The Mousetrap

LADYANGKATELL. (Dumbfounded) Married? You and Edward? But, Midge, I never dre . . . (She recovers herself, moves to MIDGE, kisses her, then holds out her hand to EDWARD.) Oh, darling, I’m so happy. (She shakes EDWARD’s hand and her face lights up.) I am so delighted. You’ll stay on here and give up that horrid shop. You can be married from here—Henry can give you away.

MIDGE. Darling Lucy, I’d love to be married from here.

LADYANGKATELL. (Sitting on the sofa at the Right end of it.) Off-white satin, and an ivory prayer book—no bouquet. Bridesmaids?

MIDGE. Oh no, I don’t want any fuss.

EDWARD. Just a very quiet wedding, Lucy.

LADYANGKATELL. Yes, I know exactly what you mean, darling. Unless one carefully chooses them, bridesmaids never match properly—there’s nearly always one plain one who ruins the whole effect—usually the bridegroom’s sister. And children—children are the worst of all. They step on the train, they howl for Nannie. I never feel a bride can go up the aisle in a proper frame of mind while she’s so uncertain what’s happening behind her.

MIDGE. I don’t need to have anything behind me, not even a train. I can be married in a coat and skirt.

LADYANGKATELL. (Rising and crossing Left Centre) Oh no, Midge—that’s too much like a widow. Off-white satin, and I shall take you to Mireille.

MIDGE. I can’t possibly afford Mireille.

LADYANGKATELL. Darling, Henry and I will give you your trousseau.

MIDGE. (Crossing toLADYANGKATELLand kissing her) Darling. (She turns, crosses toEDWARDand holds his hands.)

LADYANGKATELL. Dear Midge, dear Edward! I do hope that band on Henry’s trousers won’t be too tight. I’d like him to enjoy himself. As for me, I shall wear . . . (She closes her eyes.)

MIDGE. Yes, Lucy?

LADYANGKATELL. Hydrangea blue—and silver fox. That’s settled. What a pity John Cristow’s dead. Really quite unnecessary after all. But what an exciting weekend. (She moves to Left of MIDGE and EDWARD.) First a murder, then a marriage, then this, then that.

(The INSPECTOR and the SERGEANT enter Left.)

(She turns.) Come in—come in. These young people have just got engaged to be married.

INSPECTOR. (Easing Left Centre.) Indeed. My congratulations.

EDWARD. Thank you very much.

LADYANGKATELL. (Crossing to the door Left) I suppose I ought to get ready for the inquest. I am so looking forward to it. I’ve never been to an inquest before.

(She exits Left. The SERGEANT closes the door. EDWARD and MIDGE cross and exit Right.)

SERGEANT. (Crossing to Right) You may say what you like, she’s a queer one. (He nods towards the window Right.) And what about those two? So it was her he was keen on, and not the other one.

INSPECTOR. So it seems now.

SERGEANT. Well, that about washes him out. Who have we got left?

INSPECTOR. We’ve only got Gudgeon’s word for it that the gun in Lady Angkatell’s basket is what he says it was. It’s still wide open. You know, we’ve forgotten one thing, Penny—the holster.

SERGEANT. Holster?

INSPECTOR. Sir Henry told us that the gun was originally in a brown leather holster. Where’s the holster?

(SIR HENRY enters Left.)

SIRHENRY. I suppose we ought to be starting—(He crosses to the windows Right.) but everyone seems to have disappeared for some extraordinary reason. (He looks out of the window and calls.) Edward. Midge.

(LADY ANGKATELL enters Left. She wears her hat and coat. She carries a prayer book and one white glove and one grey glove.)

LADYANGKATELL. (Moving Left Centre) How do I look? Is this the sort of thing one wears?

SIRHENRY. (Turning and moving to Right of the sofa) You don’t need a prayer book, my dear.

LADYANGKATELL. But I thought one swore things.

INSPECTOR. Evidence isn’t usually taken on oath in a Coroner’s court, Lady Angkatell. In any case, the proceedings will be purely formal today. (He crosses to the door Left.)

(The SERGEANT crosses to the door Left.)