The Devil's Dictionary

All frosted there in the shine o’ the moon —

Dead for a Scarabee

And a recollection that came too late.

O Fate!

They buried him where he lay,

He sleeps awaiting the Day,

In state,

And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,

Gloom over the grave and then move on.

Dead for a Scarabee!

Fernando Tapple

SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.

SCEPTER, n. A king’s staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.

SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.

When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to

decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after

the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his

Majesty’s surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man

who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!

“Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!” shouted the enraged

monarch. “Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and

have your head struck off by the public executioner at three

o’clock? And is it not now 3:10?”

“Son of a thousand illustrious deities,” answered the

condemned minister, “all that you say is so true that the truth is

a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty’s sunny and

vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I

ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The

executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously

whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck,

strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a

favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable

and treasonous head.”

“To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled

caitiff belong?” asked the Mikado.

“To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh — I

know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi.”

“Let him be brought before me,” said the Mikado to an

attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the

Presence.

“Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!”

roared the sovereign — “why didst thou but lightly tap the neck

that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?”

“Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms,” replied the executioner,

unmoved, “command him to blow his nose with his fingers.”

Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted

like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung

violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered

peacefully to the close, without incident.

All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as

white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled

and his breath came in gasps of terror.

“Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!” he cried; “I am a

ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly

because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it

through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office.”

So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and

advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado’s feet.

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:

Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast

You keep a record true

Of every kind of peppered roast

That’s made of you;

Wherein you paste the printed gibes

That revel round your name,

Thinking the laughter of the scribes

Attests your fame;

Where all the pictures you arrange

That comic pencils trace —

Your funny figure and your strange

Semitic face —

Pray lend it me. Wit I have not,

Nor art, but there I’ll list

The daily drubbings you’d have got

Had God a fist.

SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one’s own.

SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.