heart gets sideways in your chest and doesn't have any rhythm left. Throat tickles. Head gets light. Heart just beats anyway. Life keeps pounding away even though you're not interested. Is that a broken heart, John?"

"Yeah."

He took the ice water from her and set it on the nightstand. Then he climbed in beside her and she rolled toward him, putting her face into the crook of his shoulder. He felt her back shaking and the warm liquid of her tears soaking through his shirt.

"In the beginning there was us. Mom 'n' Dad 'n' Pat 'n' me. Then Pat shot. Mom all messed up. But somehow it was still a family. But if Dad goes then it's over. It's just two crazy women and no men left. Bunch of oranges and guys with orange neckties. Bunch of money. Bunch of people. Dad goes, I don't want to run this place. I wanna get on a cruise ship and not come back. I wanna get a penthouse and not come out. I wanna follow the seasons and shoot birds 'til I keel over. From shotgun recoil. I'll be the first girl to die from recoil. Ever."

"Stick around."

"Why?"

"Because you're bright and beautiful and the world needs you."

"You need me?"

"I'll always need you and I'll never forget you."

"Sounds like you're tryin' to. Already. You gonna go like Pat and Dad?"

"I'll be where you want me to be."

"You're a good liar, huh?"

"I don't think so."

He looked at her eyes bright in the darkness. Their knowingness, even in her drunken state, unnerved him.

"You got somethin' about you that's hard to not like. You got this face and this voice. You got this nice paint job. But I think underneath you don't have a you. Underneath it's all moving around, all these John molecules. Don't have a pattern. Don't have a plan. Don't have a place they came from or a place their wanna get back to. I think when Jillian died your compass broke down. The needle stuck. You didn't mind 'cause you needed to rest. Everybody needs a rest. After a loss. But you gotta be careful because if you float too long. If you just wander 'round being tall and cute and telling people what they want to hear, then you turn. You turn into a big bagga shit with a smile on it."

Cogent, he thought. "Drunk and heartbroken, you still get the gist of it, Valerie."

"What was she like?"

"Kind. Pretty. Alive."

"What did you like best about her?"

"Her happiness."

"Dream about her?"

"A lot."

Valerie was quiet for a long moment. John listened to hei fast breathing and to the wind outside antagonizing the overhang and window glass. He thought of standing on his uncle's roof with the bedsheet spread.

Valerie took his hand. Her fingers felt hot and damp.

"I had this dream," she said. "Then I had it again. Then I had it a bunch. These two men come to Liberty Ridge. One's dark and handsome. The other's light and handsome. The dark one, he takes Dad away and Dad doesn't ever come back. The light one, he makes love to me over and over again and I can't get enough it feels so. Good. Then the dark one comes back and they're standing there and they blend together into one guy. And Dad's gone and the light guy doesn't look the same anymore. I can tell he's gonna rape me. I try to kill him but he's too strong. After that I'm this dog that runs around here. I watch these guys run the place. They don't know I'm me, and pretty soon I don't either. Finally I just run away."

"Your dream is telling you to stick around, too."

Her breathing was a little faster now. John could smell the thin sour vapors of liquor coming up from her face. She pressed harder against him.