The pool of St Branok

I could not sleep. So I am writing in my diary.

April 16th: This is terrible. Everything I have dreamed of is gone like a soap bubble which the children blow with their clay pipes. I did not hear him come in last night though I sat for a long time at my window. I cannot believe I dozed. I was so upset. I kept going over that scene. I kept saying to myself, It is because he loves me so much. This morning he was very subdued. His eyes were shadowed.

He said to me: "I'm sorry, Wilhelmina."

I said: "It's all right. I understand. Let's get married ... no matter what we have to arrange afterwards."

"Let's do that," he said. "Oh God, Wilhelmina, if only we can get away from all this to a life of our own. We'll do anything. We'll make plans right away."

I was happy again. He understood. Everything would be perfect.

April 16th, afternoon: Two of the village children playing in the woods found the body. It was a girl aged about ten years—one of the children from the village. She had been sexually assaulted and strangled. I was very shocked of course. I didn't realize then that it was anything to do with us, until they came to the house asking questions.

Mervyn knocked on the door of my room. He said, "I want to get away. I can't stay."

I was astonished. "Why not?" I said.

"It is necessary," he said. "I can't stay." His eyes were wild. He had that mad look again.

Gwennie was at the door. She said: "They want you to go down to the drawing room, Mr. Duncarry."

April 16th, evening: I cannot believe it. They have taken him away. Someone saw him coming from the woods last night and they have found a bloodstained jacket in his room. So ... they have taken him away.

April 20th: I have not been able to write since. There is a black pall over everything. They are holding him on suspicion. Mrs. Bonner goes round bleating about the dangers. They had had him in their house! We might all have been murdered in our beds ... and when she thought of her daughter she was so overcome with fear and relief that they had him under lock and key.

I was bitter. I have tried not to believe it. But I do. I know it is true. I have dreamed a wild, impossible dream. Life could never be as good to me as I had for a brief while thought it might. When had I ever had good luck? I was bitter and angry with life. I had lost my lover. Suppose I had given way ... he would never have come upon that child ... he would never have felt that overwhelming lust which made him forget everything but that he must satisfy it. But there would have been other times perhaps ... How could Mervyn do that? But what did we know of people ... ordinary people who can suddenly turn into monsters of depravity driven by some incomprehensible sexual urge?

April 30th: I love him and I have discovered that whatever he has done, I love him. I will take care of him in future ... if he comes out of this. But how can he come out of it? They will find him guilty. They will hang him. I shall have lost my lover forever. I believe I can help him. I believe I can save him. I could reason with him. I could make him explain to me. What I want more than anything is a chance to do this, to bring him back to a normal life, to do the things we planned to do before this happened. How could such a man as Mervyn ... so amusing, so charming ... behave like that? How could he suddenly change? It must have been a brain storm ... a momentary attack ... like an illness. And I had refused him ... and because of that . . Oh, I could cure him, I know I could.

May 1st: The papers are full of it. They all write of him with hatred. I cannot stay here. I told Mrs. Bonner that I was too shocked. I had regarded him as a friend. For once she understood. I said I had to get away. I gave her my notice. I would leave in a month. She would find someone else. It had been a terrible blow. She would never have another tutor. She would have a governess for both of the children. If I cared to take that on ... I said, "No, I must get away." I do not know what I shall do.

May 13th: He is going on trial for murder. It is a foregone conclusion. They have already proved his guilt. The papers have raked over his past and found that he was involved in another inquiry concerning the death of a girl in similar circumstances. Nothing was proved against him and he had gone free. If he had not, suggested the paper, would little Carrie Carson be alive today? He will die and that is more than I can bear. They are going to allow me to see him.

May 20th: I have been to Bodmin Jail. It was not easy to talk to him. There were people watching all the time. He talked in a low voice.

He said: "Help me. I'll get away before the trial ... We'll be together ever after ... We'll get out of the country. Bring me something ... a knife ... bring me a knife ... I'll fight my way out. We'll go away. Think about it. I love you, Wilhelmina, I'll always love you."

I said: "I'll always love you, Mervyn."